Partner of a Pilot
The Candid Diary of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend

Reminiscing about the roller-coaster of feelings I had about how I’d cope with the life of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend/Wife before he was qualified.

Well, Bf has just sent me a text to say that he is on his way home now. I’ll get him back at about 3pm tomorrow. WOO HOO! Another long-haul trip out of the way and behind us.

I’ve been speaking to a few friends I’ve met online recently. Their boyfriends are just in the process of training for their CPLs (Commercial Pilots Licence). I was talking to them about my experience of being in a relationship with someone who did it.

I have to admit, it has been a complete roller-coaster. I honestly wouldn’t want to turn back the clock, and re-live it all given the chance. I know that it probably sounds really awful of me to say that, but I remember so well the angst and uncertainty I felt about: how I’d cope when he was really an airline pilot, and my insecurities about how our relationship would weather the test of time in the aviation industry.

I can honestly say, that overall, my experiences have not been nearly as hard as I imagined, though, at the same time, his career lifestyle has on occasions, caused me immeasurable pain too.

I would not be with him now, if he were not worth the effort, pain and sacrifices that I have had to make; but I just would not go back and repeat the time all over again. It’s a case of ‘been there, done it, and worn the T-shirt’.  Of course there are some nice perks to the lifestyle too, though not enough to base the worthiness of an intimate relationship with a pilot on.

I want only to look forward. I didn’t say this to them, because to be honest, they don’t want or need to hear it. If they are meant to be together, then their relationships will withstand everything that aviation throws at them (which it will, of that you can be completely certain: Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, weekends, will never be taken for granted again).  I know a pilot wife who’s husband almost missed the birth of his first child because she went into labour 3 weeks early when he was on a trip! It certainly isn’t an easy life, as some of my friends (outside the industry)seem to imagine.  I have had girlfriends ask me to set them up with any eligible pilot friends Bf has; but to be honest, I would not, because I could not knowingly inflict this on somebody going into it with their eyes closed. It’s different when you fall in love with someone and it happens to be what they do, or want to do…

Would I change his career if I could? …Tough call.

I love that it makes him happy. He eats, breathes and lives for flying, and in that respect, I could not ever wish to take it away from him without changing him into someone that I wouldn’t recognise or love so passionately. However, given the chance, if I could transplant that same enthusiasm and satisfaction from the aviation industry to something that’s not so consuming of our personal lives-YES, absolutely… In a heart beat.

I listened to one of these girls talking to me of her fears about long-haul, cheap flings with Flight Attendants, and time apart whilst he’s in a distant country hours-building; of missing time together whilst he’s doing exams, and of the massive financial burden that training will bear on them. All of it smacked of deja-vous.

Of course, I was able to reassure her that Flight Attendants aren’t all irresistibly stunning supermodels, and that long-haul isn’t the demon you perceive it to be from a distance, and that eventually, the cost wont be an issue, and the training separation will end. I certainly suggested that she leave herself commitment free enough to be able to take advantage of the long-haul lifestyle WITH him if she had the chance.

She said that her boyfriend only intends to do short-haul. She was so comforted by this, as was I, when Bf originally had the same plans. I’m not sure whether I’m simply jaded by my own experiences, but I thought that she was naive to assume that he wouldn’t grab the opportunity to do some longhaul given half a chance.

I’ve yet to meet a pilot that doesn’t want to trot the globe, and I’ve yet to meet a shorthaul pilot that doesn’t yearn to do some long-haul; fly the bigger planes and ‘get it out of their system’.

Every short-haul pilot I’ve talked to seems to view short-haul flying as a stepping stone, and budget airlines as the pre-curser to a ‘career-airline’ almost as though they were hours building within the industry to achieve their ultimate goal of the prestige flag carriers, and wide-bodied jets.

I know that ultimately, Bf thinks he sees long-haul as something he’ll get out of his system; but I’m not so sure. For the time being at least, he has the luxury of being able to do a mix of short, medium and long-haul with his 757/767 type rating, but if he had to make a choice, one or the other (short or long haul); I think that the lower work-load, the opportunity to fly the bigger jets, and the perk of lying on a beach in the winter are just too irresistibly. The boredom of flying in the cruise, and jet-lag are the pay offs, but not enough to put him off I don’t think.

Honestly, I doubt that given his current work lifestyle, he would ever actively choose to opt out of the long-haul work.

I am actually okay with this, though I’d never admit it to Bf, but had you told me this years ago, I would have needed therapy! I think that adjusting to these things over time, have been key to my acceptance as I could not have emotionally prepared myself to deal with the thought of him being a long-haul pilot without having experienced what I have along the way.

My heart is with these girls and anyone else who is going through all of the emotions and angst about it, but it does eventually get better with time. You find your coping mechanisms as a couple.

I still get my very wobbly days, but they seem to get less frequent, and less intense. I’m hoping that eventually it’ll be water off a duck’s back, but to be honest, I think it depends on your man. I know wives of First Officers who implicitly trust their husbands. The thing they seem to have in common is partners who do not get involved in the less desirable aspects of socialising with crew and alcohol.

On the flip side I know wives of Captains who have had years to acclimatise to the industry, who are jaded by the negative things they’ve seen and heard first hand; that still seek out methods of checking up on their partners to gain reassurance of fidelity and trustworthiness. By contrast, these seem to be the wives of pilots who enjoy the social aspect of having a drink, and going out after work.

I even heard about about a time where one of these partner’s saw a photograph on a flight attendant’s My Space page, of this girl kissing a pilot who happened to be the husband of a friend of hers! I never cease to be amazed at the stupidity and recklessness of men who have the nerve to do this, and the brazen and callous behaviour of the ‘other women’ who indulge them.

I am unsure as yet, whether I will completely overcome my own insecurities and trust issues, or which side of this divide I will sit. For now, I am experiencing long-haul living, and evaluating my feelings and his behaviour each day as it comes.

Only time will tell, but I have learned that there are a lot of partners and wives who aren’t completely honest about their feelings in open forums. Many gloss over their insecurities and are trying to kid themselves with their casual remarks about how relaxed they are and how fantastically they cope. It’s taken me time to work this out, but I finally realised that this is normal for most, even if it’s just once in a while on their down days. We all have them.

If you gained anything from this post, you might also enjoy these posts:

How can you trust a Pilot and accept his chosen career? …You really can you know!

The Pilot Personality

How to avoid falling down negative (emotional) Pilot Wife/girlfriend rabbit holes…


53 Responses to “Reminiscing about the roller-coaster of feelings I had about how I’d cope with the life of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend/Wife before he was qualified.”

  1. I have to say, this has helped me more than you can imagine. SO and I have only been together for a few months, and he is changing from the corporate side to the airlines, so I know it will be a change for us and our relationship. Thanks so much for the advice!!

  2. Thanks for writing about the life of the airline pilot. My husband, X, is a corporate pilot and sometimes yearns for a life as an airline pilot. I guess there are ups and downs in all types of aviation careers. I have experience as a military pilot wife and a corporate pilot wife.

    Today is one of my “down days”. I miss my husband more today than usual because of the holiday season. We will be spending another Christmas away from our parents and siblings and I am homesick. X comes home tomorrow and has to take off Christmas Day in the afternoon. I have moved 7 times in the last 7 years that we have been married and I have yet to make a friend that I can share the good, bad and the ugly with over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. I have friends here but not a close friend. I am a stay-at-home mom of three great kids. I have lots to be thankful for in life yet I sit here on my pity pot. On my down days, I am jealous of the excitement in Xs job. I am jealous of his dinners out while I am eating macaroni and cheese with the kids. Usually on my down days, I end up getting in an argument with X on the phone and hanging up on him. Then, my insecurities get the best of me wondering if he did have affair, would it be my fault for being a jealous wife who is no longer the vivacious vixen I once was years ago. Being a pilot’s wife isn’t glamorous, it is hard. The main question I see in most of these blogs on aviation wives/girlfriends/partners is: Is it worth it? The answer for me is, “X is worth it”. I love the man.

