It’s nice to do nothing

I haven’t written much this month, because Bf has had the best roster ever. Only three flights! I say best. Clearly, he’ll earn less, and he wants to be flying more, but it’s not too worrying, since this time of year is always quiet for UK operators, following the summer season, but being prior to the Ski season and Winter Sun season pick’s up… Everyone is recovering from the summer holidays, Halloween and is getting ready for the build up to Christmas… November is always a bit of a lull.

Baby has now started pre-school… I guess I’ll have to stop referring to her as Baby, and start calling her stroppy 2 year old or something soon! HAHA! This morning she made me laugh… She plonked herself into Bf’s reclining arm chair in the living room, and announced “Ahh, it’s nice to sit and do nothing!” …Because clearly, the life of a 2 year old is so stressful at other times, right?

I am loving being a mummy so much at the moment. It’s so rewarding. The little gems that my daughter comes out with on an almost daily basis keep me laughing… I wish I could bottle them up and save them to play back whenever I felt the need to smile. My sons are also changing so much. My youngest is at Beaver Scouts and is so excited about all the badges he has earned, and his academic progress has just suddenly come on leaps and bounds, and my eldest is in his final year of primary school, and going to start senior school next September; which I am still struggling to come to terms with!

We are hoping to get me on a very exciting trip of Bf’s in January too… Please please please PLEEASE let me get on it! I’ll keep you updated if I do. It’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go, since I was a little kid (so nowhere particularly cultural, lol!)

Scooping off the fat

Things are looking up in my life! I have been absent from the world of Blogging because I have been focussing on the things that matter to me. Notably my partner, children and extended family and friends in the real world. I found myself increasingly sucked into the web 2 world of social media and it was starting to have a negative impact on my life, because of one or two people in particular that were bleeding me dry.  It was upsetting and consuming, and I only had myself to blame for allowing it to happen.

So I went on a diet, a lifestyle diet where I cut out the things in my life that weren’t productive for me, in particular I weeded out those influences in my life that seemed to be all take and no give.  I am a very generous person, but as I learned in my counselling, my boundaries are low and my tolerance threshold has historically been too high; which has resulted in some people taking me for granted and walking all over me.  I think if I hadn’t cut out some of the excess baggage in my life, I would have snapped!

But I wanted to share with you, the good things that have happened for me over the past few months as a result or restructuring my priorities, and I wanted to share with you a story that helped me to arrive at the conclusion that I needed to make some changes… It has been doing the rounds for some time, but I guess it holds more meaning for me now as it holds a very important message regarding appropriately setting priorities in our lives:

A professor of philosophy stood before his class with some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was full.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly and watched as the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The professor then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They chuckled and agreed that it was indeed full this time.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. The sand filled the remaining open areas of the jar. “Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognise that this jar signifies your life. The rocks are the truly important things, such as family, health and relationships. If all else was lost and only the rocks remained, your life would still be meaningful. The pebbles are the other things that matter in your life, such as work or school. The sand signifies the remaining “small stuff” and material possessions.

If you put sand into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks or the pebbles. The same can be applied to your lives. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are truly important.

Pay attention to the things in life that are critical to your happiness and well-being. Take time to get medical check-ups, play with your children, go for a run, write your grandmother a letter. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, or fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first – things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand.

It made me realise that recently, I have allowed my Jar, my life, to become more and more full of pebbles and sand, and so in a bid to regain the balance, I emptied my jar somewhat to regain my perspective and restore the balance.  I now have a nice clean jar full of rocks again, and only now am I starting to allow the pebbles and sand back in between the gaps where they belong.  

Since I have done this my life feels more wortwhile, and I am not only happier, but also get to sleep easier and don’t feel as burdoned with the weight of things that have no place in my life.

• I have been under the care of a specialist consultant, which I did privately and my health scare is over… I am now in the clear
• Bf has finished his step-parenting counselling, and things seem to be vastly improved… We’re not there yet, but we can see the light together.
• I have devoted time to the house and we have finally almost finished our long running building work to our house. We hope to move into our new bedroom this weekend and everything else (bar the plumbing for our utility room) is just cosmetic.
• I have confronted someone who was masquerading as a friend in my life, but who turned out to be a back-stabbing, two-faced witch, and purged all trace of her from my life. I was worried about the confrontation initially, but once I found the courage to do what I knew I had to, I felt like a black cloud was lifted from over me.
• In the process, I was lucky enough to discover just how supportive and wonderful all my other friends are and I feel truly blessed to have them in my life. Quality, not quantity is my mantra of late! Or as one of my good friends said to me recently:

“The fat always rises to the top… Now we just need to scoop it off and throw it in the garbage disposal RrrrRrrrRrrr LOL. Keep on scoopin’ off that fat… Get rid of it!!!! Good riddance!”

