Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

“Help I’ve been Hijacked!” Fear, resentment and insecurity in a pilot relationship…

Well, Bf was much nicer to me after my last post. He took me out to lunch that very day, we took the bike and trailer for Baby and had lunch at a nearby farm restaurant.  He gave me time out for me the next day and I was able to get out and go to burn off my excess negative energy at the gym. Then we had a lovely weekend.

We went to a town about 45 minutes away for a wander around, and then we went out for dinner.  It was also Mother’s day here in the UK on Sunday, and we went out for a walk in the forest.

He left yesterday for the week, and I feel so low. I don’t normally feel anything like this when he normally goes away. I am just so fed up with his roster this month. I feel drained and empty, and didn’t manage to sleep at all last night. I have now been awake for 26 hours.  I had a neurotic episode where I texted Bf about 40 times over the night, and despite his reassurance on three or four occasions by text I felt lost, lonely and unhappy.

This morning, just as the birds were waking and daylight started to creep  in, Bf called to say goodnight. I ended up picking an argument with him, and although we did make up, I just got off the phone feeling even worse.

I am having a hugely insecure day, and I feel like a zombie.  Poor Baby deserves her mummy to be energetic and full of fun for her, but I have burst into tears for no real reason except bizarre self-pity at least three times already today, and it’s only 10am.  It’s unlike me. Right at this moment; if I could, I would crawl into a hole, close my eyes and blink myself out of existence.  I know that probably sounds extremely melodramatic… I have a good life on the whole, but today for some reason I cant see anything positive at all.

I’m going to try to catch a few hours sleep when Baby goes down for her nap in a little while, maybe I will feel a little better afterwards. 

I started attending counselling sessions two weeks ago; because although on the whole, Bf and I have worked through our issues regarding his indiscretion a couple of years back; I still have a few residual trust and resentment issues that rear their ugly heads from time to time.  They are my problem, not Bf’s. I cant hold a mistake against him forever-especially when he has made so much effort to make amends since.

My therapist, listened to my explanation of how I feel from time to time when Bf is away.  Pretty much the way I was last night. It’s almost like an  irrational or phobic feeling creeping over me, and normal (reasonable) means of reassurance, just aren’t enough to pull me out of the funk. She described it as being like being ‘hijacked’ by fear, resentment, and anger; and she absolutely hit the nail on the head!

I feel totally hijacked by negativity at these times! I am not a negative person, people who know me would probably never think I was the author of this blog entry if they stumbled across it, but today I feel like someone else, and it’s not a fun out of body experience at all.

The therapist said that in order to attack these episodes, I should take note of exactly how I feel, emotionally and physically at the time it happens, so that I recognise the triggers. I have suffered with a deep rooted phobia of needles since I was tiny (which I’ve had hypnotherapy for, and am now able to deal with) and I suffered with panic attacks when I was pregnant; and I can only describe this as being a cross between the two.

They always happen in the middle of the night, and normally when Bf has flown Westbound (so that it’s earlier in the day for him).  A tight feeling creeps across my chest, and although I know I can breathe (therin lies the difference to my old panic attacks); I feel like I have a mass of adrenaline coursing through my body… The ‘fight or flight’ reaction with no apparent cause.  I feel very insecure and inadequate and panic that I am not good enough to be worthy of my loved ones.  I’ll text bf, and if he doesn’t respond within minutes, then the feeling amplifies to the point where my gut is doing somersaults and I can end up being physically sick, or everything will go through me… A gut reaction in the true sense of the word.

I seize upon Bf’s lack of immediate contact and will systematically use every means available to contact him until he either calls or texts, which by that time is usually not enough to pacify me-often, the feelings of panic and fear have amplified to the point of anger and resentment and I project them at Bf. 

My therapist has suggested that once I have observed and learn to recognise these triggers that I can learn to control it through meditation and breathing control techniques.  This makes a lot of sense to me. With my phobia of needles, I have learned though hypnosis to alter my state of fear through breathing and self hypnosis.  I tried last night to put this into practice, but unfortunately, I was so busy noting down all of my feelings that I became very wrapped up and focused on the negative triggers-to a point where I had reached that tipping point into a full blown hissy fit.