  3. I find it so refreshing how you speak with such honesty.
    I gloss over my insecurities when I talk to strangers but I never gloss over how difficult being with a pilot makes my life – I think even the most naive of people can tell it is not an easy life to live.
    Your blog is so honest and full of intelligent insight that makes me laugh but also makes me very thoughtful about my own situation. It is overall hugely comforting! x

  4. thank you so much for writing this page, it is so nice to know that someone is going through the same as me, my boyfriend is doing short haul just now. He was unsure about long haul, but now he really wants to do it, i feel devastated and he will probably need to move country. He keeps on trying to talk me into it, thinking i will move with him, but what life will i have if he is travelling the world and i have to live somewhere where i dont know anyone? i also have low self esteem, i cant bare the thought of the “party” lifestyle. The ironic thing is that im an air hostess myself!! i havent yet told my boyfriend any of this, he has 2-3 years before he builds up flying hours to do long haul. Its hard to keep smiling because it is always at the back of my mind. Right now im not sure what to do, do i tell him how i feel? we have only been together 11 months, is it too soon to question his career? xx

  5. My fiance is a F/O in an airline too and we are about to get married. These are the exact feelings I have about his job. We live together and I hate being alone, hate worrying about whether he has an affair or not, hate not being able to even plan the weekend, saying the same sentence to your friends again and again “Let me look at X’s schedule then I will let you know”. No matter how much I trust him I always have that fear deep in my heart. And these feelings…can only be understood by another pilot’s partner…

  6. My boyfriends an airline host…he gets nearlly no time off and has to serve 8 weeks on local flights in Australia for 8 weeks leaving us with webcam and email to talk. We havn’t been together that long – but I have fallen for him, and I think he has fallen for me too…although I am his first boyfriend so I am not sure how long we will last anyway…

    But does it get easier? I have suggested him change his contract to try and help us see each other more…and he to see his family more…

    Anyone got words of advice?

  7. Hi there,

    It does get easier with time. You will learn to deal with the irregular times more easily, and he will learn to prioritize you more effectively.

    Him changing airlines may work, although he would likely still spend time away. I never thought I’d be strong enough to deal with this lifestyle at the start of our relationship; but time and love seem to help you learn! Good luck, and stay in touch 🙂

  8. It’s very enlightening to read how other partners of pilots have to deal with the constant pain and insecurity of dealing with your partner being away and surrounded by constant temptation. I swap almost daily between thinking ‘all is ok, he loves me’ to ‘i’m being a mug, it’s inevitably giong to fail’. I guess it depends on your man, unfortunately mine is one of the ones who loves to get drunk and socialise with the crew. A recipe for disaster in my eyes. I takes an incredible amount of faith and trust to be with a pilot – and if I’d known what it would be like I would have run a mile.

  9. It’s okay that he likes those things as long as you can go too occasionally, and that he doesn’t get totally hammered when away without you-if you’re not okay with that.

    Bf likes to party occasionally, but not at the expense of his family or career.

    You’ll find your coping mechanisms and boundaries together as a couple. You’ll both have to make compromises as you make your way along the steep learning curve of a relationship within the aviation industry.

    It is hard, and it takes a special person to put up with and trust someone in this industry. That said, like every industry, there are a few a-holes out there who should be avoided like the plague! They are the ones that tarnish the whole industry with their shady behaviour and morals (lack of).

    Every walk of life has people like this, this industry just offers them more opportunities and scope to indulge it. Hopefully you know deep down whether your man is morally sound or not. If your gut says he’s genuine, but you think he needs to curb the behaviour that could lead to him making mistakes he’d regret, talk to him.

    Pilots can be guilty of arrogance that leads them to think they’re above making stupid mistakes… This is naivity. They think they will be able to avoid making mistakes simply because they dont mean to do so… That is not always the case where alcohol is concerner though (as us mere mortals know LOL).

    I’m sure he’ll get to grips with it, and get over himself if you open up the communication.. GOOD LUCK

  10. My husband is an airline pilot. I have trust issues. I am lonely a lot. We have 4 kids and I have lots of trouble (as Jen said above), getting through my days and weeks. I feel like the door mat left at home to hold up the fort just because we have kids, not because we are a couple. I love him very much, so much it hurts that at times I do think it is NOT worth the pain, so I cotemplate leaving him. I worry about affairs, the one night stand kind, where there is no way to know or find out. I recently found out he was watching internet porn, so that made me feel so unloved and wanted. He says that’s all he did and wouldn’t do it anymore even though he thinks there is nothing wrong with it. Yeah right. I am not that stupid. He claims most hotels don’t have internet where they send him, so I never get emails. He goes international, so I only get a call when he lands back in the U.S. days later. You’d think he would get a calling card or something after 9 years of this. Do I think he loves me? No.

  11. Perhaps he is honest about not doing anything more… To be honest I think most men, and a lot of women watch porn… It doesn’t mean that they are cheating, and men in particular often don’t realise that it might even be viewed as a betrayal by their partner.

    Not that I am excusing his behaviour. If it deeply offends you, then he is right to say he will not watch it again… However, maybe you could try experimenting with watching some together-maybe it might spice things up for him and re-capture some of the lost excitement?

    I guess if you wanted to look at the brighter side, you could be pleased that he wasn’t chatting online to another woman or watching her on webcam, or cheating on you?

    I think that the whole not calling you whilst he is away thing is crap though. Yes, he could get a calling card-OR, even better, give you the landline number of his hotel and room number by text, and let you know by text when he’s available to chat (that’s what Bf and I do). I have found a great company online that alow me to make international calls from my landline at home at a fraction of the cost… I didn’t even need to switch providers, I called them on a business rate number (084- in the UK) and they route the call through for me at a few pennies per minute!!!

    If you feel unhappy-then it’s best to take control of the situation rather than feeling powerless. Don’t sit at home waiting for him to call! YOU make the call to him! It would probably work out better than cards any way. He’d probably end up with trillions of part used cards in his wallet or something.

    It sounds like he’s not making enough effort (and to be honest, maybe you could both do with making a little more effort-we’re all guilty of letting standards slip over time). So talk to him, tell him how you feel-but don’t expect him to make all the effort, or come up with all the solutions, you are a couple-that means partnership, which implies that you have to work as a team.

    Offer constructive solutions, and be open to suggestions. If he still makes no effort, then maybe it’s time to put your own needs and the needs of your kids first!

