Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

Long-haul resentment

I have really struggled this month with all of Bf’s coming and going, and the building work at the very most invasive stage. We had the knock through carried out upstairs, and for a period, we had a doorway into the new room above the garage (that as yet still has no garage door) with only limited floor boards, and make shift boards down to cover any gaps. A cold draft has been blowing through the house. Not ideal, and certainly not warm!

I finally reached boiling point and let off steam at Bf about how frustrated I was. He was never the subject of my rant, just the ears at which I vented! I should be able to do that with my partner, right? Except that, rather than comforting me or giving me a big hug; he told me that I was a spoiled brat! Cheers darling.  This led to my telling him I absolutely had a right to my frustrations-he was about to swan off to South America to bask in the warm sunshine and I was stuck here with a house that felt Baltic and a temperamental central heating system!

I’ve been somewhat distant from Bf this month. I can’t quite put my finger on why. I think I’m just struggling to deal with his coming and going and being away for longer than usual. He’s had absolutely no short haul at all, and it feels weird. I feel really resentful when he swans in with a deep dark tan and expects life to suddenly revolve around him and his needs again. I just get on with things when he’s not here, and then he gets home for a few days and just expects life to fall into place around his routine again like flicking a switch.

Add to that the fact that he has been pampered and pandered to in a 5* hotel for the past week, and his expectations don’t necessarily flick like a switch back to normal. I cook him lovely meals from scratch, and take him cups of tea in bed without much thanks, and he has barely lifted a finger to help in return around the house. He has apparently forgotten that we don’t have a dishwasher, that the kitchen and bathroom don’t self-clean and that the hoover needs to be pushed around by someone.

He seems to think that changing nappies and bathing our daughter are the sum total of help I need.  I wouldn’t mind so much if he had a job where he worked himself to exhaustion whist he was away, but he lies on a beach, lives a life of total leisure, dines in nice restaurants and works for a sum total of about 26 hours over a week, whilst sat on his arse doing something he loves.  He gets paid to go on holiday, then comes home and doesn’t bat an eyelid as he watches me do everything, whilst also trying to work, cook, clean, etc. Then says he can’t take me out to a restaurant for a meal because we can’t afford it (building work). I want to scream when he says that-knowing he ate in a restaurant every night for the last week!

Right now, he’s out in the garden, bent over one of his stupid radio controlled helicopters, displaying major builders cleavage to me. I feel like taking a picture, hacking into his Facebook account, and posting it as his profile picture with the tag ‘lazy bum’.

Argh! Rant over.  I will have words with him. I know he’ll get it if I talk calmly to him-I’ve just been too annoyed to do that. He only got back yesterday, and he’s off again on Monday for a week. I’m sick of his bloody roster.

24 Responses to “Long-haul resentment”

  1. I’ve missed your posts recently Partner, you must have been neck deep in all this house stuff that is going on. My sympathies!

    It must be so difficult when he swans in all tanned and doesn’t appreciate how much it takes for you to hold up the fort. It concerns me a bit that it will take you to have to have a calm talk with him to make him understand – would he not realise of his own accord how difficult you are finding things?

    Reading posts like this make me think ah maybe I’ll go and take out several eye-wateringly massive loans and become a pilot too, then we can both just cruise the globe on some kind of constant working holiday!

    • Yes Jem, I highly recommend the pilot route for you… You’ll live with your head in the clouds just like he can that way! Lol…

      As I’ve said to Nicole below, he has started to pull his finger out of his arse now, and is about to start painting the kitchen, and has started (FINALLY0 seriously calling plumbers, etc to get this project moving so that we’re not left in such chaos!

      We just also went out for a bike ride and he took us out for lunch-so I’m feeling much less resentful now. I’m going to the gym tonight to burn off some of my pent up energy and frustration! … Shame my gym don’t do boxing classes!

      Actually I’d like to take up karate again. I used to be very good at that, I’d got to 3rd kyu (3 stages below black belt)

  2. Sorry he’s been such a “spastic nerfbag” (one of Taylor’s favorite insults from our favorite movie, Better off Dead) I am incredibly fortunate that Taylor IS willling to help with much of the cooking, cleaning, and household duties. I wish all women were this lucky. I hope you can come up with a way to help him realize how much his behaviour and treatment of you affect your happiness.

    Maybe it will take a lazy bum picture on FB?!? 🙂

    • Like that insult, maybe I’ll tag him ‘Spastic Nerfball’ instead. Normally he is much better, but I think that he’s just become way too used to luxury, and has forgotten what it’s like to be a mere mortal like us this month.

      That said, he’s just about to start painting the kitchen and he just took Baby and I out for a bike ride and took us out for lunch-so I’m feeling less resentful now 🙂

  3. Hello darling – sounds like your not the spoiled brat here. 😉

    • Ahh, thank you Cpt J’s Wife… You do make me feel a little better… He told me that I sounded like a spoiled brat because I wasn’t appreciating what I DO have. He reminded me of the poor, starving people in Africa.

      Hard to justify your own worries and frustrations when someone uses the starving of Africa against you!

      Except that I do feel like I appreciate the good things in my life-but we all need to vent sometimes… Don’t we?!

  4. There must be something in the air. I just had it out with the man last night about him not lifting a finger to help… I was all bent out of shape because I asked him to break down a pile of boxes for recycling and had the audacity to ask him for a specific “when will it be done?”… The nerve of me! It’s not like I save EVERY chore for when he’s home, but still. It’s his house too and I expect him to help out while he’s home… He seems to forget that…

  5. *hugs*
    The Pilot and I don’t live together, but I do understand where you’re coming from. I have to remind myself that he does actually “work,” even though most times I’d kill tto have a schedule like his. So much better than sitting at a desk 9-5. Since he switched planes I know it has been much more work for him, and when he comes home after six days of flying to four different cities each day he is quite obviously exhausted. But he used to fly out, spend 36 hours in whatever city, and then fly back and be off for four days, and THAT would hack me off. I could just imagine how ticked I’d be if that time was spent in the tropics!

    • Thank you Delightfuleccentric, that’s exactly what we’re talking about here. He’s away for 5 days in the Caribbean next week 😦

      If he comes home expecting 5* waitress service, I may just lop off his manhood

  6. Hi! I can relate to some of these things, feeling like you’re working all hours god sends my SO will often be home all day & the house is an absolute mess!! I have the same thoughts – he works far less hours than I do and even when working does something he loves anyway – I sometimes wonder how he would cope with a ‘normal’ job, I really don’t think he could! Ok for some is what I say?!! Sign me up for the pilot training i’m with you all on that!!!

    • Hi Debs-Yes, lets all become pilots! Lol. I feel much better today. Bf looked after Baby whilst I cycled to the gym for a work out! I feel much much more positive as a result!

  7. Yes, I decided the same thing today. If I want to get into the picture of my dear pilot, who is also learning for instructor, I shall just have to take lessons (with him as instructor). I can’t wait. I am just going to do it. It will be fun to make him work 😉

    • GOOD FOR YOU Pilot’s very patient gf. I wish I could! Lol! Bf doesn’t have an instructor’s rating, so he’s only ever given me unofficial lessons!

  8. Hi partner, I can relate to this. It hapened last week, I was so exhausted but soldiered on. So much to do and had no help. Got caught in the rain during one of my running around and caught the flu, he was away for 3 weeks and he managed to squeeze a fishing trip in between!
    I lashed out at him.. I just lose it. I mean, you go away and have a good time and expect everything to be fine and dandy when you get home. We made up, I said some nasty things but he knew I was just fed-up.
    There are good days and bad days…just one of those things I guess. We talked about it and he’s been very helpful and attentive so we’re good for now! : ) Cheer up girl.

    • I’ve cheered up a lot now Hour Glass, thank you for sharing your experience too-it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one who gets times like this!

  9. Oh honey! I know how hard this is and I completely feel your pain. I do not understand what it is like with Children, I can only imagine the added pressure it puts on this type of situation.
    My life feels normal when my SO is away, when he is back is when it is weird and that freaks me out on a regular basis.
    Hang in there chick, you are a strong

    • Ahh thank you so much May! I actually find it easier looking after and cleaning up after 3 children than 1 pilot! Haha! At least people expect there to be toys strewn on the floor when the toddler is awake.

      It might sound mad but I actually feel embarrassed when the woren and builders come in and there are half unpacked suitcases in the dining area, flight case open by his pc, and his crap strewn all over every available surface!

      At lea t I can just scoop up all Baby’s toys and throw them into the toybox. Bf hates me to organise his chaos, as he see’s his chaos as organised anyway grrrrr

  10. The word pilot and chaos should not go together. Mine is driving me nuts with his planning, it’s causing chaos in my life and I am always patiently trying to adapt my schedule. But I will soon have my own planning and when I am gone for a long time I WILL NOT SMS NOR PHONE EITHER CHERI and bf can contact this blog under the name desperate bf of female pilot.

  11. I entered here by accident, but got caught up in your story…and can say from guys point of view, that you are way too nice with him! … If you continue to pamper him when he gets home, he will not get that you have needs too. Do like this, tell him in calm manner that this situation is no good, the house needs fixing, and that you are tired of his cheap ass behaviour (notice behavior, because it’s something you can change, if you accuse someones personaltity, it’s more likely to have the opposite effect). And if you don’t see any change in the next month, you will dump him..and stick to that promise!.. I’ll guarantee he will come crawling…not a fun way to fix a situation, but he sounds like he needs a “rude awakening” –just my two cents

    • Thanks for your comment swedish guy. I’m not sure that threatening to leave if he doesn’t keep house is that productive since we have a child together.

      We had words and he did get his butt into gear a little before he left for this trip.

      He has always been a little tardy with tidiness; although he will always fix anything in the house (not necessarily with the same urgency as I have in mind, but nobody’s perfect).

      Thanks for your two cents though! Pop buy any time-it’s ALWAYS nice to have a guy’s opinion 🙂

  12. Oh dear… this is what I DREAD. BF and I are so happy now and I love his schedule. He’s home every day and he helps around the house and everything is great. However, I KNOW he is going to get into long haul soon (well, hopefully… or maybe not hopefully… I can’t decide). I just worry that everything will change once he starts long haul. I tell him I worry and he gets annoyed- because I’m worrying and stressing about something that hasn’t happened yet.

    If he could make long haul money doing his current regional work- I would be SO happy. The only saving grace is that when he does fly LH, he’ll HOPEFULLY be flying to LA a lot and the airline hotel is actually based in newport beach which is about 15 minutes away from where I’m from. So, with any luck- I can just hop on his flights with him from time to time when he does fly there.

    Oh and having kids… that’s another major stress. Luckily we don’t have any yet and I’m praying that he’ll be over the long haul by the time we start trying. Just depends on this hiring freeze at the moment.

  13. Tack so mycket Swedish guy, but that only helps in Sweden where men are forced by law to help their women and so are used to help because every other male has to do it as well.

    • pilot’s very patient gf

      If you want to you can click the reply option underneath Swedish guy’s comment to reply direct-that way he’ll get a notification of your response, and the comments stay in a coherent stream.

      Is that true btw: that ‘men are forced by law to help their women and so are used to help because every other male has to do it as well’ ?!

      If it is, I’m going to suggest that we move to Sweden! HAHAHA

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