I hate getting like it. It’s hard to even write about it and confess to it in a public, albeit anonymous space; because in my normal every day life I am usually pragmatic, well balanced, and I think I generally (normally) have a positive attitude and outlook on life and it’s issues.  

So far I’m only 2 sessions into the counselling, but I have a lot of faith in the lady counselling me. She seems to have a great insight into my problem, and is well focused on actually proactively doing something about it.  In the first session, she pretty much just listened, but made me summarise what I wanted to achieve through the sessions I have booked with her. In the second session, she listened, but also discussed a strategy of becoming more self aware of what trigger’s one of these episodes, and introduced the concept of a coping mechanism for me.

I have high hopes for my remaining sessions, and I guess in some ways, my having experienced this episode this week will serve to help me address this problem, and heal more quickly.  I actually think that the things I am learning about how I deal with these situations, will also have an impact on how I handle negative situations in the wider world too-it should be a useful life tool.

I actually feel much better for having blogged this off my chest! I can honestly say this has been a very cathartic and liberating post for me… At the start of this entry, I was feeling completely despondent, forlorn and was wallowing in self-pity.  I now feal much more peaceful, resolved and balanced.  It really does help to rationalise things and make sense of them when you’re in a negative space…  

Before the counselling had started, I’d started to feel quite demoralised about these occasional negative outbursts/episodes; but viewing them as a ‘hijacking’  has given me a better perspective of the situation; with each episode being viewed in the same way as a virus invading my body and mind; except that: overwhelming negative emotions replace the bacterial or viral symptoms…  It’s distinctly reassuring now, that I can look at this from the outside, and know that I can work at purging the negative outbreak from within rather like immunising myself against a virus…  Once I teach myself the coping mechanisms for the symptoms/triggers, I should hopefully have a healthy resistance to any serious reactions reocurring in the future.


28 Responses to ““Help I’ve been Hijacked!” Fear, resentment and insecurity in a pilot relationship…”

  1. I’m four sessions into my counseling. I’ve been dealing with fear, guilt, insecurity, and other similar emotions. I’m sorry you’ve been an emotional rollercoaster lately. I honestly know the many of the feelings you are experiencing (although not the issues with Bf…my DH is giving me all the attention I need through this hard time)

    I’ll keep you in my prayers.

    • Thank you so much for your support Nicole. Actually I can’t blame these weird bouts of behaviour entirely on Bf.

      Even when he is Being a superstar-I can still experience them; hence my motivation to wat to get to the root of it really.


  2. Being a huge advocate of counseling, I think you are doing a great thing for yourself. I had to resort to pharmaceuticals to get me through my anxiety and it has worked tremendously (as you know I have anxiety about EVERYTHING, not just my marriage). It’s helpful to know that you are not alone, that most of us have been in a similiar situation at some point in our relationships. Keep your chin up and hang in there =)

    • Aw, thanks for your kind wos of support too Cpt J’s Wife. I ally want to avoid medication, and addss the root cause of my particular emotions.

      I actually think the airlines should have a dedicated counsellor to suort the families and in particular the next of kin life partners/spouses of pilots!

      Studies have shown that a high number of pilot SOs are prone to anxiety and depssion, etc.

      I personally think every pilot wife or partner should get counselling even if they don’t think they need it-like the Catholic church insists on for couples that intend to marry. I just think it’s a great source to help you recognise, confront and resolve internal emotional conflict that we may net even be aware we have.

      I think in the US that you have a much healthier attitude towards counselling and psychotherapy. Here in the UK. There is still a bit of a stigma attached to it-as though you MUST be somehow inadequate to need it.

  3. Thanks so much for writing this post. I myself suffer from terrible anxiety & though I really feel for you it is comforting to know that I am not the only one! My anxiety started at a very young age and was a fear of being seriously ill or dying – I have no idea where it came from but if I had a headache I would convince myself it was a brain tumour and this was not hypochondria it was pure terror and totally irrational fear. I still get bad panic attacks that happen mainly when I am away from home – I didn’t go on holiday for years and have missed out on a lot of opportunities because of this I am sad to say. It has been especially bad recently & to be honest it is pure hell living every day convinced that you are going to die! I too get a very tight chest and convince myself I can’t breath then the other terrifying symptoms start… my partner is a good help but I don’t think anyone can truly understand unless they have been through and experienced this themselves. I think you are very brave to talk about it and it has really helped me decide to go and seek help – I have had help in the past but has never cured it. I thing you are spot on with the fact that seeing a councillor in the UK has a big stigma attached but have never understood why?! If anything it should be an admiral thing and I believe a person is stronger for getting help. Keep going I think you are doing great with it and keep us updated – it really does help people. As for the short term – why not take baby for a nice walk or watch a light hearted TV show before bed? Everyone has negative thoughts from time to time – you are only human and don’t beat yourself up about it!

