Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

To blog OR not to blog. That is the dilemma


I used to love writing this blog, when I started writing it years ago, I just wanted to write it for myself because I have always kept a diary and decided that starting one online was a natural progression.  I understood that some people might stumble across it and that a few people might read it, but I never anticipated how many would find it.  After a time, as I saw the stats counter start pinging around, yet had few comments.

I started to felt very exposed and vulnerable: a little bit like someone who was the victim of a peeping Tom!  I found myself wondering who my anonymous readers were… I deleted old posts that were very personal, or removed personal references and names of people and places.  Looking back, as the comments started to come in, I also stopped writing it so much for myself and couldn’t help but write it with the reader in mind; probably because I got a few particularly spiteful comments that upset me a great deal at the time…

Over the years I have grown a thicker skin and those comments don’t get to me anymore, on the rare occasion that I do get them.  On the flip side-I received a heck of a lot of lovely comments from readers who found comfort in my posts and are grateful for the fact that I have opened myself up this way.  I also got lots of words of comfort from readers when I have been down, which were massively valuable to me at those times.

I went through about 18 months where I felt very insecure about the aviation world, and that was openly expressed in my posts, some of which were written to lash out at the people who represented my fears and offered others the opportunity to do the same.  Two posts in particular invited people to turn the posts into what essentially became a name-and-shame forum or a space to vent about their frustrations and witch hunt people who were acting badly.  Thankfully, I realised I was on a self-destruct mission before I pushed the button.  I sought help in the form of counselling, read a lot of books about the subject, and started practicing mindful meditation as a means of shifting my focus away from worrying about things that may not ever happen in the future and accepting the aviation world as it is, and putting my faith in me, my man, and our relationship, rather than worrying that his uniform would define him and his actions.

The issue now I guess, is that as I started to evolve and grow, my old blog posts still remained.  I continue to receive comments on these old posts: comments that I can no longer relate to, from people that are still trapped inside the same dark place that I once stood. Occasionally it was like moving 2 steps forward, and then taking 1 step back again as comments came in to my inbox that echoed my old feelings or reminded me of my old insecurities and inadequacies that I simply don’t feel or want to feel ever again.  It’s not even as though I could stop reading them, since they are delivered to me personally as the blog administrator.  The comments that come in scratch away at fading scars of wounds that have since healed over, and  I don’t want to open those wounds again.  At the same time though, I dont want to deny the journey I have been on, the route that I took, or how far I have come along the way, but I just dont want to keep reading them ALL THE TIME!  It saddens me to think of how down and sometimes depressed these readers are, and at the same time, I cant save them all-some don’t even want to be saved.

So, the bigger picture is, I have changed so much since I started writing this blog, that I actually feel like a different person in many respects.  I haven’t wanted to write so much about the side of my life connected to my relationship since my focus and interests have shifted away from the aviation bubble, and I find myself wondering, do readers of a blog CALLED ‘Partner of a Pilot’ actually want to bother reading about little me?  The comments have certainly started to wane, but this could be because I am reluctant to be too open with my past posts in the frame?  Even if they do: Do I want to share myself in the same space as I once used to expose my insecurities and lash out in anger at the aviation world, or do I want to shed the old skin and move on once and for all, so that I dont have to be haunted by the past?

I feel torn between leaving the blog active and there to help others who feel they gain something from it, and wanting to remove my blog completely from public view or even delete the posts in question, or the entire blog, and start a new private ‘diary’ from afresh that will remain just for me so that I can be truly open, and explore my experiences fully and openly without a care about who might stumble across it…?

I don’t even know why I am bothering to write this here to be honest!  Maybe to serve as notice to you that if this blog suddenly disappears, you will at least understand why and not just be left wondering where I went or if something happened-I certainly don’t want people who follow my blog to worry unnecessarily.  Perhaps I will just leave this one post active and delete the rest from public view?  Jeeez, I just don’t know.  All I know is that as I have learned to focus on now, and not the future or the past; this blog’s hit counter is fast approaching 200,000 hits.  On an average day I get 200 hits, even though I rarely even post any more, and I am wondering whether I want or need this attention on my past life when I am so very different NOW?

Advertisements

13 Responses to “To blog OR not to blog. That is the dilemma”

  1. you have been through much my friend, i know my desire to blog has decreased mostly because my life has changed and i have new focus on things, but my blog has evolved with me just as yours have. It is in fact your story, so to blog or not to blog….whatever you decide will be the best only because it will be what is right for you! xxx

  2. Well,
    Thank you for providing me with a place to connect with so many others in the same situation as myself.
    It would be nice if there was a full time blog for the ones in the industry who do find themselves there…
    As for me… i stop by every now and then just to see if there is anyone in crisis…
    What ever you do , Thank you for being here as long as you were. I am sorry that the negative was so strong for so many.
    I wish you much success and happiness !
    Hugs

    • I have managed to get away and have some fun time out… Still not sure how I feel, but feeling less down about it… I dont want to take away the voices and ears of people who want those posts, I guess I just need to distance myself…

      I have just had an attack of conscience recently and have wondered whether I really have the right to allow people to name and shame… One lady in particular keeps posting the same name over and over and over again, with various insulting messages, and I am getting a bit SICK of hearing the name (pardon the pun, I’m sure you’ll know who I mean).

