Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

Is it wrong that I don’t care?

I have had an incredibly busy week.  It’s been the school holidays, and my ex had the boys for the latter week.  I don’t normally like him having them for so long, but in this case it was both good and necessary, especially after he rang me to have this conversation about his relationship of about 4 months:

“Look, um, I’m going to tell you now because I’d rather you heard it from me and not someone else.”

In my mind, I wonder what else he thinks he could possibly do to me anymore that would shock, appaul or hurt me  more than he did whist we were together.  I mean, he beat me up to the point that I needed reconstructive plastic surgery whilst I was pregnant with his second son, and threatened to kill Bf and I when I was pregnant with Bf’s daughter.  That was the last thing he ever did to cause me pain.  I paid £5,500 to take him to court and get a restraining order out against him after that.

I really have no feelings left for the man, nothing. I don’t even hate him any more, in many ways, I have him to thank for my strenth. I’m not sure I would have been a strong or patient enough person to appreciate Bf if I had never known him.  I did hate my ex for a while, but once the divorce was finalised and I moved away from the area that I had lived in with him, he’d lost his ability to influence my happiness.  I remember trying to speak to him reasonably about the fact that I was entitled to move on with my life, and told him that the doctors were concerned about Baby’s health. I’ll never forget him laughing and telling me that I was stupid if I thought he should care whether I lost another man’s child! 

Two months later, when I was about eight months pregnant, and was only handing the boys over to him in a petrol station that has CCTV everywhere near my current residence, he looked sad and told me he’d lost everything now, and told me he’d take me back  if I’d have him.  I think the deluded fool may have even talked about forgiving me to do so!  I didn’t laugh or say anything to provoke his mood into anger (as much as I wanted to laugh in his face and tell him that it was nothing more than he deserved).

Since then he has ‘almost married’ about three different girls since.  He even tried to reduce his child maintenance payments for our boys at one point because he was going to take parental responsibility for the children of one of these girls.  So as I say, nothing he can say shocks me any more.  Or so I thought until his next words to me were:

“My girlfriend is pregnant, I’m going to have another baby in September.”

“I didn’t even realise you had a girlfriend.”

“yes, she’s the one I needed New Years Eve off to be with.”

A quick flash back in my memory to a conversation something to the effect of him needing New Year’s Eve without the boys, as his girlfriend was still quite young and really wanted to party.

“I thought she was only 19?” (by the way he’s 34, and our oldest son is 10).

“Actually, she’s just turned 21” (SO much better! I was 21 when I had my first one too, and always felt that it was too young). 

This wasn’t actually the shocking part though! He proceeded with:

“How do you think the boys will take having a black half sibling?”

Now this did shock me.  In fact, it was the funniest thing I had ever heard! His parents couldn’t be more racist if they tried. I never liked his parents; they were mean, ignorant biggots with a low opinion of anyone who wanted to educate themselves.  His mother grated on my nerves like finger nails scratching against a blackboard.  I have never met two more vile people in my life. They were meant for each other though-at least they shan’t have a chance to ruin another pair! Their offspring was really quite the charmer by comparison in fact! At least he wanted to try and be better than he was.  I would rather eat shit than ever spend time with them again; especially after they beat me up in front of my (then 13 month old son) for *gasp* daring to leave their son and find another man without a sufficiently long (mourning) time!  Lets just say that the apple didn’t fall very far from the rotten tree. 

I love that they are about to have mixed-race grand child; I can only think that it must be God’s way of teaching them to love others that don’t fit into their own mold. Any way, I digress…

“So when are you guys getting hitched?”  (I couldn’t resist indulging my humour one comment).

“Ha ha, it wasn’t planned. We discussed ‘not going through with the pregnancy’, but she won’t consider it, and I wont consider adoption, so I guess we’re having a baby.”

“So what do your parent’s think?”

“They’re fine with it.” (he’s such a bad liar)

“Okay seriously though, never mind her skin colour-the boys aren’t racist, they wont care whether the baby is black, white, yellow or purple for that matter…  But you guys haven’t been a couple for long, does she have much of a relationship with the boys?”