  12. I think you need internet on your phone and for your cell phone to work overseas to text me etc… and his phone doesn’t work after he leaves the country. Getting an international cell phone is expensive. I stay at home and 4 kids after he has had lots of pay cuts makes things tight, we have a big mortgage. So, I have to watch our monthly expenses, that is why I wanted him to get some kind of international number he can call or whatever to reach me at home. I spoke to him last night after my first blog, (he was in the states), and I told him I found a site that has such a thing (for him to call me from overseas at a low rate etc…and not have to carry a card etc..) and he seemed VERY reluctant to do it. I ask if he was and he admitted: “Oh , I think you would start some crap about getting angry because I didn’t call you everyday or something.” I told him no, that to keep communication open atleast 75% of the time would be great, that we are a couple and a team and to think he can close the doors after he leaves is damaging to the marriage. I am so hurt that he basically wants to not feel obligated to call me. He then mentioned a service to use that required internet. I said “Wait, didn’t you say most hotels they send you too don’t have internet?” He said “Yeah, but now I have changed home bases and maybe it has changed.” I thought yeah right, all of a sudden the internet may work now. I told him that I didn’t want that service because I didn’t want him to say “OH I didn’t call because their interent was down or my computer wasn’t workig etc…” I said I wanted a service using a landline that made sure we could speak, without me having to worry. Then he started to act reluctant and that spoke volumes to me. This is a man who says he loves me? Come on, I feel so unwanted. That to me is so cruel to make me feel like I am not a part of his life unless he lands on U.S. soil. Please let me know your link to the company you use for calls. I also sometimes have to call the airline to get his hotel number. Then, if they don’t speak english, you would not believe sometimes how many times I have to say my husbands name to get his room. I waste so much time trying to get through to these people. And, it is a hit or miss weather he has landed after 8-10 hours and has gotten something to eat, and then is available for me in his room for me to catch him there to talk to him. See? It would be so much easier if he traveled, got settled in, looked at the time zone to see if I was awake or not, then called me when he was ready and rested. I have no idea if he is in his room and sometimes I waste money calling to find out he is not there yet. Why is he doing this? I told him that maybe I wouldn’t be such a nag or upset if I could be happier in that we have more communications when I need to speak to him weather it be good or bad days we are having at home. He doesn’t like it when I call to give bad news or if I need talking to. We have had stress at home with the kids at times that has escalated to where I have had times where I can’t cope and I need to speak with him. They are his kids too and just because he leaves, doesn’t make all these troubles go away. He has to realize that the more I am able to speak with him, talk about everyday events, the more we connect. Also, if we can’t talk, he then comes home and we hardly have time to catch up. I spend countless hours competing wih the kids and everyone else to get his attention for something I needed to say 5-6 days earlier. Understand? I then have to wait 24 hours after he is home to get rested and able to listen. Then sometimes he is only home 2-3 days, then it starts all over again turning into almost 10 days worth of “Gotta tell him this or that, all kinds of notes, papers, whatever for when he comes home.” We have a lot going on a home with our new house, contractors, etc…so there is lots to do, tell, remember etc…He chooses to stay out of the loop when he wants, and I am left in the loop, no choices etc…I would trust and respect him more if he would just realize that we are a family, not one just because he leaves the country. I told him that things I have done, (hey says i have dumped on him before on the phone or nagged or compalined etc…) I would be better at if he put forth his effort. Not wanting to communicate when he is gone just makes me resentful. Ugh. I am so frustrated. Getting a divorce would crush me and the kids. I do think he may be too, but he doesn’t realize how much. Financially it would be devastating and I told him I would move away from our town just to save face and start anew. That would be hard on my kids, very, because of schools etc….but the whole ordeal would be horrible. I want this to work, and this is a man who used to me very senstive and thoughtful, he isn’t anymore, he is just sarcastic and cold. He’ll take the sex though when he wants it, and it is good, but outside the bedroom he treats me like I am not even around. I will be talking to him and he just gets distracted by anything or anyone and I have to constantly repeat myself. I start to think I just don’t get his attention anymore. To get his attention I actually have to not say much, then he asks what’s up or asks if I am ok. WTF? Seriously, I love him more than I know, and I just want some attention and for him to care about me, for who I am, what I am and to make me feel like I am his soulmate and everything to him. Wouldn’t that be nice? I then think that ok, maybe there isn’t a particular woman,but that he has one night stands etc…on his trips and uses the internet etc..and I am just the side kick. I have no evidence of cheating, really except his lack of attention for me and not wanting to call me when he is out of the country. WEll, I hope you all can help me. I am so desperate to resolve these feelings. I can’t sand the nightmares of watching him with someone else, or seeing him yell at me telling me “I am leaving you, for her.” It is scary and something I just couldn’t handle. I couldn’t handle him with some younger chick taking him away after 24 years of together. (I sacrificed a career and am raising 4 kids while he got his career going all these years as a pilot). I met him when he was 20, me 18. So I have been a big support etc…so for another woman to just step in is why I would have to go far away and hide to start a new life. I couldn’t stay in our town with his and my family etc…Anyway, thanks for listening….

  13. Oh Carrie, you poor thing… I am not always an expert when when it comes to doing things right all the time, so this may be like the blind leading the blind-but here goes:

    I think you’ve worked yourself up into a bit of a state. First thing’s first-breathe! He is being selfish, but I think many men might react the same way after the ranting you are doing (though I’d be ranting too if Bf never made the effort to have a conversation with me whilst away).

    His cell phone SHOULD work for texting whilst abroad without Internet access-it’s normally only picture (multi media messages that require Internet). At least that’s the way it is in the UK. Check with the network yourself rather than relying on him-he may be working on an incorrect assumption, or his phone may be faulty.

    Try to refrain from ‘nagging’ him (I hate that word) for a while, and focus on the good things that he DOES do right. Make him see that you appreciate these things. It sounds like he works better with positive reinforcement rather than constant reminding of the things he does wrong.

    I think it’s really important that you ensure he looks forward to your time together when he is home-or the rot will set in, and the relationship will be doomed. It’s not just important for him, but for you too.

    It sounds like you’ve let being a mum dominate your identity, and lost yourself in the process. So many couples do it-it’s easy to get sucked into the day-to-day routine of life, then forget to actually live life in the process!

    I suggest ‘date nights’. Get a friend or neighbour to watch your kids, and go out… It doesn’t have to be expensive resstaurants, you could go for a night walk at the beach or go to a bar and just have a few drinks… Whatever it is, make some effort for each other-apply some make up, wear a pretty dress, wear your hair differently, whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself… Likewise for him (without the make up hopefully! 😉 Lol)

    Once you can start communicating without the friction, I guarantee he’ll be more open to suggestions… Try to put yourself in his shoes… You have got used to being selfish, and being somewhat neglectful when you’re away, and you’re constantly getting an earbashing… You know you’re a selfish pratt, but it doesn’t make you warm to your wife to hear it all the time…

    If you genuinely want this to work; and I should have a good think about that first (why do you love him? Do you love him-or are you just stuck in a habitual relationship? These are not intended as loaded questions, but knowing yourself will help you to focus on your goals).

    Be proactive. You have given yourself the role of a victim, but you need to take control of your life and be responsible for your own happiness-with or without him. If he isn’t calling you, do the homework on the best ways to speak, give him a reason to WANT to speak to you whilst he’s away, try not to give him reasons to want to avoid speaking with you, and finally, if he cant text to tell you when he’ll be back in his room ad-hoc; agree a mutually convenient time when he can make himself available in his room to converse with you, and you ring him…

    Communication is the key here. It sounds like you’re not speaking the same language as one another-so try to empathise with each other more (I know it’s easier said than done). Ask him straight out if he is true to you, and if he WANTS this to work! If he does, then he needs to work on things more.

    Neither of you can go on doing the same thing every day-and then expect something different. If you want to have a better relationship, then you’ll both need to make changes.