So that’s what I am doing, in keeping with my new regime!
• One of my very best friends (Godmother to 2 of my children) had a baby girl, and she is adorable. I was even able to visit for cuddles twice already (they live a 3 hour drive from me these days).
• We went away for an AMAZING holiday. Best ever.
• I have booked our tickets to go to my brother’s wedding next year (he is marrying abroad).
• I went to a massive family reunion last week… It was lovely, because I have 9 cousins on that side of the family and we were all there with our children, many of whom I have never met.
• We have new neighbours and they have a son the same age as my younger son.  This may sound insignificant, but they no longer have a drum set and my son is no longer wandering around with a face like a wet weekend every time his older brother goes out to play.

So  there you go, things are looking up for me. I have been focussed on enjoying life, making time for the important things and not just being sucked into a virtual world and being positive and productive; and it has worked. My life is great right now, and I know it’s going to go from strength to strength.

I’m Back

I decided to take a break from the world of blogging and social media in general. But I am back again. Thank you to those of you who emailed me to ask how I was. Bear with me and I will catch up with other people’s blogs and emails! I’ll try to post later tonight

Laughter is good for the soul :)

I wanted to post this for my friends who are going through some difficult or testing times at the moment…  It’s not remotely aviation related, just made me chuckle and gave me a warm feeling inside-which is something nice I wanted to share with you too

I love the way that he even leans his weight over the skateboard to make it turn!

I don’t need your attitude thanks-I have one of my own!

Excuse the following rant. We’ll blame it on my scary hormones.  I am really hacked off with pissy people.  I had a pissy comment from a reader who was on her high horse because she thought I had not deleted a comment of hers that she requested I remove ‘a few weeks ago’ (FYI I had in fact already removed it from public view).  First of all, I didn’t write the damn comment, and secondly, I have been absent recently for several weeks from the blogosphere because I have been quite ill, in fact on Thursday night I thought I was going to pass out from the pain.  I was alone with Baby or I would have asked Bf to take me to A&E!   I’ve been deliberately keeping busy and trying to be upbeat by distracting myself from ruminating or focusing on negative thoughts…

Then today, I read a post on another blog which really hacked me off. I will not point fingers at the offending post, because that would probably make me as negative, bitter and aggressive as the author of that post seems to be of late; but suffice to say it has my blood boiling!

This person has written several eyebrow raising, judgemental posts, that have left me with bite marks in my tongue from the things I held back from saying as  I reasoned that she was having a rough time… The thing is, we all have our own difficulties to deal with in life, but as time wears on there is only so far that my empathy extends when someone moves on from (understandable) self pity and sadness to blatantly wallowing in bitterness and being spiteful towards others for daring to have the very same thing they want – or just for being more positive about achieving it.

It’s a shame, as I really think that this person is capable of being inspiring and would do far better to channel their energy into something worthwhile, rather than leaving malignant comments that erode the happiness and dreams of others thin… Nobody is perfect, but it would be far more productive and fruitful to focus on the things that are good in their life, rather than only focusing (so seemingly aggressively) at projecting their frustrations into villifying others for getting on with their lives as best they can.

I am not responsible for your misery, so please don’t attempt to take me down with you. Hating others won’t make you any happier.

Aviation videos

I found this on a website for partners of pilots and thought I’d share it as it made me laugh. It definitely reminded me of my guy… Flying the real thing just isn’t enough, he’s always flying those damn simulators and as you know, the radio controlled models.

I also found this one which did make me chuckle, but is a touch random

This one is rather sweet, “Leaving on a Jet Plane” sung by Chantal Kreviazuk, there is another version by Dohn Denwer, but although I’d prefer to hear it sung by a man, I prefer this version!

Cabin Manager Rap

Quick update

I could cry with relief. I have just had an appointment with my doctor, I am covered by the airline’s medical insurance and I now have a referral to see a private specialist.  My GP agreed that the consultant I saw sounds like he was not giving me the best service and agreed that his interpretation sounded as though it was based more on speculation over my medical history rather than factual evidence from the present.  I am holding out hope that I may be told that I wont need surgery after all.  I guess I should not get my hopes up too high, since I was referred because of genuine symptoms; but I am so pleased that I am going to get the treatment I deserve and not be messed around on waiting lists unecessarily.  I just have to hope now that the specialist doesn’t have a 2 week holiday booked or something!

My night out on Friday was a lot of fun. I met some really interesting people and cant wait to go out with my cousin and her friends again!  Hopefully my luck has taken a turn for the better.