“Well they’ve met her.”

“What does that mean? How many times? Do they get along?”

“They’ve met a few times.” (it’s like trying to pull teeth getting a straight answer out of this man even now, when I’m not his wife).

“Well then THAT is your main concern. You’d better start building a relationship between them quickly, because she’s closer to their age than yours and I would be more concerned about how that will impact your relationship with them!”

So he had them for the latter week of the Easter holidays. They had great fun, it turns out that her brother is a year younger than my oldest (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and so he also spent a lot of time around there too, it’s great that the boys have a new little chum. They thought it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard when I explained that he would actually be a step-uncle to them if their dad were ever likely to marry his sister!

I am shocked, but not hurt, sorry, envious or any of the other things that he might have hoped.  In fact, as far as I am concerned, it’s great! It gives me peace of mind that I’m no longer his main female concern.  If he ever splits up with this one, he can’t accuse me of ruining his life.  I just hope that it doesn’t affect the boys too much. After he told them the news, I spent some time showing them videos from when they were tiny to make them laugh. They enjoyed the videos, but when I went upstairs to tuck them in and read a bed time story to them, my six year was tear stained. When I asked what was the matter, he went quiet, and my older son said that his younger brother was upset because he wished he was a baby again so that he would be more loved.

That really hurt, I felt like I’d had all the wind taken out of my sails, and I spent a good time just cuddling him and goofing around with him, reminding him of all the great reasons to be a ‘big boy’. I just felt so bad afterwards. It made me wonder if he feels rejected because I have another baby, and now his dad will too… Maybe he feels like he’s lost a little of his identity? I’ve been very mindful of giving him lots of extra affection and attention since that moment.  I feel like I need to compensate him for his loss.

The week away seems to have helped them though.  They both came back in good spirits. I just hope that my ex has learned that his temper is not a productive way to deal with his frustrations, and I hope that she is a stronger person than I was. I met her last week and she is an absolute beauty. He’s really landed on his feet with her. I hope she knows what she’s getting herself in to-though to be honest I doubt it.

On a more positive note, it was actually lovely to have a week without the stress of work and school runs; and to have more time out for me to just enjoy myself. Bf was home a reasonable amount and a good girl friend of mine visited.  We were able to go out  and have some quality girl time. We had a riot actually, and I feel like I’ve recharged my batteries a little in the process, and reminded myself that life is fun when I make the effort to make time out for myself and to get out and live in the moment rather than ruminating on some of the overwhelming emotional stress that I have experienced recently. 

I had another counselling session today. Next week may well be my last session. I feel so much more at peace with my self. I have realised that as much as Bf is a control freak, I have also become quite focused on trying to control aspects of my life where I really need to just let go and accept the situation.  The book she recommended is amazing too. I will probably write more on that another time.  Even just realising that has been empowering. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few months.

Bf has even taken the plunge and asked the doctor for counselling to help him with his step parenting issues. I think that my enthusiasm about the process coupled with my younger son’s reaction to the baby stuff has been the motivation he needed.  I’m so touched, especially because this is a footprint on his medical record, the pilot’s holy grail.  I just hope he gets at least half as much out of it as I have.  He’s said he wants to read this book after me, which can only be a good thing.


16 Responses to “Is it wrong that I don’t care?”

  1. That is awful that you went through the things you did with your ex and his parents! Shocking that people can act that way against the mother of their son’s children! However I can only think as you pointed out it can only be a good thing for you and bf that he has a new gf and baby as I suspect all the threats etc came from jealousy!
    Hopefully the boys will enjoy having a new pal to play with and a new half brother or sister and though I can see how it must have hurt you that your youngest son was upset I don’t think you should take it as a reflection on you as you have always loved your three equally – I think to some extent it is normal for him to question his position when there is a change in the family dynamics. Nice that he has had extra attention though 🙂
    Also it is a very positive step that bf has asked for counselling and that can only strengthen your family unit – it shows he must care a lot to do this 🙂 xx

    • It was shocking, even Bf, who isn’t remotely aggressive wanted to go and smash up his parents house after they beat me up. I’d only gone there to take their grandson for a visit after my ex had begged me to!