    • Debs,

      Thank you so very much for that comment. Although as you say, it’s not something you would wish on anyone else, there is comfort in numbers, and strength too I think.

      With regards to your failed therapy before, I think it’s absolutely KEY to find a counsellor/therapist that ‘gets’ you and who is intuitive to the way you tick. I am very self analytical and she has really tuned into that.

      She has just fine tuned the way that I do it, and given me some more constructive ways to direct it.

      If you don’t click with your counsellor pretty much by session 2, I’d say it’s almost a waste of time (personally). Bf and I saw a couples counsellor, who if anything, did more harm than good to our relationship. She just used to take our money, and sit there playing emotional russsian roulette with us… We used to literally dread each session, and walk away like loaded, cocked guns at the end of each session!

      After about 12 sessions and £500 down the toilet; we called it a day-and told her we were ‘cured’. This lady has structured the therapy around a course of six sessions and at first I was doubtful, but honestly I feel so confident that she’ll have given me the means to work through my own issues in a more empowered way by the end of it.

      Good luck with your anxiety treatment, let me know how it goes-perhaps you would come back to this post and reply to this thread so that other people could follow your story too?


      • Hi Partner,

        Yes that is a good idea! Well to give you an update I have seen a doctor this evening and feel like a huge weight has been lifted! He was very good and actually took a lot of time to listen to me rather than making me feel like I was being a drama queen. He said that anxiety is very common along with the feelings I have been having – I actually thought I was going insane at one point this weekend but he reassured me that I wasn’t ready for a mental ward just yet! He suggested the options of a tablet treatment or talking to a councillor. I said that I did not want to take tablets as I did not want to mask the problem I’d rather tackle it – he said that this was not always the case, certain drugs DO simply mask but others help rebalance the chemicals in the brain and can help whilst waiting on a long list for a councillor. I declined at this point but have got some beta blockers to take if I have an attack. I have set the wheels in motion to see a therapist – I explained that this had not worked in the past so he has therefore referred me to another programme more specific to my anxiety – I may have to wait a few months but it will be worth it in the end! I will certainly keep you updated and I think it is great to offer each other support.

        I hope you are feeling a bit better it sounds like you had a horrible time of it last night, lack of sleep makes any problem seem 100 times worse and the lonley night time is also a bad place to be. If it happens again hopefully these posts will give you some comfort. Thanks again for being brave enough to write – you have really helped me today.

        • Thanks for your message Debs. I hope the therapy that you have been referred to helps as it really can make all the difference. I had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – which was actually transformational for me – it really helped me to tackle those anxious thoughts that fuel anxiety and panic. All the best with it x

          • Hi Jem,

            Im intrigued! What was involved in your Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and what made you get it? How was it so transformational?

      • Oh Debs, that’s great!

        I’m really glad that you’ve taken the first step. I know there is a bit of a wait for the counselling with the NHS, but if you’ve lived with the problem for all of these years, a few more months will be worth the wait.

        It’s fantastic that you have been referred to a specialist too. Fingers crossed that he/she is as good for you as mine seems to be

  4. Ahhhh isn’t it amazing how common this problem is. I’ve battled with anxiety for the last 6 years of my life, after having panic attacks whilst travelling in Australia in my gap year. I have used medication and CBT to help me to overcome it, but whilst I don’t have panic attacks anymore, I do still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis. It really is awful and I completely sympathise and feel for anyone who has experienced this.

    Partner I think you are doing exactly the right thing by tackling this head on and I commend you for talking about this in a public space. It’s really quite hard to believe that therapies such as counselling do have negative connotations – I think if anything you are being more brave, more pro-active, resourceful and demonstrating more strength of character by getting professional help.

