Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

The old ones are the best… Qantas Safety Report Log

I have received this by email many times, and it never fails to make me laugh.  I am not sure if this is in fact true. I have my doubts, but I would love to believe it was…

So, the story goes that Qantas airline pilots fill out a form called a “Gripe Sheet”, which lists any maintenance issues/problems with the aircraft… The maintenance engineers correct these problems and document the repairs in a log that is kept inside the aircraft.

These are some of the problems submitted by Qantas pilots, and the answers provided by the maintenance engineers.

Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Mechanic: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Mechanic: Something tightened in cockpit.Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Mechanic: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Mechanic: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Mechanic: Evidence removed.Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Mechanic: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Mechanic: That’s what they’re for.
Pilot: I.F.F. inoperative in O.F.F. mode.
Mechanic: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Mechanic: Suspect you’re right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Mechanic: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Mechanic: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right & be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Mechanic: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Mechanic: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Mechanic: Took hammer away from midget.


 Qantas are well known to have one of the best safety maintenance records by the way.


6 Responses to “The old ones are the best… Qantas Safety Report Log”

  1. I just have to say that 2 weeks ago my boyfriend told me that his FO friend was flying with a captain and the captain kept reporting that there was a smell in the cockpit. Well, the FO knew exactly where the smell was coming from (if you know what I mean) but wouldn’t own up to it so the poor captain kept just wondering where the smell was coming from. At the end of the shift, the captain wrote in the maintenance log book “cockpit smells.” And yes, they work for a Qantas owned airline 🙂 So now the poor maintenance guys have to search around the cockpit for this “mysterious” smell that will clearly be completely gone once the FO exits the plane!

  2. That is hysterical! Love it!! I’m going to share that with Bf!

  3. Elsja that is funny.
    I have never read that e-mail before, that is hilarious!! I must show this blog entry to my other half, he would very much appreciate it!

  4. Hahahaha you would think he would have just owned up! Never really thought about this issue before, wonder if this is something that many pilots struggle with…

  5. I asked Bf about this problem before, and he said as long as it doesn’t smell, you’re safe, because with the noise in the cockpit, and the fact that they have to wear headsets-you never get heard!

    Once he was trapped in the cockpit with a Captain who had a real ‘problem’ that day. Instead of being abashed about it, he stood up and made a point of it. He even barred Bf’s exit from the cockpit at one point so that he couldn’t escape the smell!

    When Bf recounted the story to me; he thought it highly amusing. I think he quite ‘enjoyed’ the Captain’s company even! Me never grow up do they?

    The hosties must have turned green when they came in with food and drinks! It’s bad enough being trapped in a lift for a few seconds when that happens! LOL

  6. Heehee would have thought this would be a much better way to deal with it!

    I bet they’re not allowed to take air freshener due to health and safety. Although what about the risk of them passing out due to the gas / smell ?!

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