  14. I think Partner of a Pilot is so right here Carrie.
    I have read the past few posts and I really do feel for you…he is not being fair with regards to the calling home. You are right to feel unloved and uncherished. I get the same when I feel that my other half is not calling as much as I think he should.
    When my partner goes away he actually cannot call or text me (military so in a warzone) so I have had to find ways to make myself feel loved and cherished (granted with kids that might be rather hard) by going to the gym so I feel good about myself, by reading books, taking a class. Doing these things make me feel good therefore making me feel empowered and I then feel that ‘why the hell wouldn’t a guy want me’…granted it does not always work and there are dark nights when I do cry and feel sad but it is always worth a try!!
    The ‘date night’ idea is a very good one. We have one every month even when things are going well and we are seeing each other every night…it is still easy to forget why you are with each other and what it is about each other that makes you happy.
    Your life currently seems dominated by children and his job…and this will not change therefore you need to sit him down…sod the fact he has been away…he is as part of the family as anybody. You need to really structure what you are going to say so that you do not get upset or irrate as this could make him close up.
    If he does not make the effort in that way and he continually makes you feel this way then something has to give.
    Good luck,xxx

  15. Hi. I wanted to leave a blog before I go out of town tomorrow for a few days. I have to go with my husband to check out a college for our son. Unfortunately, today while my husband was on his way home from a trip, I found an email offering him to upgrade some membership to a sex site. I opened it, went to his account and found a profile he had written on himself with all his stats and him looking for someone else. I confronted him and he denied it only to admit it hours later. He said he denied it (this was by phone), before he got home thinking I would leave him. I knew that before he told me (why he denied it). I am so hurt he lied to me and earlier once when I aske if he was just looking at pics and not actively searching. He says he did this profile about a year ago when he was mad at me and never acted on anything. Even if that is true, I am so hurt that he had such thoughts. I am devastated. I can’t sleep, I am such a mess. And my thoughts of untrust turned out to be for a reason. I am not unattractive, atleast my friends tell me so. Now what kind of sex life are we going to have for goodness sake? How do I sleep with my husband now? He did a doosy this time. I just want to go and die right now. I truly have begun to hate myself. I fail at being a mom, now a wife and hardly have friends because I have no time to make them or keep them. I wanted to thank you all for your replies so soon because I needed to see someone reply quickly to just keep me going. My stomach hurts, my heart hurts, I just want to run somewhere and never come back. To truly feel like your spouse doesn’t love you hurts so much. It almost hurts as much as the fullterm stillborn I had 13 years ago. That was tops. That was a different hurt, but the pain was bad. I am sorry for all the ranting, I just have no one to talk to who has time for me. Everyone is so busy and I just talk their ear off and my husband sure isn’t the one to talk to. Gee, when life sucks, it sucks. It is so hard to find a way to pull yourself up. I don’t believe his reason of making the profile because he was angry at me he said a while back. That is baloney. Who does that? He said what kind of woman he was looking for, for them to contact him, he had all his stats on there, even his zodiac sign for crying out loud. What a liar. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be someone to do that to me one day. I just want to know that there is the possibility out there that a man can love a woman and think she is the best thing ever, and idolize her and just talk about her like she is the most wonderful thing. I want that. If I could never have that, I just feel lost. I guess I am old fashioned. I don’t believe in all those lesbian couple things, threesomes, nasty stuff. I just want my solid rock family. The traditional marriage with all the trimmings. The husband who gazes at his wife because he thinks she looks pretty that day. I try to. I don’t let myself go. I may be overwhelmed with chores and get behind, but I try. Well, it is late, I have to pack. I will try to reply while gone,using his infamous lap top that he claims never has internet in hotels he goes to, yet it seems to for all this porn and sex stuff. So just wonderful for me. Yeah, I think I am having a pitty party. Thanks for all your help.

  16. Before I respond to Carrie can I just say a big thank you to ParnerofaPilot for starting this blog. It’s so brilliant to finally find some people who REALLY know what you’re talking about. XX

    Carrie – you must feel like you’ve been hit by a sledge hammer. I know exactlt how you feel because I’ve discovered similar things on my BF’s computer. The fact is he’s in another country with internet, bored and lonely with nothing to stop him looking at whatever he wants. I know when I confronted my BF about it he felt incredibly guilty and begged me not to leave him, which was my first reaction. That was about 2 years ago, and I have to be honest, I still live with the lack of trust every day and I don’t know why I do it.

    The thing is I love my BF to pieces, as you love your husband, and I know that the person I fell in love with is warm and sensitive and can make me feel like the most beautiful cherished woman on the planet. Then there is the ‘pilot’ side of him, with all the selfishness and arrogance that goes with it. For 2 weeks of every month he does what ever he wants, which probably includes god knows what on the internet, then he comes home for 2 weeks and I’m resentful and I can’t help it.

    He does however make an effort to keep in touch with me when he is away. We use Skype alot, which is internet based. It means you can either chat or talk to each other for free. You have an icon on your computer that tells you if the other person is online, so yo will know when his laptop is on. Now that his secret is out and he no longer has to hide the fact that he has access to the internet I would insist that he sets this up if he wants to make the relationship work.

    I do feel for you, if your love for each other is strong enough you will get through this but you have to let him know that he has reached the end of the line now. You can’t let someone make you feel unnattractive or unwanted – you deserve to be happy. Is he sorry for doing this to you? Has he deleted the profile and promised not to sign up for things again? You won’t realistically be able to stop him looking at porn – but loads of people do that anyway. But signing up for stuff and chatting to other women is completely out of order.

    I think you firstly need to have a really good talk with your husband and find out if you both want the same thing. If you do, then you need to take control, as Partnerofapilot says, and get yourself back to ‘you’ in your head. Forget about what he is doing and concentrate on looking after you and your babies. And I wouldn’t keep chasing him on the phone when he is away either. Let him come to you and try to fill your time up with fun things, however hard that might feel at the moment.

    You’re not on your own Carrie, what he’s done is very very common and not the end of the world unless you say it is – keep your chin up . xx

  17. Well, obviously he has crossed a line. I can understand that you are in pieces, because although physically things may not have happened, mentally they have…

    For whatever reason, none of which would be acceptable, he has set up a profile on a sex site! Can I ask, was it actually to find another partner, or casual sex?

    Neither is acceptable of course, but it would be worse to me if he was actually looking to connect emotionally with someone else… He obviously regrets what has happened-but if you want to work things out-you’d need to get to the bottom of WHY he is doing it-or you’ll never be able to start building that trust again.

    Bf and I have had a few trust issues in the past; bnot quite like yours in fairness, but we were able to work through them, by communicating effectively, setting a few temporary ground rules to give me piece of mind-whilst we were re-building the trust, and by him giving me all of the reassurances I wanted and needed at the time. We attended counselling to resolve some wider issues as well as the trust one (mainly his coming to terms with the fact that I come as a ready made family).

    The thing is, we’re all human, we all make mistakes… But it’s how we handle the bumps in the road that define the strength of our relationships. It’s easy to tell someone to walk away from a spouse who has acted in a mistrustful way, much harder to do, especially if you have 24 years of marriage and 4 children invested in one another. If I was sat at home worried that Bf might cheat on me or betray me on the Internet-I could not be in this relationship.

    Trust is the essential foundation of any relationship-but is PARTICULARLY important in relationships with pilots, because they spend a great deal of time away from home. I have to reiterate though, that I do not think this is a ‘pilot trait’, and it is not fair to tarnish all pilots with the same brush. However, if a pilot is a cheater, he will have 10 times more opportunity to cheat, so it is absolutely vital that your husband makes an extra effort to make ammends, re-earn your trust, and prove his integrity.He has attacked the foundations of your marriage, and needs to re-earn your trust if you decide to give him a second chance. It will be a tough road for both of you.

    That said, there are things you can do to alleviate your fears-whilst you’re rebuilding trust. If he is REALLY sorry-then he will do anything do re-earn your trust. Including being COMPLETELY honest about any other indiscretions that may have occurred already-might as well get everything out in the open now if you are going to try to wipe the slate clean… Whilst you do need to talk about this, and get to the bottom of it, if you intend to forgive him, and give your relationship another go, you will have to try to get past it, and not keep bringing it up all the time-obviously this will take some time though.

    It’s a bit extreme, but you could put some spy software on his computer… It captures all of the things he’s doing online, so that he cannot have any dirty hidden secrets… If it were me, and I felt a need to do this, then personally I would tell him I was going to do it, no point hiding it-as he has given you every reason to doubt his integrity now… Plus, if he’s got nothing else to hide-he won’t have any reason to object-will he!?

