Aviation videos

I found this on a website for partners of pilots and thought I’d share it as it made me laugh. It definitely reminded me of my guy… Flying the real thing just isn’t enough, he’s always flying those damn simulators and as you know, the radio controlled models.

I also found this one which did make me chuckle, but is a touch random

This one is rather sweet, “Leaving on a Jet Plane” sung by Chantal Kreviazuk, there is another version by Dohn Denwer, but although I’d prefer to hear it sung by a man, I prefer this version!

Cabin Manager Rap

Quick update

I could cry with relief. I have just had an appointment with my doctor, I am covered by the airline’s medical insurance and I now have a referral to see a private specialist.  My GP agreed that the consultant I saw sounds like he was not giving me the best service and agreed that his interpretation sounded as though it was based more on speculation over my medical history rather than factual evidence from the present.  I am holding out hope that I may be told that I wont need surgery after all.  I guess I should not get my hopes up too high, since I was referred because of genuine symptoms; but I am so pleased that I am going to get the treatment I deserve and not be messed around on waiting lists unecessarily.  I just have to hope now that the specialist doesn’t have a 2 week holiday booked or something!

My night out on Friday was a lot of fun. I met some really interesting people and cant wait to go out with my cousin and her friends again!  Hopefully my luck has taken a turn for the better.

Bf has been very much more supportive and caring recently too.  He has bought yeat another bloody radio controlled model, and joined yet another rc flying club, but he has agreed to stop giving up so much of our weekend time to this obsession (I no longer class it as a hobby).  This weekend he did insist on going to a model airshow (yes, seriously) but the weather was so gorgeous that I went along with him, as did his other pilot friend’s wife, and she and I had a lovely day sun bathing whilst the boys shopped around all of the trade stalls.

The only thing I am less happy with in my life right now is a new manager that I am dealing with, who seems to think that we are in primary school and that I am her 6 year old pupil.  I am just contemplating how to deal with the situation professionally and calmly, because I do not want to lose my rag and say something out of frustration!

Airline Medical Perks

HAHA! I’m soo excited! My new fun cousin has just invited me to go on another girlie night out this weekend to a few very up market bars and clubs that she is the events manager for. I can’t wait!

On a bum note,  I rang the secretary at the hospital this morning to find that my appointment doesn’t appear to be pending! I hit the effing roof! She passed the buck onto appointments, who denied all knowledge and suggested I give them a call back later so that they could look into the matter… Long story short, they’ve just penciled me in for an appointment on July 18th-THREE WEEKS TIME!!!! I’ve been waiting two already, are they KIDDING?

First thing tomorrow (after my manicure) I am going to ring the private health people and get the wheels in motion Bf checked the airline health policy wording and it looks like I should be covered for pre-existing conditions! PHEW. I am sick of this NHS crap, and I thin it’s time I cashed in on one of the airline job perks, medical insurance. Just hope and pray that there isn’t some hidden exclusion that prohibits me ffrom receiving my treatment privately!

Any way, off to bed for me now. I need my beauty sleep or I’m going to be pooped tomorrow.

ANOTHER Flying hobby, you have GOT to be kidding me!?

What a few weeks. I feel like I’m reeling. Still no diagnosis. I’ve complained to the consultant’s secretary, and will now have an appointment with the head consultant to get my second opinion, but I still haven’t had my appointment through!  I have never really listened to people when they whine and bitch about the NHS… I’ve always thought it was just hot air by people who don’t know any better, but I cannot believe I’ve just been left dangling with my abnormal scan result and no urgent follow up!

Tomorrow I will get back on the phone to the secretary and chase it up, and if they are vague I am going to attach the private health route… I’m sick of being sidelined!

Now that I’ve got that off my chest… I have partied more recently than ever (except perhaps my first year at university).   A combination of the need to get out of my head and a co-incidence that I’ve had several invites to various events.  I have been out for girly nights in the city more times in the past month than I have collectively probably in the last 10 years! I also went to a very fun garden party, hosted by one of a family member. I was able to catch up with lots of my family and even met cousins I didn’t know I had, one of whom was very very fun!