      My ex has always believed that I left him for Bf, when in fact the truth is that I planned my escape months ahead of our separation date.

      He is a habitual liar, and deeply insecure. He was very jealous when I moved on, because he always believed I’d go back to him.

      I’m so proud of Bf for asking for the counselling though… I never thought he would go via a doctor referral. I think he realised through my experience though that it’s actually a very healthy and beneficial experience.

      • I’m not suprised bf felt that way!

        I cannot believe what your ex’s parents did to you – you must have been so scared! and to not give you your son…!! Did you report the violence to the police also?

        Who could blame you even if you HAD left your ex for bf?!
        Hopefully now though you will be left to get on with your lives together!

        I doubt that the counselling would affect bf’s career, in fact you would have thought that it would be seen as a poistive that he is able to confront his feelings and want to get help!

        I am so glad you have found a decent man after what you have been through xx

        • I did report it to the police, but never pressed charges in the end. I did refuse to allow his parents to see the boys until they wrote me an apology letter, but even that was a joke-they were sorry-“THAT ex and I couldn’t work things out!?” WTF? That was NOT an apology for abusing me in front of my son really was it?

          Still, I felt I had made my point, and knew that it was about as close as THEY would ever come to apologising for anything.

          Any way, it was a blessing that they did that really, as I have now been able to openly voice my distain for them without being called irrational.

          I’m so lucky now, because not only is Bf the polar opposite of my ex, but his parents and family are wonderful supportive, well educated, charming people.

  2. “I would rather eat shit than ever spend time with them again; especially after they beat me up in front of my (then 13 month old son) for *gasp* daring to leave their son and find another man without a sufficiently long (mourning) time!”

    Am I mis-reading this or did his parents physically abuse you too? They sound absolutely inhuman.

    It must be difficult for your boys, they are inbetween two families rather than being at the heart of one. It must be so difficult feeling that your parents have got new partners and new children.

    Think its very positive that your BF is making steps to incorporate them more into your family though, I hope that makes a difference.

    • Yes Jem, you read correct. I had to call the police to get my son back from them after they beat me up too, as they told me ‘he was no longer my son.’ They really are disgusting people.

      I know, it must be hard. My mum re-married, my dad never did, but neither had any more children. I remember worrying that my dad would as a child though.

      • I am truly shocked.

        The boys may find the changes challenging, but at least they are not subject to this anymore.

        Thankgoodness you got away and not have a strong, supportive relationship.

        • It’s part of why I don’t often talk about it. I am (with hindsight) so annoyed for not seeing the lot of them for what they were much sooner than I did.

          Although in my defence, I was only 19 when I met him, and he was a ‘whirlwind romance’ type. We were engaged within 3 months, pregnant within 7 months and married within 11 months.

          His faults didn’t really start to show very obviously until our son was about 3 years old.

          I never liked his parents. There was just nothing of any interest about them. They were ignorant, stupid, gluttonous, selfish people, with no drive to do anything except compulsive baking and cleaning. They never went anywhere or did anything! They were so self rightcheous and used to preach to me about how it was ‘wrong’ to go abroad on a plane unless you had seen EVERYTHING in your own country first (partly because I suspect his father had agoraphobic tendencies, but wouldn’t admit it). So they never ventured out of their own house unless it was to go grocery shopping.

          I felt that I should not make decisions based on them alone; but honestly his mum in particular made my life a misery. My ex insisted on living within a mile of them, and she didn’t drive-so the second that I fell pregnant-I was treated like a family posession. I was an unpaid taxi service and personal shopper, and the incubator for their grand child. If I failed to appear at her house for 2 consecutive days. She’d pick up the phone to my ex and bark down the phone, demanding to know what she’d done so wrong! Not once did she phone me to ask if I would go around. She was the most toxic, poisonous, vindictive, judgemental woman I ever knew; she always had strong opinionated views about most things, but especially child rearing, and you can guarantee I was always wrong. She even told me that breast feeding was wrong-and tried to convince me that I’d give my son cancer if I did it!