    I just looked this up on google:

    “Generally, spy software is a surveillance tool which allows you to secretly monitor and record user’s activities on computer, and it is completely legal. ‘007 spy Software’ is a perfect one. With this easy to use spy software, you will be able to see exactly what your spouse has been doing online and off-line just like you are looking at the computer monitor over his/her shoulder! It allows you to record keystrokes, e-mails, online conversation, password, Web site, and take screen snapshots at intervals like a surveillance camera, and deliver spy logs to you via E-mail or FTP at set intervals. ”

    I have never used it, so cannot vouch for it’s effectiveness, but read about another woman using it to catch out her guy… Quite a funny story actually, he lied to her-said he was being faithful-but she still had doubts… Turns out he had an account with a dating website… She had captured his password, and used it to ammend his whole profile-announcing to all of his prospecive girlfriends what a cheating liar he was-posted some pictures of her and their child, and then changed the password! HAHA!!!

    I would not personally recommend this as a long-term solution for you if you are going to go to this extreme, because IF you really needed it long-term, it would be better to simply walk away, otherwide you’ll just go insane with paranoia, and become obsessed with the whole thing.

    In some respect, you must feel a sense of relief, that at least now-you KNOW you were not paranoid or dellusional… In some sense-IF you decide to resolve this, you are now in a stronger position to request that he now makes ammendments to his attitude and lifestyle-he has been very stupid and is now in a position where he either has to lose you-or do some serious making up.

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you Carrie…

  18. I actually asked him if he cared about me putting spyware. He said fine, he even is willing to give up his laptop for our son for college. I didn’t want to go either route because I do think he has never done anything, that he just did this sex profile because he was angry at me. He said he did it because I have accused him one too many times of cheating. I have accused him but most of the time was because he would never call me, care to be around me, etc… things men do to make a woman think there is someone else. I would plead with him to spend more time with me and it would never happen. So I started saying “So is there someone else? Just say so.”

    He would get angry at me for asking. I would just say then stop doing things to make me thing otherwise. I am really confused right now. His profile on the site was true when he described himself and what he was looking for, but then you read the personality part and he answered things he always told me different. Such as how many women he has been with, things he prefers etc…he put down things he always told me otherwise. When I ask him why, he says he just put down stuff to make him look good etc..and he never uploaded a photo. He also never upgraded his membership to be able to chat etc…He says he never followed through to meet anyone because he never meant to. He says he was just angry at me and had a couple of drinks and wrote it. I told him that “Wow, so what are you going to do everytime you get angry at me?” Is that really a good reason? I say no. I am trying to see his side, trying to understand, but it is hard. He felt uploading a photo was “crossing the line.” I feel even the profile was “crossing the line.” Who he desires on the site, surely doesn’t look like me. So in that sense I feel like a nothing. I have gone to the site and let everyone know I am his wife and that he has been caught and is a big liar and that scum cheating men are just that, scum cheating men and that they will get caught like my husband. I changed the password and email and he can’t get to my email to see responses. He knows this too and what he doesn’t know is that I will let the whole world know his name if he ever cheats on me. He wants the profile deleted, but understands I am letting off steam. Well that steam is gonna blow for a while.

    We aren’t arguing, and we are being close and I am pretty calm and we are working on this, and being civil, but I am hurting so much I keep having nightmares. I feel like the washed up old housewife goods. I told him that if we ever divorced, that he would NEVER see me again. He could see the kids, but NEVER me as I would move to a new town, start anew. I would want that because I never want to be that woman at the ball field watching him stroll up with the new woman while she chats with my kids and takes them for the night right under my face. I would rather put the kids on a plane (free flight), and send them to Dad for the weekend and he doesn’t have to see me. My Dad looks at my Mom (they are divorced 25 years now), and says “Doesn’t she look like shit?” I don’t want my husband to look at me and think “Thank God I left her.” I told him he would never hear my voice again either. When the kids get married, graduate etc…yeah maybe those are exceptions, and I would muddle through it, but this marriage is different than most. I did not marry him in my 20’s or something. WE were young, innocent, both from the same small town area, and even had mutual friends when we met. We hit is off, dated only each other and the times we had then were some of the best times of my life. We then had 4 kids and moved many times with military, etc. His family and mine are in the same town and I could never deal with all the divorce stuff and the memories killing me everyday. I know myself, I would have to split it all and just go away. The kids would have to adjust, as I have sacrificed enough.
    Sorry for the rambling, but these blogs have been my only outlet thus far and some girlfriends who don’t have all day to talk to me.
    I also feel embarrassed, like what did I do wrong to deserve his thoughts to stray. He even claims he doesn’t know what an emotional affar is. I was shocked. I told him that even though there is supposedly no one specific, that he still had an emotional affair with the world wide web. I feel like I have the upper hand now, but I know I have to play it carefully so that it doesn’t turn on me again. Ugh. I just wanted marital bliss forever. I have been wanting to renew our vows for a while and he knows that. But, he doesn’t seem interested in doing it. Part of me just says, “You know what, if it ends one day, just realize that there was nothing I could do, and to move on.” I hope that if that happens, he regrets it til the day he dies. Do I sound angry? Yeah, I guess I am. I would make him regret it because it wouldn’t of needed to happen.
    Thank you all again for listening……and to all you cheating pilots:
    Have a little self respect, because whoever you are with now, you will just dump them too.

  19. Carrie, I really hope that this all works out for the best. It sounds like he is truly remorseful and is eating a big slice of humble pie you’ve given him. That sounds like a man who wants to make ammends to me. It will take time for you to learn to trust him again, and obviously a lot of effort on his part.

    If you intend to work it through with him-you’ll have to evenmtually stop throwing it in his face, and give him the opportunity to either prove himself to you or screw it up. Its hard to do, but it will not work out long term if you dont.

    Try and appreciate thew little things that he does do right and tell him how good they make you feel, so that you can focus on the more positive aspects. Maybe get some marriage guidance counselling, and if he’s not up for it, then maybe go alone. I think that you need to work through these issues, and not just bury them, because like you’ve said, you were both very young when this relationship started.

    Maybe he is having an ‘mid-life crisis’, by focussing on the ways he makes you feel good, you will raise his self-esteem and give him something to aim for. Men can be really crap, and often need things spelt out for them this way! LOL…

  20. Hi Parter of a Pilot:

    Tomorrow we see the couselor and he admitted he was embarrassed to go. Tough, is how I feel. I think he is sorry, but I worry it is more out of guilt than true, sincere, remorse. I want him to be sorry because he truly loves me, not just out of embarrassment. I guess time will tell. All our issues that go way back have to be resolved. It hurts to know that my long marriage has such deep issues. I always wanted to be married a long time and look back and say “Wow, it has been a blissful 50 years.” But 21 years into already and I can’t say that. It hasn’t all been horrible, but I would say only about 7 years were good. The past 4 have been the worst. I worry he will leave when my youngest goes off. If he does that to me, and just uses me to raise them, I will not be his favorite person, let me tell you. I have even kinda let him know that in so many ways because I didn’t get married ONLY to have kids and put all that energy out to be left. Getting older doesn’t help my self esteem either.

    I truly hate it when we are in public and there is someone around that is younger and hot. I just can’t handle it knowing he might be taking a slight look. I am far from UNattractive, but I am not some bombshell model either. I am confident in myself sometimes, like many times people I meet are shocked to know my age, saying I look great and much younger than that. But, still, I think that certain people like me are always trying to look better, and worry they don’t look good enough. My husband isn’t any male model either, but to me he is attractive enough to lose him to someone easily if I wasn’t careful. I am so worried about that now more than ever. I have a question for anyone reading this: Why is it that when I asked 3 friends (two of whom know my husband, one does not), if they thought he slept with anyone after I told them about the sex profile he put up), all three said “Yes, unfortunately he probably has had a one night stand or something if he did that, but that doesn’t mean that he did just because I said I think he did.” But they think he did!! I then asked my brother who has known him as long as I have: “Bro, do you think my friends (female friends), said that because they think men are scum and he appears to have joined that, when he may have not done that?” He said he truly didn’t believe my husband did anything else. I told him I have asked my husband til I was and he was blue in the face if he did anything with anyone. I even implied I might not leave if he would just tell me the truth and that if he did it would help us to go on. He still swears he wasn’t with anyone. I have searched his bags looking for stuff, but found nothing, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t play it smart. Even private investigators can’t follow him overseas all the time and that would cost a fortune.

