Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

Life’s ups and downs

As it happens, my birthday went rather better than expected. Bf’s night flight had been due to land in an alternative airport, but thankfully, when he arrived at the airport they announced that this would no longer be the case, and he would instead land back at our own local base.  He arrived home at 10am in time to give me my birthday card, and go to bed to sleep off his nights work.

He had put some money inside the card, which he insisted I spoil myself with. I told him it was really not sensible-considering that we have so much expense right now but he actually insisted, and told me not to feel guilty since I rarely spend money on myself.

So I took my little girl shopping for the day and bought some cropped jeans, a new bag and purse, some make up and a dress! Not designer clobber-I hasten to add, I’ve never been a slave to labels (okay, well maybe in my late teens).

In the evening he took me to dinner with some friends, and after all my pre-conceived ideas about how lonely and rubbish my day was going to be-it actually turned out to be a great day and night 😀

Unfortunately though, my health has rained on this parade more than a little. It turns out that some of my old pelvic health issues appear to have returned. I’ve been in some pain recently and the consultant that I was referred to has decided that I need to have more surgery. I am not entirely sure how bad things are, because the consultant has told me that they will need to perform a surgical procedure under general anaesthetic in order to assess just how much treatment/surgery is necessary.

He said with a bit of luck, they’ll be able to burn off and/or cut out whatever needs to be removed via this same keyhole surgery simultaneously. However, since I have a lot of internal scar tissue already-they may not be able to see much, and if this is the case they’ll need to perform major abdominal surgery to get at, or remove whatever the problem areas are.  He said that since they do not like to wait or give too many surgical procedures and general anaesthetics-that if this is the case-they will just go ahead and perform the surgery whilst I am still under!

I feel a bit dumbstruck to be honest: since this means that not only do I have no real clear answer as to what exactly the diagnosis is, but I shall have to be go into a general anaesthetic not knowing if I will wake from a relatively minor surgical procedure, or one that will leave me with a recovery period similar to that of a c-section, and potentially unable to give Bf a second child. I do feel blessed to have children at all, and I’m not entirely convinced he’d even want any more, but it’s frightening to have that decision taken from me.)!

This whole thing feels so sudden, and has really scared the hell out of me if I’m honest. I am also angry with the consultant, because I feel like he left me with more fears and questions than reassurance or answers…  The nurse who was assisting him could tell I was distressed about his apparent inability to actually listen to and answer the questions I was asking, and she was trying to descreetly address some of these whilst she helped ready me for my examination.

I have tried to hurry through a life assurance policy: dedicated solely to my sons in the event that the worst should happen, or that the diagnosis is not good.  I had already started the ball rolling with this prior to my referral, but I am hoping that they have already requested my medical notes from my doctor prior to the hospital records being synched up with the doctors ones.

Bf hasn’t been as supportive as I would have liked-that’s not to say that he’s been unsupportive either: I still get the usual cuddles and comedy act …but regarding the whole medical situation, he seems a bit distant.  I think that until he gets something concrete and tangible to base his response on, he’ll be totally unable to really give me the exact emotional support I’m pining for. 

He doesn’t seem to understand why I cant switch of my fear and anxiety about the unknown.  I am really trying to just let go, but it’s so bloody hard!  I wish I were the type that could just turn off my fear like that-I guess it’s a pretty important skill for a pilot in crises, I’ll have to work more on my mindful meditation and hope that I can start to get more sleep.  Last night all I dreamed about (for my entire 3 hour sleep) was my stupid consultant appointment. 

I’m also really annoyed. I had private medical insurance, but cancelled it, because Bf told me he’d put me on his airline’s policy, but as it transpires, they changed provider (or something else admin orientated?!), and I wasn’t added. The application is still in progress, so I doubt I’ll be able to pursue alternative routes privately 😦


7 Responses to “Life’s ups and downs”

  1. I am glad that you had a nice birthday.
    So sorry to hear about the medical problems you have been having I have a lot of sympathy and I know that I would feel v anxious in your situation and it must be horrible not having the answers. What is it that is stopping you from sleeping? Is it the worry about the situation? Do you get that stomach churing in the night? I suppose it is a form of anxiety and totally understandable in the situation you’re in. Maybe bf doesn’t really know how to deal with the situation so is appearing distant for that reason? When will you know when your surgery will be? Or is it a case of playing the waiting game? Shame about the private health care – these things never seem to come off! Sending a hug for you and I really hope it all goes ok and you are able to get the answers you need asap xx

    • Thanks Debs, yes, I think that’s exactly why he’s been a bit distant. It’s not a lack of concern, it’s a lack of knowing what to say.

  2. So sorry to hear about this medical issue Partner, sending you virtual hugs and my thoughts. It sounds to me that your BF is a bit scared, and is covering up his feelings because he feels powerless. Men like to feel they can protect you, whereas he has step back and leave this problem to the doctors and this will make him feel out of control of the situation. Have you tried talking to him and telling him you could do with more emotional support? Remember that through his ‘cuddles and comedy’ he is showing you his feelings – even if he finds it difficult to talk about them.

    Thinking of you.

    PS and Happy Birthday, glad you had such a lovely day.

    • Thank you Jemma. I think you’re right. I wish I could implant the sympathy gene into him though! Lol

  3. Such a shock, and so sorry to read what I do about you. I just cant get over it and must admit, I just had to read the posting not once, but three times.

    I am sorry if I sound like a disheartened pig when I say, please get your eggs frozen or such like if you can. As one can see from your blog, life changes a lot for people. You never know when or with whom you will want children for. I also know it comes as little or no help to say that the child will at least be from your eggs but at times one does have to look on the bright side. You already have a number of what I presume are beautiful children, who probably make your mum a very proud grandma.

    I am away for a few weeks, but will keep a look out for things on my return.

    Ones prayers and hopes are with you and your family.

    Keep on trying to smile inside, and outside, you can only go up from this.

  4. Sorry to hear about you have to go through this medical problem.
    Perhaps you can arrange another medical appointment for a second opinion with another specialist . Your life is in their hand, U do have a choice to find a Doctor who you can trust.

  5. I think your BF is probably just finding it as hard to deal with as you are. We all have different ways of coping with our fears – and for some, it’s simply not talking about them.

    I hope you don’t have long to wait before your operation. I had something similar last year, as you know. Not a nice experience, and better sorted out sooner rather than later!


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