Bf has been very much more supportive and caring recently too.  He has bought yeat another bloody radio controlled model, and joined yet another rc flying club, but he has agreed to stop giving up so much of our weekend time to this obsession (I no longer class it as a hobby).  This weekend he did insist on going to a model airshow (yes, seriously) but the weather was so gorgeous that I went along with him, as did his other pilot friend’s wife, and she and I had a lovely day sun bathing whilst the boys shopped around all of the trade stalls.

The only thing I am less happy with in my life right now is a new manager that I am dealing with, who seems to think that we are in primary school and that I am her 6 year old pupil.  I am just contemplating how to deal with the situation professionally and calmly, because I do not want to lose my rag and say something out of frustration!

Airline Medical Perks

HAHA! I’m soo excited! My new fun cousin has just invited me to go on another girlie night out this weekend to a few very up market bars and clubs that she is the events manager for. I can’t wait!

On a bum note,  I rang the secretary at the hospital this morning to find that my appointment doesn’t appear to be pending! I hit the effing roof! She passed the buck onto appointments, who denied all knowledge and suggested I give them a call back later so that they could look into the matter… Long story short, they’ve just penciled me in for an appointment on July 18th-THREE WEEKS TIME!!!! I’ve been waiting two already, are they KIDDING?

First thing tomorrow (after my manicure) I am going to ring the private health people and get the wheels in motion Bf checked the airline health policy wording and it looks like I should be covered for pre-existing conditions! PHEW. I am sick of this NHS crap, and I thin it’s time I cashed in on one of the airline job perks, medical insurance. Just hope and pray that there isn’t some hidden exclusion that prohibits me ffrom receiving my treatment privately!

Any way, off to bed for me now. I need my beauty sleep or I’m going to be pooped tomorrow.

ANOTHER Flying hobby, you have GOT to be kidding me!?

What a few weeks. I feel like I’m reeling. Still no diagnosis. I’ve complained to the consultant’s secretary, and will now have an appointment with the head consultant to get my second opinion, but I still haven’t had my appointment through!  I have never really listened to people when they whine and bitch about the NHS… I’ve always thought it was just hot air by people who don’t know any better, but I cannot believe I’ve just been left dangling with my abnormal scan result and no urgent follow up!

Tomorrow I will get back on the phone to the secretary and chase it up, and if they are vague I am going to attach the private health route… I’m sick of being sidelined!

Now that I’ve got that off my chest… I have partied more recently than ever (except perhaps my first year at university).   A combination of the need to get out of my head and a co-incidence that I’ve had several invites to various events.  I have been out for girly nights in the city more times in the past month than I have collectively probably in the last 10 years! I also went to a very fun garden party, hosted by one of a family member. I was able to catch up with lots of my family and even met cousins I didn’t know I had, one of whom was very very fun!

I learned that my great grandfather was a handsome and wealthy fellow who had somewhere between 13 and 22 children (depending on who tells the story). Some with his wife and some with the maid following his wife’s early death… I am uncertain as to whether I am a descendant of the maid or the wife; my first cousins say we are the wife, my second cousin swears we are the maid (and she is the wife!) HAHA! I don’t really care which one I descend from to be honest-they were both played as far as I’m concerned!   I certainly intend to stay in contact with my new cousin, she seems like a lot of fun!

I could have murdered Bf earlier today. He has been so sucked into his radio controlled helicopter and aeroplane model hobby. Anyone who reads my blog often will know this has been a source of some frustration to me for a while now, for a number of reasons mainly time and partially the cost!  Today, he received an email from one of his good pilot friends from his training days. This friend has recently transferred to our base from another one about 90 minutes flying time away (GUTTED-HAHA).

This guy is Bf’s main drinking partner. They never drink to be social, in fact if and when they get drunk it rarely is.  So… Back to the email. This friend emailed Bf today to ask if he’d like to go halves on a microlight. Bf casually mentioned this to me with a slight grin on his face, and my knee-jerk reaction was to hit the roof.  Instead, I remained calm and said nothing whilst I composed myself and my words to follow.  I first asked how much the microlight would cost, he replied probably a few thousand pounds.  Then I pointed out that it wouldn’t end there, because he’d need membership to a microlight club, insurance, probably a trailer and of course the bigger issue time.

I pointed out that as it is, his hobbies suck dry his spare time, and said that I didn’t think it would be fair to add yet another major time-sucking hobby into the equation. I suggested that if he wanted to take up this new hobby, that he relinquished his radio-controlled models. He chuckled… I think he had predicted my reaction, and I also think he knew that he was playing with fire to even suggest it!

