Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

I like children… But I couldn’t eat a whole one.


My sons , like any other children their age, love to have friends home for ‘sleep-overs’. Bf though, is not into little people belonging to other people; so I tend to indulge their sleep-over requests when he is on a long-haul trip away. This week was the first time that the younger boy has had a friend over for the night (he is just 5).  I decided to let each of them invite a friend, so that neither of them was ‘left out’. I looked like the pied-piper walking home from school with four boys between 5 and 9 and the pushchair with Baby in it.

Tho other mums at the park thought I must be bonkers, but I generally find the boys are more occupied when they have friends over and are not really any bother at all… GENERALLY…

After ‘tiring them out’ at the park (in my dreams), we went home. The younger guest is quite intelligent and articulate for his age. He bombarded me with verbal diarrhea dialogue for the entire walk, nobody else could get a word in edge ways! Constant crap chat about how his parents were buying him some toy because they had eaten all of his Easter egg whilst he was asleep… It was quite sweet at first, but it slowly managed to wear thin, until he was really rubbing my last raw nerve the wrong way… I managed to zone out, and say yes occasionally through a glued on smile.

When we got home, the kids all rushed up to the boys room to play, but the young guest decided he preferred grown up company and haunted me instead. It was the first ever sleep over he has done-and I know his mother was quite anxious about it; so I tolerated it in the hope that he would settle quickly before joining in with the others.  He announced to me in the delightfully but brutally honest way that children do, that

“Your house is quite small… But your garden is HUGE!” (quite funny actually-his mum cringed when she heard).

me “yes it is, but it won’t be soon; we’re building more rooms onto the house like your parents did”.

He wandered out of the kitchen still talking, I thought maybe he was starting to feel more comfortable and was going to join the others upstairs. However, the voice stayed disappointingly close. I went out to investigate. He was in Bf’s leather recliner chair, something our boys do not go near; as it is a child-free zone. In his hand was a crystal cube into which I’d had a clear 3D photo (of baby at about 6 months old) laser-etched for Bf’s birthday.  I ensured my tone was gentle, despite wanting to screech at him!

“Oh, don’t touch that sweetie! It’s very fragile and cannot be replaced if it gets broken! …Why don’t you go upstairs and play with the others, it’s quite boring down here-don’t you think?” (PLEASE GO UPSTAIRS!?)

He wandered over to Baby’s basket of toys and started having a rummage… “I tell you what… I think you’d have much more fun with the boys, listen to them!”  Finally, he trotted off to play.

Supper time is always a pain in the arse joy with their friends. We have always given the children a wide range of grown-up meals and ensured that they eat a wide variety of fresh fruit and vegetables, but I nearly always find that other people’s children are pandered to by their parents-and allowed to refuse vegetables because the child ‘doesn’t like them’. The oldest child used to say this, but we’ve never allowed them not to eat something for this reason; and actually they love pretty much everything now!

When I have children ‘over for tea’. They have to eat what they are given, because I don’t want the boys to see other children being allowed to refuse healthy food.  I try to do my homework and find out what the child doesn’t like first, but with two guests, it’s quite hard to satisfy both. I tend to try and make a compromise between junk and healthy food. I’ll try to make food fun by chopping up lots of raw vegetables, and making pizza bases up-then allowing them to make their own pizzas. It normally works a treat, but both guest children were fussy. One wouldn’t eat mushrooms and onions; the other didn’t like any vegetables. I insisted that he have some, and appealed to his desire to be an artist when he grows upwhat kind of artist wouldn’t use all these colours to decorate a pizza? Chefs are artists too-and they use lots of ingredients to make their food perfect!”

Child who wont eat vegetables

He loaded up his pizza with an assortment of goodies; but when it came to eating them, he thought I might not notice if he scraped them into a mushy pile, and squashed them into a lump, ‘hidden’ by his fork (rather like an elephant trying to hide behind a lamp post).  I sat there and fed the squishy pulp to him under pain of no dessert. He gagged and feigned sickness, but managed to eat nearly all of it.

After some more play time, I got them to change for bed and read Horrid Henry to them before settling them all down. (Ya Rrrrright!)

  • 8:30pm – In bed having a story.
  • 9:00pm – I tell them to ‘go to sleep’  
  • 9:45ish – Same again (More firmly)
  • 10:30pm – I tell them I am starting to get angry. They start ‘telling tales’ about who’s fault it is…
  • 11:30pm“GO TO SLEEP!!! I NEED TO SLEEP!” 
  • 12:30am – I resort to threatening them… “Next one to talk is sleeping in the travel cot in the hall way!”
  • 1:00am – Boys FINALLY asleep (At least I’d have a lie in though… Right? … WRONG!) 
  • 2:30am – Baby decided to wake up and have a cry 
  • 3:45am – Bf rang me to say goodnight
  • 3:55am4:30am Couldn’t sleep…
  • 6:30am – BOYS WOKE UP!!!!
  • 6:40am – Boys making as much noise as physically able
  • 6:41am– I am evil, demonic, scary woman looking like the living dead whilst sounding like Regan from the Exorcist telling them to ‘be quiet’ whilst I try to get more sleep!
  • 6:42am– Oldest son, informs me, somewhat disappointed, that the tooth fairy didn’t visit to pay him last night…
  • 6:43am – I am seriously considering child-abuse (joke)
  • 6:44am – I inform them that whilst they might not require sleep, the tooth fairy and I obviously do… I am going back to bed, and they MUST not wake me again. 
  • 7:30am – Baby wakes up (I give up)!
  • 9:40am– Young Guest’s mum arrives. Young guest thanks me for having him (after prompting) and says he’d love to come again some time for a sleep-over (HA! over my very dead body!)

So here I am, feeling haggard and half dead. I am resolved NEVER to do another sleep-over involving children under 7! EVER AGAIN! I’m adopting Bf’s attitude towards other people’s children from now on-I like them… But I couldn’t eat a whole one!

tongue-in-cheek representation (Demon Child movie video)

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2 Responses to “I like children… But I couldn’t eat a whole one.”

  1. Ha ha ha!

  2. Lol that was such a funny read….you poor thing! (Brave though)!


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