Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

Wedding politics, and guest list etiquette-Is THIS Right or Wrong?!


Bf is going to be the best man at a wedding of one of his oldest school chums, this winter.  The couple have only known each other after meeting through speed dating some 20 months or so back, and were engaged within 5 months of dating. Neither of them has been married previously; in fact, according to Bf-this is his first actual ‘proper girlfriend’!

I arranged a very extravagant and expensive, birthday party for Bf last year for a guest list of about 75, as my birthday gift to him… There was a great deal of entertainment laid on, as well as food and drinks-and obviously I invited him-he asked me if he could invite his (at the time) new girlfriend; and I naturally agreed…

Some months back, we arranged to make the 4 hour drive to visit them for one of Bf’s rare and precious weekends off with baby. Wee booked it off especially to visit them-I doubt they realise how honoured this made them. They asked us to come and view the wedding venue they had chosen-neither Bf or I were particularly keen-it was over an hour away, and the weather was awful-but naturally faked enthusiasm and accepted.

After the hour’s car ride to get to this extremely opulent and obviously exorbitantly priced venue. The bride-to-be gushed about how many celebrities had had their weddings here, and said that her father wanted the best for her.  She also talked at length about her sister’s fairytale wedding 6 years ago, and said how much luckier she had been because things were so much cheaper back then.

They said they would only be having around 50 guests, and had booked the wedding on a week-day, off-season, in the least expensive part of the venue to save on the cost. I must admit I felt a little guilty, but rather priveliged to have been invited as Bf’s partner, and ensured that I booked the time off work, and arranged child care for those days and nights well in advance.

She asked if we’d want to book a room in the venue to stay in-but warned us that the cost wou.d be in the region of £300 per night. She wanted to give us first refusal as Bf would be part of the wedding party. I could tell that Bf was uneasy with the cost-that’s a lot of money to us! However, we said that, being as Bf had such an important role on their special day-of course we would pay for a room there for those nights! (yikes!)

They asked Bf not to reveal exact dates or the location of the actual wedding to the stag-do guests, as not all of them would be invited, and they didn’t want wedding-crashers! It seemed odd that these guys were worthy of an invite to his stag-do, but not even an evening invitation to their wedding!  He even said he was avoiding talking about the wedding with some family members, and at work, in case they expected to be invited!

It surprised Bf that his friend would have wanted a wedding of this nature, compromising on having the people who mattered to him there for the sake of a ‘flashy’, pretentious wedding; and from all the stories I’d heard of him, it surprised me too.

I think that because Bf is an airline pilot, and I also have a professional job; that they assume we are loaded (sadly not though) and they were dropping MEGA hints (every time Bf got his camera out to snap a picture) about how they didn’t have a camera, and would ‘really really like to get a good quality camera before their honeymoon’… Not very subtle. Bf was even looking into it as a wedding gift-checking out prices abroad to see if it would be more affordable.

ANYWAY… A few weeks ago, he rang Bf, and said:

“Er, listen mate, we’ve decided that we’re not inviting ANY partners to the wedding. Do you think ‘partner’ will mind?”

Bf said he felt like he’d had the wind taken out of his sails (he will not know ANYONE else at the wedding). Deflated, he said;

“Well, I’m sure she’ll be disappointed, but she’ll probably understand.”

Actually, I am totally gutted. I SO wanted to see Bf in his top hat and tails, making his speech. I wasn’t interested in free-loading, or getting a free lunch/night drinking. I just wanted to see them married, and watch Bf carrying out his special role.

Bf said he finds the whole thing wierd. Who wants to go to a wedding without their partner after all?

I can totally understand ‘no partners’ at the ‘wedding breakfast’ if funds are tight, but surely for the service and evening-do, it doesn’t need to be an issue!?

Actually I feel like people with important roles at weddings should be able to share that honour with their loved one. I wouldn’t expect them to PAY for me-I’d happily pay my way, just so that I could be there.

I feel completely snubbed, annoyed and irritated; and I feel like his wife-to-be is over-materialistic, pretentious and domineering, and is calling ALL the shots at this wedding. She’s obviously turned into a total ‘bridezilla’…

Miffed, I said to Bf,

“Well I hope they won’t still be expecting that we’ll still be shelling out £600 for a hotel room at this ridiculous farce of a wedding, if I’m not even coming!?

He actually said that he’ll tell them where to stick that particular idea if they do; as he’s quite put out too.

I am irritated that I got dragged around their venue, for a whole day; where we bought them lunch, and ‘ooh’d and ahh’d and coo’d over how lovely it would be, and now they’ve pulled this little stunt!

Am I wrong to feel so upset by this? I really do understand it’s THEIR day, but it’s also a BIG DEAL to be the best man-so I feel like it’s very inconsiderate not to allow him a ‘plus one’ to share it with after all the effort that he’s gone to and expense that we’ve gone to for it?!

(PS The brilliant cartoon drawing above is by a guy called Rick Green (green_rick[at]juno.com) that I found on the following this link. He will actually draw custom cartoons for you from a design request-Check out his blog: Organised Doodles)

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12 Responses to “Wedding politics, and guest list etiquette-Is THIS Right or Wrong?!”

  1. I’d imagine the best man would not be someone you’d want feeling unhappy at your wedding. Groom is a very lucky man that Bf is too much of a gentleman to put him to shame in the speech; especially with ALL the dirt he has on this guy!

  2. That’s the weirdest thing I ever heard! Your BF must be so torn and shocked. It sounds like the ‘status’ of the wedding is far more important to the bride than who she shares the day with. I wouldn’t be surprised if your BF will become a much needed shoulder to cry on when his new wife’s shallow antics spill over into other areas of their relationship!

  3. I am with Mandy…that is so strange. I would be so annoyed and put out. You are in no way being unreasonable in your thoughts!
    I am (for the first time in my life) speechless regarding her behaviour! OMFG!!!

  4. This is the first time I’ve heard of “and guest” not being included in the invite, or removed after the fact from the invite. It’s very rude. If it were happening to me, I would feel extremely put out.

  5. OMG! if they had mentioned FROM THE BEGINING that it was no partners… and if they hadn’t dragged you around the venue… and if they hadn’t asked you to get a room… AND if they hadn’t been trying to hint about the camera- it might be ok. But that is MESSED up. How rude!

  6. Wow! That is extremely rude of the bride to even suggest uninviting a guest, especially the best man’s partner. That is appalling. I would feel inclined to give them a camera…a disposable P.O.S. I wish you the best in trying to “Grin and Bear It” in this situation. I hope it all works out for you all and you get re-invited (if that is a word).

  7. In partial fairness, we never received our *actual* ‘invitation’ until recently. They had said they were still deciding on who the final guests would be; but they certainly more than implied we were both invited at the time, and she was talking to us about where ‘we’ wanted to stay-so it was definitely not a rude assumption on our part I don’t think!? Bf’s friend obviously knew it was an akward/rude thing to do-or he wouldn’t have called to ‘explain’.

  8. My doodle looks good on your blog. Enjoy using it and thanks for the link.

    I am curious how you found it, since it comes from a older post of mine.

    I will return to read your post more – as my daughter is getting married in October and I am curious as to what you’re writing about. But very busy at the moment.

    http://www.organizeddoodles.blogspot.com/

  9. Totally echo others thoughts – seems like the show and glitz of the day is overtaking what is actually important in wedding – the people who are there to share your big day. Materialistic streak does not bode well for future!

    I would also be really annoyed. I went to a friends wedding a few weeks ago and although my OH like most men wasn’t overly excited about going to a wedding – he was really excited about seeing me in my bridesmaid dress walking down the aisle etc. It was really important for him to be there to see that and be proud and take pictures etc.

    Can totally sympathise hun. Hope she changes her mind, but then I don’t imagine if you do go that you will really enjoy being part of something that is all about the £ and showing off?

  10. […] a farce! I am officially fuc*!ed off! If you never read the post  “Wedding politics, and guest list etiquette-Is THIS Right or Wrong?!”,  you might want to, or else this will not make ANY […]

  11. Bloody cheek! No present either I say. Real friends wouldn’t do that. How they can go back on their word and expect you to ‘understand’ is outrageous. RANT AWAY!!!! Tell bf to throw brown rice at the wedding! And spill red wine on her dress!!!

  12. Any significance to throwing ‘brown’ rice at them? I’m thinking about throwing the curry too


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