I learned that my great grandfather was a handsome and wealthy fellow who had somewhere between 13 and 22 children (depending on who tells the story). Some with his wife and some with the maid following his wife’s early death… I am uncertain as to whether I am a descendant of the maid or the wife; my first cousins say we are the wife, my second cousin swears we are the maid (and she is the wife!) HAHA! I don’t really care which one I descend from to be honest-they were both played as far as I’m concerned!   I certainly intend to stay in contact with my new cousin, she seems like a lot of fun!

I could have murdered Bf earlier today. He has been so sucked into his radio controlled helicopter and aeroplane model hobby. Anyone who reads my blog often will know this has been a source of some frustration to me for a while now, for a number of reasons mainly time and partially the cost!  Today, he received an email from one of his good pilot friends from his training days. This friend has recently transferred to our base from another one about 90 minutes flying time away (GUTTED-HAHA).

This guy is Bf’s main drinking partner. They never drink to be social, in fact if and when they get drunk it rarely is.  So… Back to the email. This friend emailed Bf today to ask if he’d like to go halves on a microlight. Bf casually mentioned this to me with a slight grin on his face, and my knee-jerk reaction was to hit the roof.  Instead, I remained calm and said nothing whilst I composed myself and my words to follow.  I first asked how much the microlight would cost, he replied probably a few thousand pounds.  Then I pointed out that it wouldn’t end there, because he’d need membership to a microlight club, insurance, probably a trailer and of course the bigger issue time.

I pointed out that as it is, his hobbies suck dry his spare time, and said that I didn’t think it would be fair to add yet another major time-sucking hobby into the equation. I suggested that if he wanted to take up this new hobby, that he relinquished his radio-controlled models. He chuckled… I think he had predicted my reaction, and I also think he knew that he was playing with fire to even suggest it!

He is working a mid-haul flight today, and wont be home until 3am.  I miss him though. He has made a much bigger effort to be supportive and considerate this week.  We had our will appointment yesterday. We still didn’t get our will made, but not because of any disagreements on the contents… I had absolutely no idea just how complicated these documents were to make. Not only do we need to get our property transferred to ‘tenancy in common’ status rather than joint owned (as this means that we can each guarantee that our share of the property is treated how we wish in death rather than passing straight to the other without any conditions as to provisions for where it goes thereafter).

But apparently the situation is more complicated because we are not married and because I have children from a previous relationship we need to have ‘trust’ provisions made that make it obligatory for my sons to inherit. It’s actually mind boggling, and predictably more expensive than standard wills! It sounds so cold and calculated, but the health scare has made me realise that we need to be pragmatic and make a will…  It’s not that we don’t trust one other, but we have both agreed that it would remove a great deal of stress from our situation if everything to do with our wishes and the children is spelled out in black and white, and not left open to interpretation by anyone.

Stress management.

I haven’t been able to think about blogging for a while. My life feels like it’s been turned upside down and inside out.  I had a scan which came back abnormal; but I discussed my concerns with the staff who conducted my scan, and they agreed it was a poor show: so I’ve requested a second opinion, and have been referred by the snotty, disgruntled secretary I complained to, to the head consultant, who I’ve seen before and I’m happy with.

Thankfully my life assurance policy for the boys has been agreed and Bf has managed to get me onto his medical policy now, although we’re not sure whether I will be able to claim on it for this as it will now be a pre-existing condition. That said, we have a paper trail showing that I was supposed to be added 6 months ago-so we’re still going to try.

My next task is to get my will sorted out.  I had booked an appointment for it, but Bf and I were in disagreement about, would you believe it, access for our daughter to the boys via my mum.  Whilst he said he would not stand in the way of access, he is reluctant to agree specific times ie a committed monthly visitation for a weekend with my mum, which is what I suggested.  I did not think this was in the slightest bit over-demanding. He reasoned that his parents don’t see her nearly as much as this, and I responded that it was not simply about grandparent access, but about Baby having regular access to her brothers and maternal family if I were dead.  I ended up having to re-schedule the appointment because we couldn’t come to an agreement, but to be honest… I shall put my wishes in my will regarding this matter regardless of whether he comes around to the idea of a fixed commitment or not, because it’s important to me.