He is working a mid-haul flight today, and wont be home until 3am.  I miss him though. He has made a much bigger effort to be supportive and considerate this week.  We had our will appointment yesterday. We still didn’t get our will made, but not because of any disagreements on the contents… I had absolutely no idea just how complicated these documents were to make. Not only do we need to get our property transferred to ‘tenancy in common’ status rather than joint owned (as this means that we can each guarantee that our share of the property is treated how we wish in death rather than passing straight to the other without any conditions as to provisions for where it goes thereafter).

But apparently the situation is more complicated because we are not married and because I have children from a previous relationship we need to have ‘trust’ provisions made that make it obligatory for my sons to inherit. It’s actually mind boggling, and predictably more expensive than standard wills! It sounds so cold and calculated, but the health scare has made me realise that we need to be pragmatic and make a will…  It’s not that we don’t trust one other, but we have both agreed that it would remove a great deal of stress from our situation if everything to do with our wishes and the children is spelled out in black and white, and not left open to interpretation by anyone.

Stress management.

I haven’t been able to think about blogging for a while. My life feels like it’s been turned upside down and inside out.  I had a scan which came back abnormal; but I discussed my concerns with the staff who conducted my scan, and they agreed it was a poor show: so I’ve requested a second opinion, and have been referred by the snotty, disgruntled secretary I complained to, to the head consultant, who I’ve seen before and I’m happy with.

Thankfully my life assurance policy for the boys has been agreed and Bf has managed to get me onto his medical policy now, although we’re not sure whether I will be able to claim on it for this as it will now be a pre-existing condition. That said, we have a paper trail showing that I was supposed to be added 6 months ago-so we’re still going to try.

My next task is to get my will sorted out.  I had booked an appointment for it, but Bf and I were in disagreement about, would you believe it, access for our daughter to the boys via my mum.  Whilst he said he would not stand in the way of access, he is reluctant to agree specific times ie a committed monthly visitation for a weekend with my mum, which is what I suggested.  I did not think this was in the slightest bit over-demanding. He reasoned that his parents don’t see her nearly as much as this, and I responded that it was not simply about grandparent access, but about Baby having regular access to her brothers and maternal family if I were dead.  I ended up having to re-schedule the appointment because we couldn’t come to an agreement, but to be honest… I shall put my wishes in my will regarding this matter regardless of whether he comes around to the idea of a fixed commitment or not, because it’s important to me.

On the flip side of the coin, my ex has suddenly calmed down a lot! This new fiancee of his seems to be a great influence on him, yes I said fiancee by the way… My ex is getting married next summer. I am genuinely pleased as it means that his focus has totally shifted away from me, and onto being a responsible parent. He’s announced that he’s having a baby girl, which I think the boys are genuinely pleased about, as it’s less of a perceived replacement concern than if there was another brother on the way.  He has even agreed to have the boys slightly more often to give me a break and allow them the chance to bond with his fiancee more before the baby arrives! I feel like I’ve woken up in an alternate reality where the men have swapped mind-sets?!

Bf is swinging between being the loveliest man I have ever been blessed to know and then a complete jerk. His relationship with the boys has become increasingly strained (probably because he also feels stressed out), which only adds to my stress levels.  I am actually quite relieved that Bf is away on a long-haul trip (that I didn’t manage to get on) this week-as I may have otherwise been serving time for his brutal murder by now if he hadn’t (yes that was a joke).   It’s given us both a chance to breathe, gain perspective and even start missing one another again.

I have decided to stay on top of everything by keeping busy, and being very regimented with my time. I have set aside the mornings to tiring out my daughter, feeding her lunch at 12, giving her a nap at 12:30pm, working until I collect the boys from school and then preparing an evening meal and running the kids around to various activities before eating, doing a bit of research and decorating the extension that Bf cant seem to get motivated to do anything with, before flaking out at close to midnight and repeating the whole damn thing. It’s like Groundhog day.

Thankfully my friend has dragged me out once a week, every week for the past month for a night out in the city to break up the monotony and stress. We have danced, laughed and got tipsy, and I think it’s helped me to stay sane.

I am struggling to feel anything right now though, that’s why I haven’t blogged much, I don’t want to expose myself too much to all of my confused feelings, because the most stupid little things have been upsetting me and making me tearful. It’s as though I’m at my full stress capacity, and if someone so much as looks at me in a way I’m uncertain of I’ll get upset.  I’ve felt that the best thing to do is to keep my rhythm and routine and focus on the moment rather than thinking too deeply about everything that is going on around me. Rumination and introspection are definitely my enemies just recently.