    I hate to say it, but I only feel about 90% sure he didn’t. That 10% or so is nagging at me and I don’t know why. Any clues ladies on this? Ideas? Thoughts? Ok, I wish everyone well and may be out of town next week, but will check back soon. Thank you for supporting me, I so need it.

  21. If you can never be sure, then you need to make your decision about whether to stay or not on that basis. If you stay, you cannot keep going over and over and over this old ground, as the rot will set in, and you will both tire of it.

    You seem to have self esteem issues, which I’m sure the counselling will help, and although I am in no doubt that hubby is partially responsible for this-you are also to blame. You are obviously attractive to your man if he chooses to stay with you (and as you say, your sex life is perfectly good and healthy).

    Perhaps you need to start by working on building the trust between you. Decide what you need to be able to trust him again (realistically) and then make a concerted effort not to let your imagination get the better of you. If he swears blind that nothing happened then you will haave to take him at his word, or leave him, or hire a PI or ‘honey trap’ in which ever countries he flies to.

    I personally would not want to do this, as I believe that if a man doesn’t want to be with you, he has no reason to carry on in a relationship that is hard work. If he wanted to leave you for another woman-he could do so easily. But he has not.

    Go to the counselling, excorsise your demons, and wipe the slate clean. This may have been the close wake up call he needed to make him realise that he has come close to losing that which he values the most.

    I would ignore what your friends say. You know him better than they do, and their judgement will be clouded by their mistrust of his errors. Deep down, I think only you will know whether you can trust him or not. But the fact is, if he has or hasn’t, you have 4 children together.

    If you believe that you might possibly still work things out with him even if he had had a prior indiscretion-then I would recommend not digging deeper, and giving him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, as knowing about it would give him some assurance that he could get away with it.

    If you really think he has, and you would leave him if he had, then you have to do what you have to do for that piece of mind.

  22. Hi Partner of A Pilot:
    Thaniks for your advice, it does help, although since we saw a counselor just two days ago, I found 3 more sites he set up profiles on, one with an explicit fantasy of doing a woman in an elevator and taking her to his room. He typed this out, and when confronted he claims he doesn’t remember setting any of these 3 up at all and one was only 3 months ago, not 2.5 years ago like the others. God, I just want it to stop. How do I move on when the lies keep coming and I keep finding profiles? It hurts so much. I just feel like he has this incredible urge and fantasy to be with someone else, not me. And that that fantasy will one day (if it hasn’t already), come to fruition. He talks about meeting a stranger, eating out with her, holding hands, laughing with her, getting excited, taking her to the elevator where they just can’t resist, having sex there, then going to the room for more. I now have this detailed description I found on the internet he wrote imbedded in my mind and to top if off, he denies writing it!! Unbelievable!! I am so hurt and confused I almost kicked him out of the house yesterday. He even packed and I stopped him worried I was making a mistake.

    I just don’t know how to feel, or figure anything out. I can’t eat or function. I just want to strangle him. He even added a profile to his hotlist on this one site and said it was just to look at. I said, “Ok, I guess I can just set up one too and look at guys in our area, huh?” He didn’t say much. I am sorry for all this venting, I just have no one to talk to or anyone to lean on. I hope you understand.

  23. Okay Carrie,

    I think personally, that you should have let him pack his bag and told him to go-BUT told him that it’s not over yet, and that you just need some time apart so that he can truly evaluate what he’d lose through this behaviour and so that you could think and get your head around his betrayal.

    I think this, because at the moment, your behaviour comes accross as victimised and needy. He will assume from your reaction that he could have his cake AND eat it, and you would still not kick him out.

    Tell him that during this time, he is to remail faithfull, that you will take measures to ensure this, and hire a PI if need be (dont, but the thought that you would, will make him paranoid enough not to use the ‘we were on a break’ excuse).

    Tell him that you will both continue to see the counsellor and that you would ultimately like to resolve things but that you cannot all the time he lies and cheats you out of the truth and the trust that you deserve as his wife of more than 20 years.

    The time apart will do you good, and WILL help you to gain some strength whilst giving you the strength to be more independent. Try not to call or text him more than you have to as the idea of this time apart is to make him miss you and his children enough to realise that his JERKY behaviour is not worth the pain.

    IF he uses that time to wander, then the relationship is basically not worth salvaging any way, and you will have saved yourself years of pain and worry.

  24. HI Parnter:

  25. Hi Partner:
    Sorry for the send too early on that one. I accidentally hit “Send”.
    Anyway, he left on his training flight overseas of which I was supposed to go on before I found the other 3 sites. I hardly have had any sleep, monthly stuff is here too and my neck hurts from so much stress, so it is best I didn’t go. Even so, I am so angry at him I feel so much less respect for him and I don’t see him like I used to. Before he left I told him to meet me half way on this to come to some separation agreement when he returns. I am so unsure if I have the guts to do it. I know this sounds crazy, but since he travels half the time anyway, I was hoping to just stay clear of him when he was home. LIterally not speak with him, just go about my days etc…and do nothing with him. Believe it or not, we would hurt financially if he had to find a place of his own. We have a son going off to college and 3 others who are costing us so much to raise right now. I also worry that it would help to be the end of us. I so do not want that. I am so torn inside. It is weird….part of me believes he hasn’t been with someone, about 50% of me, but then part of me isn’t convinced either, it is just more unsure. The fantasy he wrote is ironic in that all these years of me accusing him, it was the image I held in my mind, and all along he wrote that. It is so odd. Almost like I knew him and what he wanted. To believe he hasn’t acted on it, is hard.

    Many times I have looked for signs that he is lying to me. But mostly he looks right at me in the eye and says “I haven’t been with anyone.” There have been times though he was looking down, then would look at me. None of these sites show evidence that atleast recently he sent any mail to anyone and he never posted a picture. I know that doesn’t mean much, and he still was there and did the profile, but I am hoping it means he atleast didn’t contact anyone in particular.

    I know I sound needy and I agree. I have been a stay at home Mom for 19 years and I am very dependent on him financially and the kids are so settled in their schools etc. I couldn’t afford to stay in this house and take care of it by myself. So, if we broke up, we would need to sell our home and I don’t know where I would go. The whole thing would be such a huge change. My youngest would be totally devastated the most. The imagination of it all just ruins me and scares me.

    I hear you, and I agree, I just am having strength issues at this point. I almost feel that regardless of what I do, make him stay or go, he will cheat if he is wants to, and I will find out anyway. If he stays too, maybe I will see more evidence rather than if he were not under my nose. How the heck would I hire a private detective to follow him overseas? I don’t know if I could afford that. Also, I thought of setting up a woman to see if she would take the bait, but again, who? Also, I worry that would backfire and she would like him and I would just throw someone right into his arms. But I guess if that happened, then it does and so on.

    Well, he just left a few hours ago, and I am just here facing all the housework and stuff I always face. I sometimes wish he would just call before his takes off just to see how we are, but he probably won’t. It is late enough, he is probably gone.

    I will keep in touch, he is due back in just two or three days.
    Thanks for being there for me, as not many people are.