On the flip side of the coin, my ex has suddenly calmed down a lot! This new fiancee of his seems to be a great influence on him, yes I said fiancee by the way… My ex is getting married next summer. I am genuinely pleased as it means that his focus has totally shifted away from me, and onto being a responsible parent. He’s announced that he’s having a baby girl, which I think the boys are genuinely pleased about, as it’s less of a perceived replacement concern than if there was another brother on the way.  He has even agreed to have the boys slightly more often to give me a break and allow them the chance to bond with his fiancee more before the baby arrives! I feel like I’ve woken up in an alternate reality where the men have swapped mind-sets?!

Bf is swinging between being the loveliest man I have ever been blessed to know and then a complete jerk. His relationship with the boys has become increasingly strained (probably because he also feels stressed out), which only adds to my stress levels.  I am actually quite relieved that Bf is away on a long-haul trip (that I didn’t manage to get on) this week-as I may have otherwise been serving time for his brutal murder by now if he hadn’t (yes that was a joke).   It’s given us both a chance to breathe, gain perspective and even start missing one another again.

I have decided to stay on top of everything by keeping busy, and being very regimented with my time. I have set aside the mornings to tiring out my daughter, feeding her lunch at 12, giving her a nap at 12:30pm, working until I collect the boys from school and then preparing an evening meal and running the kids around to various activities before eating, doing a bit of research and decorating the extension that Bf cant seem to get motivated to do anything with, before flaking out at close to midnight and repeating the whole damn thing. It’s like Groundhog day.

Thankfully my friend has dragged me out once a week, every week for the past month for a night out in the city to break up the monotony and stress. We have danced, laughed and got tipsy, and I think it’s helped me to stay sane.

I am struggling to feel anything right now though, that’s why I haven’t blogged much, I don’t want to expose myself too much to all of my confused feelings, because the most stupid little things have been upsetting me and making me tearful. It’s as though I’m at my full stress capacity, and if someone so much as looks at me in a way I’m uncertain of I’ll get upset.  I’ve felt that the best thing to do is to keep my rhythm and routine and focus on the moment rather than thinking too deeply about everything that is going on around me. Rumination and introspection are definitely my enemies just recently.

Deepest sympathy for the families friends and colleagues of those involved in the Air France AF447 crash

As a pilot’s significant other, I always feel a sense of loss when I hear news of an air crash.  I have to say that the news of the Air Franceflight AF 447 that went down yesterday hit me more profoundly than any other so far, purely because I heard about it by text message from a friend who also happens to be the wife of one of Bf’s colleagues.

I was out with my boys at the time, enjoying a rare day with just me and them, as Bf had taken Baby to the beach, and as promised I took them to the Science museum (yes, that seemed the wrong way around to me too).  But that’s what the boys wanted to do…

I got the text, and it read:

“OMG-Have you heard the news? An aircraft has come down over the Atlantic ocean. Shit! X”

Well, I’m not sure why my brain interpreted it the way it did (possibly because I have in the past received a similar text from someone who’s hubby was the pilot of a flight that encountered an incident within his airline) but I just somehow got it into my head that she had texted me this way because it was one of ‘ours’.  I frantically tried to call her, but my calls kept diverting.

I felt sick, wondering if any of the crew Bf or I knew were on board, wondering how many of Bf’s colleagues would be involved. Hoping that, by some fluke it had landed safely but unexpectedly in the Azores Islands.  The boys asked me what I was upset about, and I explained my concerns to them. 

It was only then, that someone, a foreign man who had overheard, approached me and informed me that it was in fact an Air France flight.  I asked what happened, and he looked at my children and quietly asked if he should say? I nodded, and he told me that it just ‘dissapeared’ in the middle of the Atlantic!  He personally feared an explosion of some kind, but I do not want to speculate. 

I was immediately flooded with mixed reactions, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, and a giant lump in my throat: relief that it wasn’t Bf’s airline after all, followed immediately by guilt for feeling relieved (because it meant that someone else would feel the upset instead), sadness and overwhelming shock… Then he told me that he was in fact cabin crew for a partner airline of Air France, and we stood together and shared a moment of mutual shock and sadness that I cant really capture in words. We didn’t say much. I don’t think either of us knew what to say to each other.

He was clearly shaken and wanted to talk to someone, apparently his family had been frantic until he rang them to tell them he was okay (he was himself on a layover in London from a trans-Atlantic flight).  He said he had to back across the Atlantic in a similar plane tomorrow (today) and that he was unsure how all this would affect him. I really didn’t know what to say. Words seemed so inept and lame, and, the kids were with me. I told him that I hoped everything would be okay for him, and that I would be thinking of him today, and here I am, keeping my word.