          My parents have even said she’s a nasty piece of work (and they’re just not like that at all). Everyone I know who’s ever seen her has commented on how mean and squinty her little eyes look. I always think you can tell a lot about someone by their eyes, and hers were full of hate, resentment, jealousy and bitterness. Ugh, I’m SOOOOO glad I never have to see them again. I hope to God that I never have to see them again.

  3. I am rather shocked to read about your past experience with your ex. I am glad that now you are in a loving relationship and that there’s normalcy in your sons’ lives.

    Yes, I am touched by what your younger son said. Poor baby. It must be difficult for him to see his parents moving on and having new families. You did right girl. Shower him with love and let him know he’s special.

    You are right about being stronger after going through such a traumatic experience. Fact is, you got yourself out of that abusive relationship and you moved on. Good for you! HUGS.

    It is so nice of your BF to want to be more involved in your son’s upbringing. It shows his commitment and love for you and your sons. For this, I am really happy for you.

    • Thanks Hour Glass.

      It’s not something I often talk about, partially because I feel it’s my past, and I’m done with that chapter of my life, partially because he is still the boys father, and partially because I don’t like to give it air time.

      I’m also more than a little embarrassed that I got tangled up with him and his family; though in fairness he concealed it well, and didn’t allow me to meet his parents until we were practically engaged (because he was himself a little embarrassed of them).

      In fact, when I kicked him out-I had to beg my mum to take him in the intrerim before he could find somewhere else to go, since he point blank said he could not live with his own parents!

      • The fact that you are able to talk about it means that you are done with feeling ashamed or sorry for yourself. You have raised above it and look at things more objectively. It just means you are in control of your life now! Well done!

        Not everyone has the strength or the desire to get themselves out of a rut. It takes alot of courage and strength to do what you did. You should be proud of yourself. I have seen people who suffers from an abusive relationship and not do a thing to save themselves.

        Your ex is such useless, insecure coward. Good riddance.

        • Haha! Thank you for that response Hour Glass! It took me a long time to find the courage to leave, and even when I did I planned it months ahead. He was always ‘so sorry’ for what he’d done to me, but would never admit it to anyone else-even our counsellor!

          He finally agreed to get anger management counselling when I told him it was over, but it was only out of desperation to salvage the relationship-not because he felt he wanted the help.

          When we split up, everyone (except my mum, who had known about the violence, because she had to take me to hospital) was shocked that I’d ended the relationship and thought it was really sudden, because we always put on a great ‘happy family’ facade.

          I can see how people get trapped into forgiving someone they love for domestic violence even though from the outside, it seems illogical. Especially because they are ashamed and regret what they have done. My ex even offered to ‘hand himself in’ at the police station, but I was pregnant and scared of how I’d manage on my own at the time.

          With hindsight, I know that he never would have-it was just emotionally charged melodrama designed to manipulate me into a quick resolution.

          I was amazed at how easy it was to cope alone when I finally DID find the strength within me to end it with him-in fact it was a piece of cake compared to being with him!

          It wasn’t really until after I left him that I trully saw just how terribly he’d treated me, because you’re always finding a reason to explain or excuse their behaviour when you are in the middle of it. I cant tell you how many times I blamed myself, because I’d argued with him, or put it down to stress… But the truth is, nobody has to resort to violence to solve a problem. If they do, then they are not in control of themselves and the relationship is dangerous to continue with until they accept they have a problem and actively seek help because they know they need it and want to stop of their own accord.

  4. All I have to say is – karma is a bitch. Good for you for getting away from him and his family and watching out for your boys.

  5. Hhahaha, I agree with Cpt J’s wife! I’m so glad you are out of that hellhole of a relationship! I almost feel sorry for this poor new girlfriend and their unborn baby. Talk about a mother-in-law from hell. I’m sure you are LOVING that you moved up in this world and didn’t let him ruin your life forever!

    • I have to say I am glad I am not with him anymore, I am thrilled I don’t have to endure his family any more and it’s not so much that I’ve gone up in the world, as that I recovered from a temorary blip in my standards and judgement! 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: