When Pilots Cheat
I have just had the worst news. One of my friends just emailed me to say that she and her pilot are parting ways… He always rings her, every night when he is away; apart from last night.
Worried, she tried ringing him… Eventually, she got through to him at 4am. He was drunk, and there was a woman’s voice in the background… The spineless loser hung up on her, and let her stew over his bad behaviour.
This morning he rang her and told her that nothing had happened, but told her that it’s over… They have children; young children, and he ended their marriage over the phone! Understandably, she is in pieces… I am not sure if she even knows how to react or whether she would have wanted to try to work things out or kick him out; but it seems he’s taken those options away from her regardless.
He is coming home tomorrow and I cannot imagine how that will go… All I want to say is that, Sweetie, I am SO here for you. He is an idiot who made a stupid mistake. You deserve so much more respect than you are getting right now.
I am so saddened by this. I wish I could go round and give her a big hug and be there for her in person, but she’s in a different country, on a different continent.
I am so angry at him for her. How dare he go out and drink, and party to the extent that he could just forget her like that and treat her; his wife and two young children with such callous disregard!
I don’t think this is a pilot thing… But if someone is a cheater, this is a BAD profession to be in… You wouldn’t run a pub if you had an alcohol problem after all!
I could not live this lifestyle for anyone if I thought they were cheating, so she is better off without him…
Deep down, I think he has told her he wants to end it, because he thinks she’ll kick him out if he doesn’t, and most pilots are control freaks to some degree… I just wonder if he couldn’t bear the thought that he’d lost control over his future; and his knee-jerk reaction was to seize back control however reckless the consequences.
I don’t know what to say to you sweetie. I wish I had some magic words that would make this somehow better…
N.B – These comments have linked discussions going on within them:
Pilot’s who Cheat, and are then stupid enough to BRAG about it!
Your bullets cannot harm ME! MY wings are like a shield of steel!
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If you are reading, I’m so sorry. He is a jerk and you don’t deserve that. My husband works away a lot (though he’s not a pilot) and we had a similar experience… We managed to work things out in the end, but it meant a year of hell to get through it.
Sophie - June 30, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I don’t know what it is about pilots but ’selfishness’ seems to be a job requirement. My BF qualified at 39 and has been on a giant ego trip ever since. He just got a new job on a 605 in Kiev 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. I new it was going to be trouble, since he started in January we have called off our wedding in July and he has now not contacted me for a whole week since he left. I have no idea if he is expecting me to stay with him, but there isn’t room for both me and his ego. I really feel for your friend, I expect we are feeling pretty similar as there must be a reason for my BF’s behaviour and I’d guess it’s something similar. Best of luck to her – she’ll be happier without him.
Mandy - June 30, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Thanks Partnerofapilot, Sophie and Mandy for your kind words. It really does help to hear from other women. Today I returned to our (my) home. Our walk-in closet is empty on one side and it hurt to see it like that. At the same time, it felt good to get back to the house and around our wonderful neighbors. Being a single mom wasn’t what I had planned on happening in my life, but I think things will be just fine. I have 2 gorgeous boys, a beautiful home, wonderful neighbors, great family support and awesome friends. In some ways I have it better than a lot of people could ever hope for! I guess I can bid goodbye to the pilot wifestyle!
Newly Single - July 3, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Lol! Yes, I guess it’s not all bad!
You are so strong, and have handled this with grace and dignity-dispite the diabolical way he’s chosen to deal with ending your marriage. You are a wonderful mummy and a beautiful woman. Dont forget that
Partner of a Pilot - July 3, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I am sorry this happened to you. I am in a postion of wondering if it is happening to me. My husband put up a profile on a sex site advertising himself. I found out he put it up 2.5 years ago. He says he never acted on it an he just did it because he was angry at me as we had been fighting. But I am only finding out about it now and he says he never did anything, just typed it because he was mad. I am trying to believe that, but that is hard. It is such a gut wrenching feeling, especially when he said on his profile that he found blondes sexy (I am a brunette), and that he was looking for much younger women. It just hurts. It makes you not like yourself and I keep trying to do whatever I can to make myself better. I want to change his profile and let them all know I am his wife and he was caught, then like I read on this site, change his password and let everyone know what a jerk he was. He probably won’t care though because they don’t know his name. I could put that though, couldn’t I?? I am so mad it makes me feel revengeful, which I guess is natural in this situation. When you meet someone, and you are in love, and you get married, you never want to know they got “tired” of you, and you are now boring material. I am trying to figure out if it will work now since all my self esteem is gone.
carri - July 20, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Oh Carrie you sound so low. You need to try to see that it’s not your failure that this has happened it’s his. he’s been weak, and an idiot and it’s not about you not beng good enough or anything like that. It seems to me that in this day and age the internet just provides the ultimate temptation for men and women. Its so easy to get a little excitement in your life by doing these things anonomously thinking it won’t hurt because your partner will never know.
It may be that your husband is really sorry and is telling the truth, but I think if it was me I would want to see evidence that he has removed his profile and that he isn’t signed up to anything else like that. My BF has so much spare time its ridiculous and spends 80% of it glued to his laptop and I know he looks at porn. He was signed up to something and I found out and we very nearly split up over it, but I could tell he was really sorry and he hasn’t done it since (I check!!). If I’m 100% honest I’ve never been able to get the trust back completely but I think that’s just life. It’s even harder to deal with when your partner is away from you for long periods of time.
If you wanted to be really devious you could create your own false profile and contact him to see if he does speak to other women but that’s not really being constructive. But for your own peace of mind you need to get to the bottom of exactly what he’s been up to and whether he is prepared to stop and act like a responsible husband and father. if not then you are much better off without him, you deserve to be happy.
Try to hold on to your self esteem Carrie, the stronger you are about it the more chance you have of working things out with your husband.
Mandy - July 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I’m so glad there are discussions like this where women can ban together for support. I work in the airline industry and I’ve dated and am dating within it. And it is hard to deal with! The first guy worked in the industry as well and then got me a job at another airport. Long story short after 4 years he cheated on me with a flight attendant. Go figure! Fit the stereotype perfectly. Funny thing is that I never saw it coming. I really thought he loved me and would never have suspected this until it got to the point where it was undeniable. I’ve moved on since (or am still trying to) and am now dating a pilot. That was probably the stupidest thing to do while I was still trying to cope with losing someone to the industry. I only challenged myself more by dating someone who is not only gone 4 days a week, but someone I live hundreds of miles away from. I truly find the odds against us: he’s a pilot, a flight attendant’s been chosen over me in the past, and we live far from each other. Just taking one of those instances is challenge enough for a person. But I’m writing this to support other women who have gone through these things and also to help myself cope. My boyfriend and I just recently went over a bump in the road where I found some less than pleasant things in his inbox. So, it’s hard to trust, ever! I’m faced wondering if the past will just repeat itself. What are some of your opinions about pilots cheating? I’m still trying to figure that out. Is it only a matter of time? Am I wasting my time? Is life better off without one? Or can the challenge be met?
CeCe - July 28, 2008 at 4:46 am
Hi Cece.
I stand by my statement. from this post’s comments ( http://partnerofapilot.wordpress.com/2007/12/19/reminiscing-about-the-roller-coaster-of-feelings-i-had-about-how-id-cope-with-being-an-airline-pilots-girlfriend-before-he-was-qualified/ ) that not all pilot relationships are doomed. We tend to hear about the more dramatic stories rather than the ones that stay faithfully married for 40 years.
Bad news just makes for a ‘better story’. Sure there are dirt bags out there who happen to be pilots, there are also good guys out there who happen to be pilots. Hopefully you have fine tuned your ‘a-hole detector’ after your last experience, and can spot a liar at 20 paces now.
Try not to become too jaded or punish your current man for your exe’s mistakes. If you don’t trust him-ask yourself why. If he has given you reason-then stay on top of it. What did he say about the stuff in his inbox?
Partner of a Pilot - July 28, 2008 at 11:28 am
I am getting a lot of Google hits on this post, for anyone who read this, you may also find this post interesting:
reminiscing about the roller-coaster of feelings I had about how I’d cope with being an airline pilots girlfriend before he was qualified
Partner of a Pilot - July 28, 2008 at 11:23 pm
There are women out there who view our pilot husbands like Rock Stars. They believe the lifestyle is so glamorous and the pay is great. They don’t see the downside and the hardships that come with this choice.
I’ve seen women throw themselves at my husband in airports. It’s unbelievable. I can see where a man who isn’t secure with himself for whatever reason, would get caught up in the fantasy of all of it but it’s no excuse for betraying the person that is back home.
We are the ones who keep the home fires burning. We take care of home repairs, car repairs, school conferences, doctors appointments and such. This isn’t seen my all of these women who are smitten with a man in uniform.
The Internet doesn’t help either. There was a time when a pilot would have to find someone to cheat with while laying and often it just wasn’t worth the hassle and the energy. Times have changed. Now they can have the meeting set up before they ever leave the house.
I don’t think pilots cheat anymore than anyone else. The opportunity is there and the women are there but cheating comes from somewhere inside of the cheater. It has nothing to do with the spouse or any outside factors. It’s a selfish and self serving act.
In 18 years of marriage I have never suspected much less confirmed my husband has cheated. If he has or does, I hope I never know.
thepilotsgirl - September 23, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Maybe a little late, seen the dates of this posts but I am truly desperate.
My pilot-to-be fiancee has had a track record in chatting, hooking up with exes and even cheating.. that happened less than 4 months ago. I am still trying to heal the pieces of my broken heart and he promised never to lie to me again, or keeping secrets or cheat. He is still in his training (they send him to Ankara and we live in Istanbul) so I only see him once every 2 weeks.
The day he got accepted by Turkish Airlines I cried. It was my nightmare. It’s indeed giving a bar to a alcoholic. I am so afraid that when he starts flying, despite his promises, he will cheat as much as he can. The last year was not exactly the proof that he can stay loyal. He wants to marry me as soon he comes back from the training and I don’t know what to do. Believe in him or not. We’ve been together 4 years and I sacrificed, compromised, forgiven, moved to another city for him and have supported him in every way, because there is so much love. On one side I can’t accept it and I have been spying in his email etc. On the other side I can’t give him up, not now. And be the biggest loser in the world while some gold digging chick will marry him in the end (this is Turkey, girls are generally not financially independant and need to find a rich husband). What should I do? I am torn…
Turkish Airlines Girl - April 5, 2009 at 10:33 am
Hi Turkish Airlines Girl.
You might like to read my experience here: http://partnerofapilot.wordpress.com/2009/02/13/your-bullets-cannot-harm-me-my-wings-are-like-a-shield-of-steel/
I also recommend this support group, there is a thread in there by women who’ve been cheated on by their pilots: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=2444761099
I hope you figure it all out
x
Partner of a Pilot - April 5, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Hi everyone,
I dont know how to start, really. I am a very private person same as my pilot husband and i am 3 months pregnant right now. We`ve been married for almost four years. I just want to let this get out of my chest as i dont really have friends here in HK to talk about this. So, maybe this is Ok. Honestly, nothing really change in our relationship, except that we dont have sex as often as before. We are still very happy and excited about our baby. Its our first. Maybe i am just being paranoid or its just the hormones raging coz i`ve never really feel this gut wrenching feeling that my husband is maybe cheating on me. I dont know.. I really hope he is not because i will never forgive him if he ever did. I love him with all my heart but i wont hesitate devorcing him coz i wont be able to live with someone who cheated on me. I was cheated already before he meet me, it was my 3 yrs relationship with my exbf. He was cheating on me for 2 yrs and i didnt even know!! I am a very trusty person. He knows i was broken hearted when he met me thats why when he told me he loves me already i couldnt say the same to him coz i needed more time. The funny thing is, everything is open to me, his phone, his computer, except that we dont really give our emails password to each other because we think its our own privacy. Hope, im wrong and dont find out anything at the end of my pregnancy. That would suck really bad. Thanks a lot for this blog, i didnt know that some FA`s are flirtatious and some Pilots are the same too. Oh well, i will deal with anything when the time comes because thats what i`ve always done in my life… xxx
cpapwife - June 4, 2009 at 2:31 am
Hello cpapwife,
Congratulations ! on the baby. I wish you a nice mellow pregnancy and delivery !
I detect that you have some reason to be wondering about your Husbands fidelity…
I hope you are wrong as well.
Can you share what it is that has made you feel that way ?
Hugs
OKDK7
okdk7 - June 28, 2009 at 8:17 pm