I have never before appreciated how it must feel to be the partner of a pilot who belongs to an airline that was unfortunate enough to bear such a tragic loss, and I didn’t want to write about it this way until some news of wreckage had been found, which it is my understanding-is now the case… 

My deepest and most sincere regrets go to the families of all those involved with this incident, but also to those who will suffer the sadness and loss within the airline itself.  I only now start to trully feel a sense, albeit fractionally, of how devastating and deeply shocking it must be.

Life’s ups and downs

As it happens, my birthday went rather better than expected. Bf’s night flight had been due to land in an alternative airport, but thankfully, when he arrived at the airport they announced that this would no longer be the case, and he would instead land back at our own local base.  He arrived home at 10am in time to give me my birthday card, and go to bed to sleep off his nights work.

He had put some money inside the card, which he insisted I spoil myself with. I told him it was really not sensible-considering that we have so much expense right now but he actually insisted, and told me not to feel guilty since I rarely spend money on myself.

So I took my little girl shopping for the day and bought some cropped jeans, a new bag and purse, some make up and a dress! Not designer clobber-I hasten to add, I’ve never been a slave to labels (okay, well maybe in my late teens).

In the evening he took me to dinner with some friends, and after all my pre-conceived ideas about how lonely and rubbish my day was going to be-it actually turned out to be a great day and night

Unfortunately though, my health has rained on this parade more than a little. It turns out that some of my old pelvic health issues appear to have returned. I’ve been in some pain recently and the consultant that I was referred to has decided that I need to have more surgery. I am not entirely sure how bad things are, because the consultant has told me that they will need to perform a surgical procedure under general anaesthetic in order to assess just how much treatment/surgery is necessary.

He said with a bit of luck, they’ll be able to burn off and/or cut out whatever needs to be removed via this same keyhole surgery simultaneously. However, since I have a lot of internal scar tissue already-they may not be able to see much, and if this is the case they’ll need to perform major abdominal surgery to get at, or remove whatever the problem areas are.  He said that since they do not like to wait or give too many surgical procedures and general anaesthetics-that if this is the case-they will just go ahead and perform the surgery whilst I am still under!

I feel a bit dumbstruck to be honest: since this means that not only do I have no real clear answer as to what exactly the diagnosis is, but I shall have to be go into a general anaesthetic not knowing if I will wake from a relatively minor surgical procedure, or one that will leave me with a recovery period similar to that of a c-section, and potentially unable to give Bf a second child. I do feel blessed to have children at all, and I’m not entirely convinced he’d even want any more, but it’s frightening to have that decision taken from me.)!

This whole thing feels so sudden, and has really scared the hell out of me if I’m honest. I am also angry with the consultant, because I feel like he left me with more fears and questions than reassurance or answers…  The nurse who was assisting him could tell I was distressed about his apparent inability to actually listen to and answer the questions I was asking, and she was trying to descreetly address some of these whilst she helped ready me for my examination.

I have tried to hurry through a life assurance policy: dedicated solely to my sons in the event that the worst should happen, or that the diagnosis is not good.  I had already started the ball rolling with this prior to my referral, but I am hoping that they have already requested my medical notes from my doctor prior to the hospital records being synched up with the doctors ones.

Bf hasn’t been as supportive as I would have liked-that’s not to say that he’s been unsupportive either: I still get the usual cuddles and comedy act …but regarding the whole medical situation, he seems a bit distant.  I think that until he gets something concrete and tangible to base his response on, he’ll be totally unable to really give me the exact emotional support I’m pining for. 

He doesn’t seem to understand why I cant switch of my fear and anxiety about the unknown.  I am really trying to just let go, but it’s so bloody hard!  I wish I were the type that could just turn off my fear like that-I guess it’s a pretty important skill for a pilot in crises, I’ll have to work more on my mindful meditation and hope that I can start to get more sleep.  Last night all I dreamed about (for my entire 3 hour sleep) was my stupid consultant appointment. 

I’m also really annoyed. I had private medical insurance, but cancelled it, because Bf told me he’d put me on his airline’s policy, but as it transpires, they changed provider (or something else admin orientated?!), and I wasn’t added. The application is still in progress, so I doubt I’ll be able to pursue alternative routes privately

(s)-crewing have stolen my bloody birthday-and I’ll cry if I want to!