  26. Wow…After being married almost20years (3 kids) and living the roller coaster life you all describe here I am so thankful to read all your posts…My husband flys international 12 days a month. He leaves day one and returns day 3 and I feel everything you all mention…the pain and lonliiness…the questions in my mind…Like Carrie I worry about the one night standkind of affair…He is a porn lover too..Sometimes I wish he would fall in love with someone else and “let me go” because it is too hard to live this lifestyle…He is arrogant and egocentric and does nothing to recognize how hard it is being married to him…I work full time and manage everything…All he does is fly and whine how tired he is when he gets home…i don’t know what he does on his layovers- He says he is tired – sleeps – gets up and exercises – then eats and sleeps to return home…it sounds harmlessenough but he never gives me any real details..I only know his schedule. It doesn’t help that we are opposites on all fronts religion, politics, our backgrounds- even our horoscopes say we are the worst possible match…Just when I have had enough is when he finally shows me some attention…I hate it. He seems to thrive on this love hate relationship…His pilot buddy summed it up to me years ago…He told me about how his girl slapped him one minute and kissed him the next and it was the ultimate turnon…That may work for dating nut not for a real grown up life. My husband is a great looking guy but is obsessed with his physical appearance and fitness – and always has time for it- I feel he is selfish as he always makes time to workout – while I do everything else! I try to stay in shape but after 3 kids it just aint the same! He willl compare his stomach and ass to mine! I find him so offensive it carries into our sex life…He is a tremendous lover and our sex life is great but 2x a month isn’t enough! (I’m 40 and he is 47) I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ but I have always felt underserved in that area…I guess he wants quality not quantity but it leaves me feeling I don’t even want to connect emotionally anymore because it is just too painful. I cant regret because we have the greatest kids but if I had my eyes open- I would agree with Mandy – run! How I crave a consistant and comfortable relationship- this roller coaster ride has gone on too long…

  27. I have been married to an airline pilot for 18 years. Not one time has he failed to call me the minute he gets off of the plane no matter where he is or what time it is.

    It takes a lot of commitment to have a part time long distance relationship but it can certainly be done. My husband flys International flights so they are always overnight trips. I always pack a card or a hand written note in his suitcase.

    He was a Navy pilot before he went to the airlines and trust me, this is much easier!

    Hang in there girls. Stand by your man. They have chosen a very demanding and unconventional career but remember, they also chose you!

  28. I’ve never used blog sites before and don’t know if this is right.
    I’m married with one child. My husband is in the 3rd month of training to become a commercial helicopter pilot. He is away for many many months to come and I have lots of questions I would like to ask anyone who is the partner of a Commercial Helicopter Pilot or knows this world.

  29. I never really sought out these blogs before thinking I didn’t really have time. I have been married to my pilot for 14 years and it gets harder every year. I’m glad to find that he is not crazy and this type of thing is normal. My story is much like Carrie’s except I have demanded a call/text and a trip sheet before each trip. I’ve recieved what I asked for but the spirit it is given in makes me feel like I’m his Mother. I’m pretty tired of this after all these years. It just dosen’t feel like love it feels like obligation.

    • Maybe he is reacting to the way it was asked for? I have found that if I make ‘demands’ they are met with a similar reaction, but that if I explain why I would like Bf to do something for me rationally (in pilot language) he reacts more reasonably. Have you read the book ‘Five Love Languages” If not, I recommend it… Its all about speaking to your partner in their own language to gain more positive and fulfilling outcomes in your relationship. There is also a mens version-which I purchased for Bf as a gift once.

  30. It’s amazing to me that we all are feeling the same things.
    My husband and I have been married 25 years. People used to ask me how I kept from being jealous or concerned. I would respond that I decided before we married I wouldn’t doubt him unless he gave me reason to. This year was the first time I ever doubted him. I can’t believe that after what I went through when he was building his career he would let me down now. My advice to younger women with a pilot. Travel WITH HIM as soon as you can. I just traveled with my husband on a couple of trips and it was an eye opener. The layovers don’t give them much time to rest. The flight attendants are friendly, very tired, and very sick of bossy men. I didn’t feel they were a threat. I did find the desk clerks at the hotels to be flirts. They all flirted with my husband. The one in Paris actually kept calling out to him every time we walked by. She was so dumb she didn’t realize he was ignoring her because he was with his wife. I can tell you this. Quit thinking about the future when your pilot makes it and start making HOME so good that he won’t ever want to pick up a trip to Paris.

  31. […] pilots who may be thinking about going for CPL and making a career of their passion should read this and think twice before making a decision, or at least have their partner read this if the decision […]

  32. Changing the tone a little, I heard back from Carrie, after much soul searching and counselling they’re back on track, and seem very happy.

    I really think that it can sometimes be tough, but with some will and determination it’s more than possible to be happy.

    I don’t know a single airline pilot wife who’s never felt insecure, but if your love is true the issue is surmountable.

  33. I want to thank you for writing this and the rest of your blog. I am currently working on getting back together with my ex-fiance (we were engaged young and had some major bumps in the road that took us away from eachother), after reconnecting and spending 2 years of trying to figure things out. All I have thought about is him even while dating others, so we have finally decided to take the plunge to work things out. I was engaged to him before he decided to be a pilot, casually dated him again while he trained for commercial airlines, and finally now while he is working as an airline pilot. I wanted to get myself situated and be ready for all that I would have to deal with. I care immensely for him and can’t be happier that we are together again. I just want to be there and love and support him. He is an amazing man and I couldn’t ask for more. Like you I would never ask him or expect him to leave this career as it is something he was always passionate about (he was fascinated with flying and planes when we were together the first time, and I always knew it was something he would want to do). I only hope that our relationship will be as happy and loving as yours seems to be, and I am happy that I am able to find someone who so willingly has made their emotions available to give light to someone as myself who is now gearing up to be with a pilot. Im scared and excited all at the same time, but mostly I’m just happy that I can embrace this time with him and be there for him as he does something he loves so much. Thank you again!

    • Well thank you Veronica, I really appreciate that comment… More than you realise especially at the moment.

      I actually took this whole blog off-line for about 2 months recently, so had you looked for this back then you would not have been able to access it.

      I took it off line becase I felt a bit over-exposed, but it is comments like this that make it all worth while for me keeping it public.


  34. Hello, I have been dating a pilot for about a year and a half now. He just left for a third world country to fly caravan’s and bush fly. It all just happened so fast. He is gone for 6 months to a year. I really do not know what to do. I love him dearly, but I am not receiving any money for the apartment we both share and just left me with all the bills. I was just expected to be fine with his choice. Which I am. He loves his job. He was a flight instructor for a long time and this opportunity was too good to pass up. The problem is I had such a bad breakdown because of all this that I ended up losing my job over it. I feel so alone and abandoned and I never once was incorporated in any of the decision making. He didn’t figure out a plan for us financially or whether or not we would both be able to handle it. I don’t know what to do. We hardly talk now and when we do it’s only email, mainly because phone bills will be ridiculous! He wants me to move there and be with him, but I am not too keen on living by myself in a compound community. If any of you have any advice for me it would be much appreciated. Thank you

  35. My boyfriend of 4 years has just started working short haul for a European budget airline. we got together a year before he began training to be a pilot however in order to train he had to leave the country for a year and a half which meant our relationship was long distance. I could always see an end to the separation because i knew once he got his cpl he would move back home.
    what i didnt take into account was what would happen after that. As soon as he got a job he was required to train in sweeden for 2 months (we didnt see each other for that whole time) and then he was sent to london for his line training. he is currently still based out of london however soon his line training will be over and he will be based somewhere else. he could be sent almost anywhere in europe which would mean he would be away 5 days a week and home for 3 days.
    I notice alot of women have talked about being jaded from their experiences and thats how i feel. im tired and emotionally drained. I saw the separation as being temporary when he started training and envisioned us living happily ever after as soon as the year and a half of cpl training was done. but it hasnt worked out like that. we fight constantly i get angry because i feel abandoned and lonely. im 22 and i see my peers either living the single life or cuddled up with their boyfriends every night in front of the tv and i really want it for myself.
    its come to a point were i need to make a decision to either live the hard life of being a pilots girlfriend and eventually wife and potentially remain less than happy or break up. im just confused because i care about him so much and want to support him but i want my own life as well and for the last 4 years its been all about his life. at this stage im questioning if i still love him or if the lifestyle has got the better of me. recently i have been so emotionally switched off from him in order to deal with the distance that i have found myself not wanting to kiss him or have sex when he is home and resenting him for interrupting my life. I have also received alot of male attention and have found myself wondering what life would be like with a ‘normal’ boyfriend. I feel like i am failing him in some way. can anybody offer me some advice? i have talked to all my friends and no one can relate so cant help.

    • Dear confused,
      It sounds like you had yourself syked up for a great pilot relationship when he was done with training only to be disappointed and now you are reacting to that disappointment. I think had you had a better understanding of what it would be like the result wouldn’t have been so difficult bc at least you would have been aware. I am dating a pilot myself and I knew it was his dream to fly before he ever started his training. We split years ago for other reasons and now have got back together right when his commercial career is about to begin. He sat down with me and told me that this was his career choice and that a lot of distance will be inevitable until he was captain which takes awhile to get to. But he also told me I was the one for him and he didnt want to be with anyone else. We have a ton of trust in one another which makes it easy for both of us while he is away. I just told him recently that wherever he goes I will go and I will be beside him and his choices no matter what. Why? Because he is the one person I could ever want to be with..ever.. and because of that I will suffer through the distance that comes along with this lifestyle. He wants a marriage and a family and so do I but I already know his character and that he won’t leave everything for me to deal with. I will never settle for someone else because they have a less stressful career and schedule. If this is the person you want to be with and go through life with then I would say learn to apprieciate the distance bc it won’t always be this bad but training is rough I agree! For me personally I would rather endure the tough parts and keep him rather than give him up. I thinks it’s a matter of dependence and independence and I’m a more of an independent person which makes this a little easier to deal with because I make sure I have happy life and things to do when he is gone. I hope you find what you’re looking for though and I hope this helps a little

    • Great advice APilotsGF 🙂

    • Hey Confused,

      I dont feel jaded by this life and experience… I feel ‘shaped by it’. There is a difference.

      Sometimes when we fall down a dark emotional rabbit hole that takes us off our pre-planned course, it’s hard to see the way out, but more often than not, you will get back on track… Or at least that is my experience!

      I hope this helps, how are you now?

      You might like to read this new post:
      How are you getting along by the way?

  36. This blog has helped and yet also confirmed my worse fears. I have been with the BF for nearly a yr (Altho we were friends for years before that) He has just started his ATPL’s and obsessed would be putting it mildly.

    This coincided with when I moved in with him and he has gone from affectionate, loving, funny etc to cold, distracted and stressed. I get his amibition and the need to do this but how can someone change over night??? By the sounds of it though this is the norm so I guess its like it or lump it!

    • You say you recently moved in together? My BF and I have lived together since almost Day 1 and I can tell you after he comes home from a 12 hour shift I have learned to let him decompress…if it’s at the end of his 6 days on, I sometimes leave the house so it can be quiet. I have learned to sacrifice our “together time” for when he can actually appreciate me…which is after he has slept, played some PS3 and maybe run or go to the gym. Then he has no excuse but to massage my feet 😉 I have found that moodiness is very “normal”. It takes a certain kind of “special” (narcissistic) guy to fly something that ought not to be in the sky. Most times, it IS all about him but I’ve learned to accept it as part of his charm (ha!). I just tell myself that when he is rested and not stressed (WHEN???!!) he is amazingly sweet, thoughtful and funny…not to mention sexy hot. 🙂 Hope this helps somewhat.

    • It may just be an adjustment phase? I have to say that currently Bf and I have been together for 7 years, and he is not cold, distracted and stressed… These emotions are generally short-term and I’m sure that as things calm down a bit for him and his career becomes more settled, he’ll return to being affectionate, loving, funny etc

  37. I am SOOOO glad I found this site! My bf and I have been together for a year now…on the anniversary of our first date he is out of the country seeking “opportunity” in a third world country where 90% of the population lives below the poverty line. He has flown the short haul the entire time we’ve been together (YAY!) but now there is the possibility that he will have to leave our fantastic life (according to me, at least) and we will have to “make it work” with a long distance relationship. Although we talked almost since Day 1 that he would likely have to move for a job, we always discussed moving to the mainland U.S. ..not Far East Asia. I have serious trust issues stemming from a horrible past relationship as well as stupid acts of my BF early on (say MAN GENE!) that made me question his loyalty to me. Anyway, it’s so nice to know that I’m not crazy to have fears of my BF getting with some ho FA or random chick while he is away … even though my counselor says I’m not … it’s nice to know I’m NOT alone! I do agree that communication between the two of us is key and Facebook is the devil.

  38. I am the happiest person to have found this! You have no idea the peace it gave me! I’ve been going out with an airplane pilot for some time now… he is older than me and well I am still quite young. I never thought this would happen to me but he’s my best friends cousin and when we met it just happened!
    Lets say he was the first pilot I’ve ever met so I had never had any contact before with that world. It is hard for me because I thought not many people go through this but finding this makes me realize I am not crazy! That my down days are actually normal and many go through them no?
    I am just worried because the other day he told me I would have to decide if I wanted to stay with him or not because he didn’t want me to suffer nor to live something that wouldn’t change…. and it is hard because i love him and i dont know. When his plans change I feel sad, even though i know it is a possibility… or when i have to go to events by myself and everybody asks me if i dont feel lonely…. does there ever come a point when you get used to it?
    Also my problem is that because i dont understand the job he feels i dont give him enough support and we get into fights when he complains about being tired and not wanting to do anything because he’s worked all day. Is this a problem I only have or is it general??? When i know he will be home then i make plans and get angry when he uses as an excuse that he is tired… do they really get all that tired?
    is it only me or do you feel like in your relationship you are the one who puts more effort? I plan my whole life and do many things when he isnt here so that when he is we can do stuff… and i dont feel it is appreciated…
    I feel some kind of relief to know i am not the only one!!! thank you for posting your feelings out for everyone to see!!! they are the same i have!!!

  39. I’ve enjoyed reading this post. It’s very useful for partners who are naive about this industry. But sadly for those who are not yet married to a pilot and have a choice to leave- why stay? I’ve broken up with an airline pilot recently and I have to say it is one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made. I am sure one day when I do truly meet a emotionally available guy who is at home most days and spends weekends and holidays with me I will thank my lucky stars.
    It was too painful to be with a pilot. I went thru everything these women went thru:
    The crazy scedule, last minute dates, his extremely controlling personality, not knowing his schedule, job related ‘excuses’ , spending lots of time on my own while watching other couples planning out their lives each day, constantly had to be in a good mood for him, everything on his terms with no compromise, barely phone calls or texts when hes flying, sex on his terms etc… I finally had enough! Plus he was cheap as pilots are always pinching pennies cause they experience too many rainy days in their career.
    The biggest factor however was thinking of my future: 20 yrs from now theres a huge possibilty he will get bored and start affairs behind my back cos the temptation is too much for them ie travelling/having dinner with young FAs or beautiful young ladies in some exotic country. In fact I am sure 95% of them are already cheating behind your back as we speak as that is part of the ‘allure’ of the pilot lifestyle. Its almost like saying rockstars dont cheat. Well pilots act like they are the rockstars of the sky which is why they got the job in the first place. They are addicted to the lifestyle which is why they will never settle down and rather be away from their loved ones. If a lonely life always wondering what your bf or husband is up to with his cellphone always switched off is for you then by all means…

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