Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

A thief wearing a santa hat stole my Christmas spirit!

Something is not quite right in my world. Not way off, just not quite right-but I can’t put my finger on what… It’s exasperating.  Yesterday, Bf and I put up most of the Christmas decorations; and we saved back some of the tree decorations for the children, to hang.  We played Christmas songs to help create the right ambiance; but it still felt fake… Like a Christmas party that I witnessed in an old people’s home once… Poor sods… The staff had decorated the place with tacky papery decorations, and then sat the poor old senile buggers around a table together.  The residents were all wearing Christmas hats, whilst dribbling pureed turkey down themselves.  One of the old dear’s accused another, with great ferocity, of stealing her husband!  It was one of the most depressing things I have ever witnessed… Which goes to show; you can put a Christmas hat on someone-but that doesn’t automatically make Christmas real.

No, my temperament just isn’t quite as perky as it should be, as it would be normally. I feel like a fraudster; because although we have adorned our house with decorations and Christmas trinkets, and hung festive lights in the windows; I keep thinking about how wasteful they are, how I can’t afford Christmas and how it’s all such hard work! I feel like the ghost of Christmas past; and no matter how much effort I put into banishing this bah-humbug sentiment, and attempt to mask it with phony festive spirit, I still feel bogus because I cannot embrace the preparations with my usual authentic joy and energy. I feel like a bad Xerox photocopy of myself. 

When people ask me how I am, I am responding with the usual cheery “yes, great thanks”; but underneath it all, I can feel myself wanting to recoil from my words shouting “LIAR! LIAR!” My appetite has disappeared, and I cannot sleep at night. I actually went to bed with Bf at 10:30pm yesterday, and I can remember looking at the clock in a very accusatory way when I realised at 2:30am that I was still WIDE awake!  I have never been like this in my life. I truly have so much in my life to be happy about and thankful for. I love my man, I love my children and I love my job.

I have also been seriously hormonal this whole month; feeling stroppy and then irrationally weepy in fickle fits and starts-to the point that soon after my food poisoning, I took a pregnancy test because I couldn’t believe I could be so changeable without just cause!  The test was negative (that’s a good thing by the way, as we’re not planning anything).  But then, at that wedding the other day, I got agonising cramps in my back and tummy, and thought, ironically, that after all the fuss made about my going, that I might have to go and lay in bed instead any way.

Two days later, despite it not being flo’s visiting date, she appeared to have arrived very prematurely.  I guess I am assuming that the test may have previously been wrong… Not any more though.  It’s weird, as it was happening, I felt a deep sense of sadness at the loss of something I wasn’t even sure I had in the first place.  Bf was a star. He was loving and comforting, and took me in his arms and hugged me tight into his chest.  He was probably desperately relieved underneath it all, although, who knows, maybe he also felt a small pang of loss somewhere deep inside him too? 

So here I am, at home, alone (with the children tucked up in bed, fast asleep) with my laptop, looking at the Christmas tree, and waiting for Bf to call when he lands.  He’s not on a long trip this time, just 2 days-which is actually quite tiring when he has to go to the Caribbean and back.  Bloody hell, you must be able to tell I’m not myself!  What do I sound like? I sound like Bf, whinging about how a short trip to a 5 star hotel in the Caribbean is such actually a hardship!   Any way, I can deal with waiting for him to come back… Piece of cake in fact!

Waiting for that Christmas feeling to happen authentically-however?  Hmm. Honestly, I wish I could just be myself-I feel like I am sat in a room where I can see a giant pink elephant out of the corner of my eye, grinning at me, the way you imagine a pervert smiles… Meanwhile, I’m just ignoring it-hoping it is just a figment of my imagination, whilst trying to pretend everything really is exactly the same as usual… (Screw you-giant, pink pervert-grinning elephant!)

Argh, hopefully I’ll stop feeling so rubbish tomorrow. My dad is coming to visit for the day, and we’re going to watch the boys in their school nativity play at the Church.  It felt magical last year… The local church is rather beautiful, and was lit only by candles; the children were full of excitement, and I can remember the warm feeling as I watched my eldest son singing his heart out right to me with his candle clasped tightly between his hands.

I plan to work until the day before Christmas Eve; when we’re going to stay with my parents. They own a beautiful little old house in rural France.  It’s the kind of house that is full of rustic warmth and spirit. My mum always decorates the house with holly and mistletoe cut from their own garden… The beams everywhere cast shadows that dance in the twinkly lights of the tree and the flickering light from the flames in their inglenook fireplace… It is truly a wonderful place to be at Christmas-thoroughly traditional.  We’ve always stuck to traditional Bavarian colours with our decor too; as much as I like the classy modern monotone look-it’s just doesn’t quite capture Christmas for me.  Last year, a friend of mine decorated her tree with white feathers, and as elegant as it was obviously meant to be-I thought it looked downright ridiculous.

Any way, I digress, if my mum and dad’s traditional Christmas, in their quintessentially ‘all-things-Christmas’ home, and her wonderful cooking, and having my family all around me doesn’t crack through this ‘bah-humbug’ armour I appear to have developed; then I’ll eat my head with a spoon!


4 Responses to “A thief wearing a santa hat stole my Christmas spirit!”

  1. Ahh I know what you mean! It’s hard work being a woman!! With the hormones etc! Do you think your sense of loss was because you were deep down thinking you may be pregnant?
    Hope you feel better soon, hopefully the nativity play will help :0)

  2. Thanks Debs, I guess so…? I’m just not sure!

  3. I can understand that! Even if you weren’t really wanting to be

  4. Sounds like you need to sit down at watch White Christmas and The Snowman…. I agree though, it’s hard to get festive the older you get. I’m sure you will though, and the house in France sounds idyllic.

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