Thanks a bloody heap crewing-you know who you are!

It’s my birthday coming up. Crewing know that Bf booked it off for a reason, because he’s had it booked off in a special block for aaaaaages.

They rang him and offered him over-time that we just couldn’t refuse financially. Believe me, I wanted to ask Bf to tell them to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, but we badly need the money right now for our building work!

So not only can Bf not afford to buy me a present, or take me out to celebrate, but now I won’t even be graced with his company all day. He’s due to land at 5:30pm, so I’m just hoping that his flight is without delays, or it will screw up my night too! GRRRRRRRRR! 

I know I should be sensible and grown up about this stuff, and I know that this shit happens when the love of your life is a pilot, AND I’m probably past an age where I shouldn’t give a shit about birthdays any way, but I am quietly and privately seething about it!  I feel it is my right to feel like a sour puss right now, even if I do it quietly.

I blame Headaches and PC World for my poor blogging!

Sorry I’ve been lame. I am a baaaaaaad blogger at the moment. The truth of the matter is that my laptop is broken and PC world where I bought it are being bloody terrible! Their after sales care is horrendous. Their internal communications is dire and basically nobody will get back to me about where it is or how long they will take to fix it. They were supposed to have it for a week or two, but have had it for 7 weeks now!!!  I found this great logo though, so I guess I’m not lone in feeling this way! LOL!

They have said I could have a new one because I quoted the ‘28 day rule’, but I don’t want a new one. I have software on that lap top that I cannot replace! Plus I cant even get that same laptop any more-and I like that one!

So I’m restricted to using Bf’s one, which is basically a brontosaurus that takes at least a minute to load a page that mine would take a few seconds to open. It also likes to crash at the drop of a hat.

I am reliant on using this laptop whenever Bf can spare it to me, and normally I have to prioritise that time for work use.  Add to this that I have had a splitting headache for the past 6 days now, and to be honest, I can’t be bothered to sit in front of a screen.

I went to the doctor about it on Friday, and he prescribed me Dihidrocodeine, because my migraine tablets were not helping and neither were anti-inflammatories. Any way, these tablets have pretty much knocked me out, they’re basically codeine with a muscle relaxant, since he things that my headaches are related to muscle spasm.  They’re sending me to sleep during the day, but don’t do much to help tackle the pain at night.  I didn’t even get of bed on Sunday because it was so bad!

I finally went back to the doctors today, because I was unable to face working, and he’s prescribed me something else for the night called Amitriptyline, which they apparently used to prescribe as an antidepressant years ago, but is now used more for pain relief of spasmodic pain. He suggested only taking them at night since they will knock me out a lot more than the others (great).

I just hope it does the job. I am fed up.  Before I first started getting headaches (during my second pregnancy) I had no patience for people that suffered with migraines. I used to thing that it was just a really lame excuse to take a few days off work without a genuine reason.  Since I have suffered with these crushing, debilitating headaches that feel like someone is trying to chisel my head open using the force of a pneumatic drill, I have gained a LOT of sympathy!

I have been scared about taking the pain killers tonight in case they knock me out and I fail to be responsive if the kids need me. Bf is flying, but thankfully he gets home at 3am tonight, so I have left it as late as I can. The kids are all in bed, I have taken the tablets, and I can feel the muzziness creeping over me. I’m going to have to go and lie down and give into it I think

Spreading my phoenix wings

I had my last counselling session today. I have drawn so much from the experience; which I didn’t expect if I am honest. As a conclusion to the course of sessions, she revisited my initial targets from the initial visit, and asked me to evaluate how far I felt I had come, which is further than I even imagined possible in such a relatively short space of time.

My target issues were:

• Trust
• To let go of my frustrations about this lifestyle
• To stop throwing Bf’s faults in his face,
• To learn how to support Bf,

also subsequently through the sessions I also realised that I needed to add:

• To let go of my desire to control Bf’s behaviour when he is away from,
• To set boundaries with people
• To manage my time more effectively
• To strive less

I explained that on the whole I felt I was doing exceptionally well, until Bf and I had a bad argument the day that he left for this trip. We exchanged some nasty words, and aside from the fact that we were neither in the right. I was particularly disappointed that I had lost grip on my new found calmness. She reminded me that we all trip occasionally, and suggested that I try not to be too hard on myself when I did ‘trip up’ since it is called mindful meditation practice for a reason.

I felt a little sad leaving the room for the last time… I will miss the sessions, and the opportunity of having someone to help guide and counsell me along my path to increased mindfulness.  That said, I do think the time is right-I really feel that she has pointed me in the right direction to finding solutions to these target areas from within, where I was previously searching fruitlessly for elsewhere. 

When I first went to see her 2 months ago: my only positive certainties were that I knew I loved Bf deeply and I new I was determined to do everything in my power to make it work.  My problem was that I had lost sight of how to apply these qualities without trying too hard to control things that were not mine to control.  As a result of my overwhelming desire and barren attempts to exert control over our lives: I had lost sight of the power I had to bring about positive changes in my life that were realistically achievable.

I had actually reached reached the verge of hopeless.  I’d forgotten who I was-after falling into a deep black abyss of spiralling negativity and was caught up in automatic reaction, and a sense of despair because I didn’t know how and if I could ever successfully climb back out, and reclaim myself.

Two months on, I feel like a different person.  She has shown me that all that I need is within me.  This trip of Bf’s would have eaten me alive with jealousy, frustration and eventually anger before I started these sessions; purely because it’s a long trip, that we had planned to be sharing together, to a place that I wanted to go to with him, and because I have not been able to go for reasons beyond our control. 

…It would have started off with frustration before the trip, which would have turned into jealousy about missing out, which in turn would have led to bitterness about being stuck at home with the domestic chores, resentment towards the fact that he’d be sharing it instead with other crew (and particularly other women).  This would then have left me sleepless, which often led to an over-tired, over-active imagination, and a sense of irrational panic and fear hi-jacking me, and finally with me potentially either feeling quietly miserable, or arguing with Bf and punishing him for something that wasn’t his fault or desire in the first place.

Instead, whilst I still feel somewhat disappointed that I missed out on a holiday; I was able to recognise that Bf is lucky to have a career he loves; I am lucky to have the man I love, and lucky that he feels fulfilled-and to realise that it’s not fair to punish him for the past or hold his happiness against him…

Most importantly I feel empowered-I have stopped being a victim, and taken responsibility for my own happiness.  I have let go of my anxiety by focusing less on the external stuff I can’t and shouldn’t try to control, and am focusing my effort and energy on the things that I do have the power to change.  

Instead of pushing Bf away (like I had started having a tendency to do)., by letting go: Bf has become more attentive, and I have been able to feel happier just because I know he is happy.  Knowing that he misses me, and is thinking more about what I might be doing instead of vice-versa, and acknowledging that regardless of what he is doing I still have control over my own life, happiness and fulfillment has actually improved not only our relationship but also my wider sense of positivity and well being (and my sleep!)

I know that there are plenty of very happy pilot relationships out there, but this experience has made me think that so many pilot girlfriends and wives could really benefit from this experience.  It’s so easy to become pre-occupied with what we’ve given up in our normal lives to be in these relationships, to lose sight of the positive and trade that for a concentration on how lonely we might feel without our partners at times because of the social constraints on their time off , and to forget that we’re here because we chose to be, because we love them.It’s easy to become so wrapped up and bogged down with these factors, that we forget that we had lives before we had our pilots, and that somehow, we chose this life for a reason.  This industry has the potential to transform even the most composed, self-assured, beautiful woman into someone who experiences self-doubt, insecurity, low self-esteem or jealousy (or all of the above!)

Before I left, she gave me this lovely poem by Kabir as a reminder of what she has taken the time to show me:

Don’t go outside your house to see the flowers.

My friend, don’t bother with that excursion.

Inside your body there are flowers.

One flower has a thousand petals.

That will do for a place to sit.

Sitting there you will have a glimpse of beauty

Inside your body and out of it,

Before gardens and after gardens.

I feel so glad that I was able to have this valuable life training, and if I had my way: it would be offered and funded by all airlines to support the pilot and all air crew families through the difficulties that they experience as a result of the industry stereotypes-heaven knows, they certainly helped feed the stereotypes and create the culture that creates so many of the insecurities that cause so many divorces and family break downs in the industry!