    What is it that scares you so much about your BF going on trips? Do you worry about infidelity? Do you worry about his safety? I am only interested because I know my BF will be flying soon – and with my tendency to worry I know I am going to be scared that something will happen to him. When he was doing his PPL and CPL and IR and all that gubbins I used to get so so anxious if he was late from a lesson. My heart would be pounding, I would sweat, I would get an upset stomach… I used to check local news websites to make sure there hadn’t been a plane crash and I even called up his flying school once. (Ashamed face)

    Anyway I’m glad you have found a good therapist – this is vital and I’m sure you will make very good progress as you seem to have the right attitude to tackling your feelings.

    • Hi Jem,

      You’re right! I’m pretty shocked at how many responses I’va head already!

      My anxiety is complex. Part of it is about being lonely, part of it is night anxiety that I never lost after I separated with my ex husband.

      3 years into my current relationship when I fell pregnant with Baby, my ex used to threaten to burn our cars if Bf’s car was home with me. I feel safe when Bf is here I feel calm, but when I’m alone in the dead of night I prefer to stay up into the late hours with the lights on, so that it’s obvious to anyone outside that I’m awake.

      Naturally a large part of my negativity arises out of jealousy and resentment. Jealousy over the lovely places he gets to go to, the escapism from all of our responsibilities and resentment along these lines too.

      I naturally dislike the thought of other women trying to seduce him, as he has already experienced in the past. I do know that he would never risk my trust a second time, but in the dead of night I don’t think rationally, so my imagination runs wild.

      I also worry about him being mugged or attacked in some of the places he visits. He once fell asleep in his room with the door open! It was a poverty stricken country with a massively high crime rate, and he wanders around wearing a watch worth several thousand pounds and I worry that he’s a crime magnet.

      Once I had such a severe panic about this that I rang the local police where he was. He’d lost his mobile phone, but I was going insane with worry!

      Surprisingly I never worry about plane crashes or air accidents and such.

      • Ahhh well hopefully once my OH starts flying I won’t worry about those kind of things either. He is always saying how it’s the safest form of transport… yada yada yada…

        I can’t believe your BF’s clumsiness – losing his phone, leaving his door open, no wonder you worry! We learn from our mistakes though – I’m sure he will take the lessons he has learnt on board and behave more safely in future.

    • Hi Jem

      Yes it is very suprising how common the problem is sometimes you can feel like the only person in the world that feels that way and you long to be “normal”

      It really is amazing what the mind can do both good and bad!


  5. Dear all, I am very sensitive to other people’s pain and sorrow and I really feel for you all. I lived in several countries and saying goodbye to people is something I never got used to, even though I could handle not to cry anymore. I can understand that if your bf is leaving so often and stays away quite long it makes you feel lost. Especially when you have small children, it is a period in life that you need all support; it is not as easy as it looks. Most of all it is quite a responsibility and you do need to be together to face that. If you also work, than it is even heavier. I live alone with my 2 kids and my new pilot bf has no idea what it is like. Just a while ago I was close to a burn out. I was in the supermarket and could hardly breath, I could not stand on my legs anymore. I dragged myself out and got into the car and drove home. Then bf called. It was soon over. But I know that if he would show a bit more understanding and give more attention, this would never have happened. So in spite of the coaching sessions. I think the guys can do a lot more, just by giving you what you need and than more. Of course you are responsible for yourself as well. But there is a limit for everybody. Most people who are suffering from these kind of things are not the weakest ones, because those ask for help, those always find a way to make other people do everything for them. It is usually the stronger people who just cross their own limits. And I think, partners of pilots are among those, because they really have no choice but to be strong. For me meditation helps quite a lot. It helps me to realise that he is not the only one in the world. That in the first place, my life is mine and whoever I meet in my life, should have respect for it, and for me. So, if a man loves you, pilot or not, he wants you to be happy and he should do everything to reassure you, and tell you that he loves you… and act accordingly. That would take away fear, anxiety, sense of loss. It is so simple.
    Is there really no family support in aviation? How weird…

    • Thanks for that pilot’s very patient gf,

      I know that we get private medical insurance, but I haven’t looked into whether I can gain access to counselling therapy through this. Maybe it’s an avenue I should explore.

      I know of at least one airline that has a family support network-but how instrumental the airline actually was in creating this I am not sure, plus I think it now exists on Facebook instead?

      I really feel that there should be more support for pilot families. Pilots get so much support and literature through their airlines and unions. Yet, I’m sure that our emotional wealfare has as much impact on them as it does on us?!

      I find it really quite strange that the only obvious support networks that exist for us seem to exist via the Internet set up by innovative pilot SOs.

      I really sympathise with the single parent thing. When Bf and I met I was also a single mother of 2, and when I was pregnant with Baby, that’s when my panic attack’s happened. The thought of an unplanned pregnancy and the uncertainty of increasing my burden with an additional child was a major stressor.

      How did you get into meditation? I’m interested as I have never really looked into it before. I have done a few yoga classes and often feel slightly odd when it comes to chanting.

      I’ve asked Bf to get some additional therapy to help him with his emotional barriers to step parenthood. He is willing, but our income prohibits it at the moment. He refuses to get a doctors referral because he’s concerned about how this will reflect on the pilot’s holy grail (those ever important medical records).

  6. Sorry to hijack here Partner – couple of points I wanted to comment on:

    I didn’t start taking anxiety mediciation until I was about 33 years old. I didn’t deal with my father’s passing and am really good at supressing my feelings, therefore not ever having a healthy outlet to express my emotions. I take a very low dose of Lexapro and it has been a God send!! It’s more of a mood “stabilizer” as opposed to treating depression and other anxiety symptoms. Depression has such a wide definition.

    I had to find counseling through my insurance as J was never going to pursue compensation through his insurance. He was sure the company would peg him as some sort of nut instead of a man wanting to take care of personal issues. And to some degree he is right, we agreed to keep it private.

    We are all so lucky to have each other. It’s amazing how we have all managed to find each other in some way. This is our “aviation support system.”

    Partner has always been a very honest and open blogger. A lot can be learned from ALL of her experiences and is a great person to discuss your issues privately with.

    If anyone wants to discuss the medication with me privately, please feel free to contact me via my blog.

    • Ahh, Cpt J’s Wife,

      Never feel like you’re hijacking! I actually think that’s the unique beauty of the blogging medium and other web 2.0 media; that we CAN all have a dialogue and not just read a one way stream of information coming from one person! My blog would be far less interesting and rewarding without everyone elses input!

      I am genuinely touched by your comment too. Especially as I happen to regard you as one of the most up front, honest open bloggers I follow.

      I had my third counselling session today, and she gave me a CD for ‘Mindfulness Meditation Practice’ and also took my email address as I asked her for some good book recommendations.

      She’s told me that I probably over analysed my emotional response the other night, and that meditating mindfully is about recognising your emotional responses and reacting to them in a non-judgemental way rather than being hijacked by them: “moment to moment non-judgemental awareness.” She said that when we we are mindful we are choosing presence over automatic pilot.

      It makes sense. I am a very emotional person, both a good thing and a bad thing for me. I have a tendency to get caught up in my emotional responses, and I need to learn how to unhook myself.

      I’m going to listen to the CD when I get the kids to bed, and finish working.

      I want to try this route before I consider the possibility of medication. My doctor, like Deb’s did suggest a course of medication during the wait time I had, but I declined, as I was convinced that she was attempting to mask my issues with the stereotypical depression pills (still am, as I was a snotty mess in a flood of tears when I visited her).

      She asked me if I thought I night be depressed (in a REALLY patronising tone), and I said “No I don’t-at least not clinically depressed! I AM very upset though!” I told her that because I knew exactly what the stimuli for my emotional distress was; that I wanted to actively tackle the root cause, not wander around in a drug induced, emotionally muted haze whilst they worked their way around to addressing me properly!

      Like you say ‘depression’ is a widely used term that gets loosely banded around by people (as does ‘love’ in my opinion). I even heard a teenager tell her friend earlier that she was ‘so depressed’ that she couldn’t go out on Friday! The term has been diluted and vague.

      You’re right about the support network too! I am so deeply touched by all of the support, comments and friends I have made this way. As little as five years ago, when Bf and I were still in the early stages of our relationship, nothing like the current support networks existed! I know Jetgirls did exist back then, but I didn’t even discover that until about 20 months ago!

      Goodness knows how pilot SOs coped back in the days before the Internet, cheap international calls and mobile phones! I think I’d need to be locked up in a straight jacket without you guys by now!

  7. Oh hunny….i am sooo sorry that you have been feeling this way! I have had days lately that are roller coaster out of control, so i know how very hard and emotionally draining it can be! It is so hard sometimes to add the pilots lifestyle into the mix of the already emotional journey of a relationship! I really wish i was there to give you a big giant hug, as i know that both of us would benefit from it! You are a strong, brave, independent woman and you can do this (that is what i tell myself every day and sometimes it helps)!

    Hang in there girl!

  8. What a wonderful thread (even though it’s not a great topic), but it seems to be very cathartic for many of these women to share their experiences and support others in their hard times.

    I’m so sorry you have had these ups and downs, I can definitely empathise with you! We all have our reasons for why we have anxiety/depression/fear/etc. and even though they may be different reasons, it still means we can understand and support one another. Thanks to you all for sharing! I hope the counseling really helps each and every one of you.

    • Thanks Elsja, It’s been one of the few pleasant surprises to me recently: how open, supportive and honest people are on-line, and particularly on my blog and in the pilot SO groups I frequent.

  9. I’m so glad that I’ve got all you ladies to support me too. If I’m having a hard time, and want someone to listen…so many of you have been willing. It’s a tough wifestyle, but we’re good at supporting each other.

  10. Partner of a Pilot, I have been reading your postings for a while… and this one is especially nice because (as many have said) its nice to see I’m not alone.

    I actually moved to the UK for my pilot and have found it incredibly emotionally debilitating at times. I have always been a very independent and confident person… but I never expected it to be so difficult and emotionally draining to be with someone like this. However, I realized the other day that what I REALLY needed was to just make contact with other wives/girlfriends of long-haul pilots… as I truly don’t think anyone else can understand our situation unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Are there any social groups you know of in the UK for women like us? It would be nice to get together over a couple glasses of wine and just chat. Specifically, I’m up near Manchester, but I am so near my wits end I think I’d travel quite far for a nice chat with another one of “us” 😉

  11. Hi Partner of a Pilot- Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. At after midnight when I am feeling a bit vulnerable, resentful and envious about my hubbie’s pilot lifestyle I googled pilot wives and found your blog. It is nice to know that we are not alone. I am wondering how your mindfulness practice is going? My hubby and I are seeing a counsellor together currently due to his recent indiscretion and what had become evident as a lack of connection in our relationship (17 yrs together- 10 married, 2 boys- 5yo and 8yo, me with a very stressful, highly responsible part time career, which is the total opposite to his work that can just be left and forgotten about until his next trip. Thus him feeling neglected.) Our counsellor has suggested mindfulness and I am really interested in it – but I think I need to be following a guided CD to stick with it. We are committed to getting through this – though it has happened before many yrs ago- so it is really hard to feel ok when he is away on overnights. I don’t get the more severe anxiety you experience which must be dreadful but I definitely over analyse things. He is such a great husband in all other ways and his efforts in counselling show me he does not want to repeat his behaviour – but the trust is so hard to recover. I’ll start to read more of your blog and catch up with your news- hope all is well. Thanks again.

    • I am doing very well with my mindfulness aus pilot partner. I found the book that my counsellor recommended to be excellent and it came with a cd too.

  12. I wanted to add to this thead again as an update. I have started to see a new counsellor who actually works as the university counsellor where I am completing my last year of my degree. As partner said straight away I connected with this one (she is the 4th councellor I have seen and the only one I have connected with) she really seems to care about the problem and similar to the way partner described about ‘hijacking’. (which she termed as an automatic response thought) it has has helped me to see it as a force that I need to fight against as opposed to it being what defines me. I have recently had panic attacks whilst driving, which have been quite disabling but I am starting to learn about the way in which my fear works.. I automatically jump to the worst conclusion about situations and become absorbed by the fear. I hope that everybody who has left a comment on this post is doing well and it would be great to hear any updates. Debs x x

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