  3. Personally, I don’t think you should delete. I love when people can relate to my posts and draw something from them – in the same way that I feel I can find answers on the internet, I hope that people can find answers on my blog. And you know enough about my situation to know that I’m not the same person I was two years ago – or in the same situation.

    Remember, you can always “close” comments to posts, I think after “X” number of days, so you don’t have to be reminded. You can put updates on certain posts, pointing out what has changed, linking to new posts. There are a number of other things you can do, too.

    If you start a new blog, that would be totally understandable. But don’t delete this one, just put a post up saying you’re no longer updating due to whatever reason. There are people who need your perspective – I needed it at one time, I needed the assurance that I was not alone, and that it would all be okay…even though it didn’t end up that way.

    You are proof that the stereotype isn’t true. It’s important to keep that reality alive. And this comes from a woman the stereotype kicked in the gut.

    *hugs*

  4. Hope you don’t quit!

    There will always be haters – delete and forget 🙂

    I think the blog has become more about you and your life rather than simply being about being a partner of a pilot, but that’s fine and inevitable really. Afterall, you are so much more than just a pilot’s partner. Thank goodness!

    Keep writing xxx

    • Thanks Jemma, I feel better for some time out… Still in 2 minds, but feeling a bit less bogged down by everything. Your comment is very heart warming though, and I always enjoy reading your comments

  5. It’s interesting that you’re feeling the natural progression away from “pilot wifestyle” for your blog focus, because over the last 6 months or so, I have also. I changed my blog header and I write less posts about aviation. In my opinion, enough other pilot wives/girlfriends have picked up on aviation blogging, thus taking the place in the “bloggosphere” that I felt like our blogs used to.

    Life is about progression and change. The pain can subside, but the memories and scars also do. I hope you don’t delete your posts. Your journey has been such an inspiration and comfort to me. We’ve been through some similar trials and challenges, and I feel a very special kinship to you. If the random comments are a problem, I’d suggest closing comments on the old post.

    Keep writing. Even when I don’t comment, I read and think of you often.

    xoxo
    Nicole

    • That was a really thoughtful comment Nicole, thank you. I guess I am just feeling vulnerable about being open on my blog, since I know that some of my posts have caused certain pilots and FAs some discomfort…

      I have also been more open than some about my relationship, and I wouldn’t want that to bite bf or my family.

      My Mum also has an Internet stalker and I could really do without him latching onto this site!

      I do enjoy writing, but sometimes I ask myself whether this blog has now grown to a point that I cannot now evolve beyond if I stick with it. Does that make sense?

  6. Not sure if you remember me but i poseted a comment about 2 months back.. anyway, for what its worth just thought id share my view on it! You helped me so so so much, even though i wasnt down/depressed, just a bit insecure! I printed off what you wrote back to me and put it in my diary… i have a re-read of it every now and then when i need to be brought back to “here-and-now”… The advice you gave me then was based on where you were then, on your experiences/feelings at the time and based on your past… if you were to answer it again it might be a different answer… basically what I’m saying is that all those blogs ARE a part of your past, they are YOUR thoughts and feelings and helped carve out the person you are now. If not for them, you would not be you! So are you thankful for those experiences? Even though they are both positive and negative? I think you should be! I can understand not liking the “big brother” aspect of this, but weigh up the good it has done vs the negativity you have had. Even if you occasionally have to go back to a darker place and time to give your experience you still come back o where you are now but in the process help someone else…. I think without meaning to or starting off with that intention you have become a “soulmate” of alot of people! I know i even told BF about you! He commented last week on how much happier and at ease I’ve been lately (not quizzing him while he was away doing his I.R) etc, and albeit not ALL down to you, the vast majority of it is. You put alot of things in perspective for me and as a result i have a happier and healthier relationship with BF and outlook on life!

    I now feel as if I’m going on and on now and i dont mean to! If you do stop blogging, then i wish you all the best with what you decide to do! And genuinely, with all my heart,
    THANK YOU!

  7. I know how you feel, I used to have another aviation-related blog but silly me didn’t keep it anonymous and got some horrid messages from my ex colleagues. So now I’m starting again with a pseudonym. Just remember that these idiots only get brave behind a keyboard and are wimps in real life!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: