Skype is a gift from God in a ‘pilot relationship’!
Well, today wasn’t too bad. I didn’t even attempt to go to bed until about 3:30am, whenBf Skype’d me after he got back from eating. I had taken my laptop up to bed with me and we talked on web-cam for about twenty minutes. He suggested I go to sleep, as he knew how late it was, but I just didn’t want to end the ‘call’. We’d never done it before, but I asked if he’d mind sleeping with the Skype call on… I wouldn’t be able to see him with the lights off, but I wanted to just hear him breathing and stuff, like I do when he’s home.
He told me it was a ‘gay suggestion’, which translates to ‘that’s actually kind of sweet, but I’m a man and I can’t possibly admit to it’. He indulged my request and climbed into bed with his laptop on his hotel bedside table, and I had mine on my bedside table… I could hear him coughing periodically, and breathing; and a warm feeling crept slowly over me as I felt like he wasn’t quite so far away from me after all… Yes it’s soppy; but it was exactly what I needed right when I missed him so much-and I love him for going with the idea even though it was a bit girlie!
I really appreciate modern technology. I’m not sure I’d have been made of strong enough stuff to cope with a ‘pilot relationship’ before the existence of mobile phones, laptops, the Internet, and web-cams! The digital age certainly does make the whole thing more bearable!
Today we Skype’d, and he was fooling around as he changed for dinner (like yesterday) to make me giggle. My friend was IM’ing me on Facebook in the background on another screen. She was one of the very first other pilot wives I met, as her husband trained with Bf abroad, and we occasionally bumped into one another when visiting our pilots in their ‘cadet pilot digs’ in their training days.
As he jumped in the shower, I told my friend what a dork he was being! She was cracking up, and she hatched a cunning and devious prank to play on him, and embarrass as soon as he was out and started fooling around again… She Skype’d him a PM saying:
“Stop flapping your willy around!”
Bf’s face was an absolute picture of horror and disbelief as he dropped (almost) below my line of vision shouting “S-H-I-I-I-T !!!!!”
I could just see his nose and eyes as he read her message up close in dismayed shock! He honestly thought she’d been able to see him goofing around shamelessly with his wedding tackle out!
I roared with laughter, and then the penny dropped and he said “Were you messaging her?” I came clean, and fessed up! Thankfully, he thought it was hilarious! I am still chuckling periodically even now-I wish I’d been able to record his reaction for posterity!
It reminded me of that scene in American Pie, right after ‘Jim’ realises that his entire school watched him prancing around for ‘Nadia’
Partner of a Pilot 
We need to try skype. What a funny prank! I was laughing out loud as I was reading your post! ‘gay suggestion’ is is exactly something my DH would say. Hilarious!
Rachel - February 4, 2009 at 5:10 am |
My BF flaps his willy around too… calls it a whirlybird. 🙂
Skype is a godsend.
elsja - February 6, 2009 at 10:00 am |
Elsja I laughed so hard when I read that comment! LOVE IT! Men never grow up do they?
Partner of a Pilot - February 6, 2009 at 10:41 am |
Skype is the ONLY way to keep in touch without going to the poor house. My pilot hubby does international longhaul and is gone roughly 15 days a month (thank God for seniority). We actually shot a tv spot for Skype shortly after they got started (selected because I responded to a questionaire) to this day we can easily be on Skype for hours on end. As for DH “dancing” and shaking bits, he does that too (don’t they all?). Love your blog by the way, so much so that I piunched the Westlife “Home” video for my own blog: http://flybywife.blogspot.com Ciao! Bella
Bella - February 9, 2009 at 11:47 pm |
Hi Bella, nice to have you on board, glad you like the blog, and enjoyed the song/video as much as I did 🙂
Partner of a Pilot - February 10, 2009 at 1:31 pm |
Please someone tell me how this works with Skype. Two things:
One is that mine husband also does international, BUT most hotels he is at (I would say 1/2 or more), want him to pay to access the internet (so much per hour), and it is not included in his stay. I know this for sure. I even saw this on some of his trips with him. So, don’t you need internet for Skype?
Second: I also hear that Skype attracts lots of sleezy people soliciting you etc…which entices men into trouble? I ask because I am now dealing with DH last year watching porn etc.. on layovers and setting up sex dating profiles. This hurt and I am still getting over it and marriage hanging by a thread. So, basically we have no way to keep in touch. Please let me know.
thanks, carrie
Carrie - February 15, 2009 at 5:18 am |
If you both download Skype onto your computers and have a webcam you can video call for free; although the quality isn’t always dependable.
You CAN get some people abusing it, but both Bf and I have adjusted our privacy settings so that random people we don’t know cannot message us.
I don’t understand why your pilot cannot give you the number for his hotel, and you can use an international telephone discount company to call him via an access code (google it-there are tons of them). He can give you a time to ring you and it will cost you cents.
The no-cell reception thing, in my opinion is bullshit. Bf flies all over the Caribbean, and many countries in the far east and has even sub-chartered to India before… He has never ever had an issue with being able to text me, although sometimes reception isn’t the best for calling.
Partner of a Pilot - February 15, 2009 at 7:02 pm |
Yes, BUT what I am saying is is that after we download Skype, doesn’t he have to have internet access to video call me? Doesn’t he have to log into the hotel internet system? That is what I am saying….they (the hotel), will then charge him. We have Sprint cell phones and they do not cover us international or texting in ALL countires, and where they do, it is $2.49 a minute.
I do call him at his hotel, but due to marriage issues, and me having to figure out exactly when to call (he goes to eat, he hasn’t landed, he’s in the shower, he’s sleeping…) you name it. I told him to tell ME before he leaves what is the best time for me to call, and he never does get around to telling me. I have even called and these people at the front desks sometimes don’t understand enough english that is takes me sometimes more than one call or several minutes for them to understand who I am asking for. I even got a wrong room one time and woke up a pilot. AND, sometimes for me it is in the middle of the night or whatever and the time change makes it hard not to wake up DH, so I keep wanting him to get there, get settled and call me. So please let me know if HE has to have internet access to skype me.
That is the issue. I would assume so?
Carrie - February 15, 2009 at 10:07 pm |
Yes, he would have to have Internet access to use Skype.
It sounds to me like he is not being committed enough to you. We all do the things that we are motivated to do. If he was seriously concerned about your emotional happiness, he would ensure that he didn’t ‘forget’ to give you a time to ring him.
Why can’t he get his own mobile phone too? One that doesn’t belong to Spirit, so that you are not concerned about the cost to the airline.
If he cannot give you basic communication, or meet your needs, then it’s no wonder your marriage is a mess right now. I think you need to give him a wake up call and tell him to shape up, or ship out! He is totally disrespecting you, and just reading about how he is treating you is making my blood boil!
Bf and I have had our trust issue, but he has done EVERYTHING in his power to reassure me and make things right. Once a month, he gives me his roster, crew manifest list, and hotel accommodation list. When he reaches his destination he texts me so that I know he arrived safely. After he returns from his meal, he texts me, and I either call him in his room, or we Skype if he has a good enough Internet connection to talk about our days and say goodnight.
He told me that if I EVER had a low moment, or needed reassurance, or just to hear his voice, to call him or text him. He has bent over backwards to give me piece of mind.
Where possible, he takes me along on his travels with him; and he always makes a point of introducing me to his work colleagues-many of whom have added me as a friend on social networking sites, though Bf never adds them. In fact, he’s not into the whole social networking thing; but he has no worries about the fact that I may see pictures from his/our trips on their pages.
I think that deep down you have a gut feeling about his integrity, but you are choosing to ignore it because of your love for him, and because you want it to work out.
BUT changes NEED to be made. As a couple, you cannot go on doing the same things every day, yet expect something different from your relationship. If neither of you resolve to work on your relationship issues, then your relationship will continue to be full of mistrust, neglect and unhappiness.
He absolutely HAS to change his attitude and his behaviour, and in turn, you absolutely have to learn to trust him again… Unfortunately, in the interim, you effectively have to hand him ‘trust’ on a plate-and give him enough rope to either prove himself of hang himself with.
If I were you, I would tell him that you are planning to hire a PI, and that you are hiring a honey trap for him… See what his reaction is… Personally I could NOT have a relationship with a man who gave me reason to doubt him, and then neglected to ammend his ways. From what you have told me over the months, he is not changing; which means he is selfish. You have 4 children together, if he doesn’t care enough about you to go the extra mile-then cut yourself loose and get on with your life.
I know it sounds hard, but I did it. I was terrified of how I’d cope, but I did just fine. I discovered a strength in myself that I never knew I had, and my boys were happier. I actually had friends and family say that they watched my older son come out of his shell, and grow in confidence within months!
Partner of a Pilot - February 15, 2009 at 11:03 pm |
HI. Right now I am in tears because he landed in the states yesterday halfway through his international trip for a 24 hour layover. He did call me as soon as he landed, and we talked a bit. OUr agreement at the time was to not talk of our issues, but only to talk about them at the counselor, and to only talk of other things, positive good things etc…when NOT at the counselor. So, we talked a bit, and got off so he could go eat. Later than evening, about two hours later, I had to callh im to ask a question about one of the kdis. WE talked briefly, then got off. I wasn’t feeling well (headache etc..) and he knew that. I was then worried when on the next day how long he would take to call me before leaving the states again.
He also knew I wanted him to call home and speak to each of the kids, to keep in touch. He hardly does this, as when he speaks to me, hardly does he then say “Can I speak to so and so?” So, I told him that it would be good to do it more often. He agreed. Today was his day to leave, but not til tonight about 30 minutes ago. So I knew he would be at his hotel for many hours today.
By 2:20 p.m. today he hadn’t callled anyone in the house. I called him and very nicely and quietly told him that in no way did I want to control his life, nor he mine, but that it hurt that I had to call him so late in the day and see what was up. He got irritated thinking I yet again was telling him another thing he does wrong.
We ended up arguing off and on the phone since 2:30 to 5:30 until he turned off his phone on me after I said something really horrible to him before he took off. I was angry, and I don’t have an excuse but to say that he said mean, sarcastic things to me to spur my anger. His excuse for not calling earlier was that he was doing other things, (phone calls to cancel some epensive subscription, and stock stuff on the internet…things he said he had to do for some deadlines), and that his feeling is that doing these things that are important are FOR the family. I actually told him, that all I was asking for was to be thought of early in his day when he awoke instead of 23 hours after he lands and made the last call to me. Basically, he is in the states and reachable, yet during that time I feel I am waiting by the phone for him to act like he cares to contact his family first in the day rather than LAST. I tell him all this while in tears begging for explanation and all I get is that no matter what order I want him to do his things, he says I will never be happy and find some other reason to compalin etc….
I JUST WANT COMMUNICATION, LOVE, RESPECT I TOLD HIM.
He then just says I am full of it and that had he called me early I would have been upset about something else. I keep telling him no, that TO GIVE ME THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, that I wouldn’t be upset and that to think of me more often would make me happy and make my day.
So we just go round and round. AFter I told him something horrible, (I won’t repeat), I hung up. I then cried and called him back for him only to ignore me til he turned his phone off to push the flight out. Now I won’t speak to him til Tuesday and I am afraid to see him. I can call him tomorrow when he lands, but again IT IS ME CALLING HIM. SHOULD I? i JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Also, it isn’t Spirit, it is SPRINT THAT WE HAVE AND IT IS OUR PERSONAL CELLS.
So, unless he pays the hotel for internet, or we get expensive cell phones, I can only reach him by calling card on my end.
Anyway, I am up to that if he were to say “Honey, here’s the plan: I want to you to call me at this time, at this number and I look forward to hearing from you, I love you.” That’s all I want instead of me leaving wondering if I should make a fool of myself and throw myself at him like an idiot that I feel like.
Why does he make it so hard? Why?
carrie - February 16, 2009 at 2:07 am |
because he’s being a selfish prick. I’m sorry, but even if you said some harsh things-it sounds like they were deserved.
HE should be the one worrying about you, but he isn’t because he KNOWS that you are home stewing over him, worried about what HE’s up to.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is not to be home when he gets back. Take the kids and go and visit your family or a friend, or just go somewhere fun with them. Break his comfort zone of control over you.
Break this cycle of his control. He NEEDS a wake up call. You are the one handing him all the power by allowing him to get away with his crappy treatment.
PLEASE Carrie, for the sake of your sanity, and your children’s, please get some personal space and let him stew. TURN YOUR CELL OFF, and ignore him for a while. Let him wonder and worry about you for a change. Having the boot on the other foot might just make him realise what you are going through.
It’s a crappy way to behave, and it’s crap that you might resort to having to play games, but that’s exactly what he’s doing you… He’s got you on a string, and he’s treating you like a yo-yo just becase he can.
You can’t go on like this
Partner of a Pilot - February 16, 2009 at 2:36 am |
Should I call him when he checks in to the hotel? I think you say not. On Tuesday evening, I have a class til 9 p.m.,, which around when he will arrive home. I thought of going to a movie and returning home late. I can’t take the kids anywhere away too far as they have school. If I stayed at a local family’s home, with the kids, it would be like separating I guess. Many times in all these arguments I “kick him out of the house.” I say “Get out”, etc…and yell at him I am so angry. Then before it actually happens, we end up calming down. And, he usually yells back at me: “I will leave when I am ready.” So, hours or a day goes by while I lock myself in our room to avoid it all and I cry. He will leave me there for hours at a time before saying a word to me. I have no where else to go, so that is why I stay there. I am a loving affectionate, woman. I want that with him and he displaye on the interent how he wanted that with a woman and wanted “WILD PASSIONATE SEX.” He tells me I am beautiful and sexy when we are getting along, and he knows other men find me very attractive. I notice that when I am all pulled together he looks at me as though he knows he would regret losing me. But the minute I open my mouth, no matter what I say, he takes it wrong. I am just trying to communicate what we need to work on. He treats me like I am crazy. What is this man up to? Is he in a midlife crisis and can’t admit it? Is he messing around wiht one night stands? I know there is no one is particular because ALL the signs they say of an affair with one person just aren’t there. Trust me on that. There is no particular woman. But, even to know if he is just not sure of us, and has no feelings for me at all hurts enough.
I agree that I need to scare him, that is why I keep threatening separation. BUT, here’s my problem weather it be insecurity or fear: First of all I love him very much. SEcondly, we have all these years (25) together. And, 4 kids. We have many memories etc…and I sacrificed a career for him to fly. I have known him since I was 18 and I am now 43.
So, I fear seeing him with another woman, younger or some floozy FA, him thinking the grass is greener there etc…and throwing it in my face. And for me to have to look at him coming with some other woman to pick up the kids etc… He threatens to make things tough for me if I move away with the kdis away from our area. I didn’t want to be in our small town if we divorced. I am in love with a man who claims he loves me, stays with me, but shits on me. I just don’t get it. Why is he staying? Is it the kids, is he confused too and can’t hear me? Someone please help even though I know you don’t know him. Sometimes I just want to die, this is so hard.
carrie - February 16, 2009 at 3:07 am |
I forgot to say that if we separated I worry that will be the beginning of the end. He doesn’t seem afraid of that. When I say I want to separate, his answer all the time is: “That is your choice.” Should I just do it?
carrie - February 16, 2009 at 3:09 am |
Forget school for just a few days, take off for just a few days. You’re not separating, and I’m not advising you to separate. I just think you should give him a dose of his own medicine.
Just dissappear off the radar for a little while, and allow him the space to walk a day or two in your shoes.
Being late home because you have a class wont worry him in the slightest.
TRUST me he will panic. It sounds like your pilot is a bit of a control freak, and he will not be able to bear knocking around an empty home full of your family things whilst not having a clue as to your whereabouts!
He is bluffing about his lack of concern about you guys separating, if he isn’t then why are you clinging on to him?
Partner of a Pilot - February 16, 2009 at 3:40 am |
Great article! I’m loving your website;
Serway Jewett - March 12, 2009 at 5:56 pm |